Hello, my name’s Olivia.  Now this post might be long and sad but I will guarantee every individual who comes across it that it is the sad truth.

Now, for starters, I’m not here looking for answers, I’m here with more of a purpose to write a simple blog until my final days.  I’d always envisioned that my last days would be spent alone in my room with nothing but my laptop writing away my last thoughts and feelings.  And well, look where I’ve ended up, so in the long run, I can’t say it was all that bad 🙂

This is open to the public so let me start by saying for those of you who do take the time to read my virtual suicide note, maybe you should learn a little bit about me first before I get into any detail about my soon to be death.  Although my life isn’t interesting and there’s not much to tell, I might as well.  Anyways, I’ve lived in South Florida all my life, Ft Lauderdale/Miami area.  The weather is decent here, humid as shit at night and sunny during the days, typical Florida weather.  Except in summer, it’s dark and gloomy during the day with the beautiful cracks of thunder and lightning followed by cold sweet rain.  Typically I would go outside and stand in the rain while watching it fall down into the Earth from a different standing point.  I would love the feeling against my warm pale skin, it felt refreshing.  One of the only sources of happiness left.  Before any of you jump to conclusions and judge me because I’m “14 and don’t know what I’m talking about” I’m more than that, my mindset is 10 years ahead of my physical body and age, although I look like I”m 17 years old.  Anyways, the summer before I entered 6th grade (which is the start of middle school) my parents decided that I was a horrible kid who couldn’t handle being around the certain people I went to elementary school with and that I couldn’t control myself to remain well, myself.  They thought I would take after others and become someone who I was not which was not the case at all.  But excuse me, let me take a few steps back to when I was 18 months old and diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, which is incurable.  Well, my endocrinologist suggested to my parents to have another child, that it would somehow balance out my behavior in my later years of life.  At the age of 3 years old, my mother and father had another baby, my little brother Joey.  Jumping back to going into middle school, it was the worst.  My parents sent me to a private catholic school, that in no way shape or form was what I wanted.  The people that I was surrounded by bullied me and acted as if they were my “friends” which was complete bullshit.  They thought they were better than everyone else because they went to private school and they had money.  They ESPECIALLY acted that way towards me, someone who had come from a public school, looked different, acted different, was just completely different.  After they put me through that hell after I begged them not to, honestly and truthfully my behavior took a turn for the worst.  I don’t want anyone to have sympathy for me and feel like I’m a good child with parents who just have bad intentions because that’s not at all the case.  My parents have been okay, they’re psycho and old and think the same way their parents did.  They are fucking crazy and to be honest, I hate them.  They favor my little brother so much over me and I think it’s bullshit how “parents always favorite the younger sibling” well that’s not fair at all and in most households that I’ve entered it’s not that way at all.  Each child, no matter what age or gender, get equal treating.  No matter what.  My brother, oh God how I hate him, I really wish he was never born.  I don’t love him or my parents.  So through 6th and 7th grade, which were the years I spent at the Catholic school before I got expelled in the midst of 7th grade after trying to get kicked out from the day I got there, I would go to school every morning tired and depressed, I hated it.  Around November/December of 6th grade before we had our 2 week winter break is when things started to get worse.  Me and my parents started fighting way more, I would talk back excessively and not listen, my dad would end up beating me and I would go to school the next mornings crying and being forced to go to the principal and explain myself which after, she called child protective services, MULTIPLE TIMES, and they would end up coming to my house by surprise later in the evening which caused more shit to go down at home.  We had a whole time period where we saw multiple family therapists.  There was a time where I only made friends over the internet and would talk to them 24/7 and my dad flipped out and took everything I had.  For 4 years I didn’t have a phone and I just recently got the “privileges” to get it back and once again, I got it taken away, but not for talking to people over the internet (which I still do because I connect way more with them than I do with people who I actually know) but for a different reason which I will later on explain.  Anyways, things kind of sort of got better after therapy.  My behavior definitely improved, I got more privacy and all these sorts of things.  I was still misbehaving in school, trying to get expelled already… It took me 6th grade and 7th grade to get expelled, the last month of school they kicked me out and I was transferred into the public school I originally wanted to go to with all my friends from elementary.  Let me tell you, big mistake going there the very last month of school.  It was weird, and I got bullied, bad, I was threatened to get jumped everyday and the first day I got there people were already trying to fight with me, I was one of the only few white kids there among the Hispanic and Blacks.  I didn’t go to school the last week because fuck it… So over the summer I decided to do online schooling, I did this one program for a couple months and then got kicked out of there for not doing my work.  Okay, well the principal of the first school I was in recommended me to another one which I am still attending now.  It took over a month and a half to get me enrolled to the new online school, FLVS.  So now I am continuing to do my school work into the summer vacation because I have to finish before I can enter high school which I will also be doing online.

