First of all – I’m no native speaker, so bare with me plz! I am male and recently turned 23. I am physically fit, finished business school with good grades and due to a profitable hobby of mine, I got no real money problems either. So why can’t I be happy? Let me tell you of the dark side of my life…
My mother suffered from severe depression after my birth AND when i turned 12 (right after my dad left us for some stupid slut). Coming back from school hoping my mother hasn’t killed herself today, having nobody to talk to, while dealing with my mothers problems AND my own problems of early puberty kinda shattered me. I have built no self confidence and only had 1 friend most of my teen years. I never had a girlfriend so far. I always got friendzoned, rejected or humiliated by women. Or I didnt have the balls to tell my crush about my feelings, due to fear of rejection. At 15 my dad came crawling back and my mom gave him another chance. Later I found out he was contacting other women again and maybe visiting brothels. I never told my mother about it, it would destroy her once again. She still loves my dad. I realized that I constantly have depressing feelings and generally being more tired and demotivated than others.
At some point (with 17 i guess?) I discovered porn on the internet and slowly got hooked up with it. At the age of 18 I had the first time sex… with a hooker… drunk… and I couldn’t get it up. When I started going to University I got more isolated. With 19 I tongue kissed with a drunk girl at a party, but thats it. Women still didn’t see me as potential partner and rather fucked self confident machos. I fled into the world of porn to find some kind of sexual satisfaction. It was just a matter of time until i got addicted to it. I couldn’t stop it anymore. I started watching all sort of stuff including transexual porn (up to 5 times a day). Since then i had 4 times sex with transsexual hookers, mostly getting fucked, as I couldnt get it up due to my erectional dysfunction. It was the closest I could get to having sex. Although I still see myself hetero, I got into cuckold and interracial porn. Seeing white sluts worshipping potent big black cocks, giving women a level of satisfaction I could never give em, turns me on. I even caught myself fantasizing about sucking black cocks. Its creepy, but probably all just a matter of conditioning the brain with long porn abuse. I just don’t know how to stop without embarrassing me in front of my parents and everyone else.
Besides porn addiction, I suffer from some kind of mild chronical depression, avoidant personality disorder with traits of shizoprenic personality disorder. At least that is my conclusion. It would fit perfectly fine. I have no ambition in succeeding in life, putting effort into some sort of career, whats the point anyway, when death tears all achievements apart? I dont believe in God, afterlife (and all that religous crap) and got no faith in humanity. We are surely the most cruel and dangerous species for our planet. Once tried to cut my wrists, couldn’t even do that. I am a failure and apparantly not worth to be loved. This tiny bit of hope inside me makes me not wanna commit suicide, tho I feel that its never gonna get better. My dad recently lost his job, because he stole from his firm. He is such a loser, just like me. Its in the genes. I can’t get women to love me, I can’t love myself, I can’t kill myself, I don’t know what to do with my life, I feel alone and bitter. I hate women anyways. They are narcissistic, facile and just plain stupid. I hate all the fucking stupid happy people. Sometimes I just wanna see the world burn! I got no job and I am afraid what the future holds. Could I even be happy if I got a job and a girlfriend? Does that wipe away all my problems? Guess not. I couldn’t handle the world and so I turned into o a hopeless monster, full of emptiness, sadness and hate.
And guess what, all that stuff like: life itself has no defined purpose, you have to give it a purpose on your own… just go out and chat with women… just keep thinking positive and it will get better… ALL THAT CRAP I’VE READ 100 times… if it would have worked, I wouldnt write this post here… I am just not made for this world… anyone feels the same? any1 went through the same and made it?
- Song of my soul, my voice is dead,
- Die thou, unsung, as tears unshed
- Shall dry and die in
- Lost Carcosa.
23 comments
Where to start. It’s a proven fact that once someone is addicted to porn it is almost impossible for them to become aroused by “regular means”. Ed is very common. The brain and body becomes conditioned to wanting more and more stimuli. And then nothing is enough. You obviously have ptsd and depression. And the porn is feeding into your hatred of your mom and women. People with ptsd or who have been emotionally or physically abused or have gone thru traumatic events which you have are bound to recreate them anyway they know how unless they get counseling and meds. That’s a quote from dr.Phil. you don’t need a gf. You don’t need to die and you definitely don’t need a job to be surrounded by more people right now. You need a diagnosis and some intensive specialized one on one and good meds. Mood stabilizers and maybe anti anxiety. You need to focus on you. Addiction is addiction. You’re not creepy. You’re hella smart to be making money off a hobby and not all girls are dumb. You’re just being exposed to the seedy underworld of how to make a ton of money off really crazy shit!
“… proven fact that once someone is addicted to porn it is almost impossible for them to become aroused by “regular means”.”
Stop. Just stop. lol.
You are totally right about the porn stuff. I read that too. However I don’t hate my mom. It wasn’t her fault and when she was “normal” she tried to make up for her bad periods (sometimes too much). I love her. She is in fact the only women I can truly respect.
About therapy and medication. I might defeat my addiction, but how should I therapist help about the rest? Life will still be pointless, as we all gonna die. I will still have no goal in life and still be a shy mr nice guy and get no women, which will lead me directly to porn again. Somehow I hate the idea of getting medicated in order to feel better. Isn’t life on drugs an illusion? Thats why i quit religion, bec i dont wanna live an illusion… I would feel like a chicken, who runs from reality, because I am too weak to deal with it. Also can it be exhausting to find the right meds and dosis…
Something inside me even resents the idea of everything getting better. I am so used to feel bad and crawling in my skin. Always felt like a victim/alien. Its so much more convenient. Trying to take serious actions and possibly failing at it, scares the shit out of me. Irrationally as it is, some part of me rather goes