So continuing, I have no true honest friends.  You know people will say that they’re your friends and say that they’re there for you and you listen to all their problems and help them with everything but when time comes for them to be a friend and help you, they’re no where to be found, or they don’t have anything to say to actually help you with your problem.  So that doesn’t help anything.  I have people who try to help, it’s just that they don’t know how to because they’ve never experienced what I’m going through because their lives are somewhat “perfect.”  Its hard for someone to help you who can’t relate to your situation in the least.  That’s basically my friend situation, I have none.  I’ve been feeling alone and depressed since 6th grade and I really don’t know what to do.  I’m always sad and crying, everyday I’m eating less and less, I’m getting sick and I know it, I don’t take care of my diabetes and lately a lot of things have been wrong.  I’m just ready to die…I’m a burden to everyone I cross paths with, I’m a waste of space, I can’t do anything right.  All of this might seem out of place, but I’m just writing the memories and feelings as they come to me.  I’m trying to make it neat and organized but I can’t control my mind at this point.  Starting earlier this year like in the beginning of the year, I started terrible self harm that stills continues to this day, I have scars on my wrist but now continue to cut on my thighs because my parents found out and all this chaos occurred but not once have my parents actually checked my arms and asked if I was doing/feeling okay and if there was anything they could do to help, they don’t care about me and never have, maybe when I was an infant but now they couldn’t give a shit about me or where I would end up.

Ever since the first day of summer I’ve been sneaking out of my house around midnight and hanging out with a group of people, the same group of people every night, sometimes we would pick up a few other people.  Mostly we just go to the beach or hangout around each others houses just something, and it really made me happy to feel so free but so secure and paranoid all at once.  The risk and torture of not knowing if you’re going to get caught and just the way it made me feel… It was usually me and three other kids, two guys and one other girl.  Everyone had been caught so far, except me.  That is, until last night.  After everyone got caught, they were all saying how we should hold off on going out for a while until things cleared up, of course me being me, I was in denial that I would ever be caught and that I was good so I continue to go out with one of the kids that I normally go out with because he just doesn’t care I guess?  So anyways, 2 nights ago I tried to get out but my dad was still awake and it was hard as fuck, I opened this one door without setting the alarm because I thought the door didn’t have a sensor so of course, the alarm goes off hella loud and wakes my mom up, at this point, my dad had fallen asleep and he wasn’t awoken by the alarm.  Thank God I was in comfortable pajama clothes so I ran to my room and acted like I was sleeping and had been woken up by the alarm too, so I walked with my mom in the kitchen and she set the alarm and made it stop and whatever we went back to bed and didn’t go out that night.  Yesterday during the day my dad changed the alarm code because he had his suspicions that I was in fact sneaking out.  He asked me about it a couple times and I told him that I was just taking the dog out at like 5 am.  So back to what happened last night, I wanted to go out and shit so I told this kid that I usually go out with (the one I talked about earlier who just doesn’t care) to come over and he did, I was planning to go out a window but all my windows are whack so I couldn’t get out, except for this one window that was apart of the back door, I lifted the glass but there was a screen that was attached to the door so I couldn’t do that, it was kind of ripped though at the bottom so the kid suggested we rip it enough for me to get out, and that’s what we did, we ripped it, I got a stepping stool and got out, now as all of this was occurring, of course it made noise getting the glass open and the screen ripped, and me standing on the metal stool and getting out.   Well, my brothers room is right next to the back door and he was still awake, so he heard everything and thought we were being broken into, he walks out of his room and sees the screen ripped off the door and shit.  So he goes to my mom and dad and tells them, now let me just inform you, we took the keys to my moms car, also informing you that we did take my moms car.  My brother got up whatever went to my mom and dad told them, he was scared shit less that someone was in the house, so of course my parents get up and go in my room and I’m not there,  they look outside the car isn’t there either.  Yes, before anyone comments saying how stupid I was to take the car, I know.  I know how stupid I was and how stupid my actions were and the danger I put myself and others in and the consequences that could have taken place, so please don’t write your feedback only focusing on that.  So many teenagers do the same thing, so so so many.  I’m not the only one.  Back to what happened, I had my phone connected to my moms Bluetooth and I had some music playing and at this point it was like 1;30, all of  a sudden the music stops and so does my heart because I know that indicates that I’m getting a call, so I look down at the screen and sure enough it says “dad” I didn’t answer and he calls 4 more times and texts me 3 times “Get home now” “Get home now” “Get home now or lose phone for good” then my little brother calls me, I didn’t answer either of them.  So I get home with the car, safe and sound and I pull up in the driveway, turn the headlights off and thank god no one is outside so my friend that I was with gets out the car and he was driving so we already said bye and he ran home, as I’m walking up the driveway I hear the front door open and slam shut, and my dad is the first one I see out of the 3 people that were up and outside, he’s yelling at me and whatever saying horrible things to me and telling me how “I’m done” I’m just like ya okay whatever, so we get inside and he tells me to give him my phone and Ipod touch, I do and they go back to bed.  I hear them arguing and talking about me in their room and of course, they start smoking weed.  My parents smoke so much weed every single day, their room wreaks.  I do too sometimes but that’s it.  I don’t do it every day and I’m not addicted.  So that happened and ever since this morning when I was woken up at 9 am, all I’ve been hearing is shit and how I’m horrible and terrible and a piece of shit.  Nothing new but you know, I’m still alive for now and I still somewhat have feelings.  But I’ve been contemplating whether or not to kill myself within the next 48 hours because honestly and truthfully I’m done.  I can’t go on living like this anymore, feeling so alone and abandoned and worthless.  I’m not going anywhere in life and I’m just gonna end up dead anyways, so it’s pointless to remain living in these conditions.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  I’m constantly feeling this way.  Society is fucked up too, the way people treat others.  Life is a big empty nothing for some people and I just happen to be one of those people.  Basically a large part of my life I’ve felt like this. I want to end it soon. As soon as possible, any suggestions on how to have a painless death where I could go peacefully?

Thank you, there will surely be more to come.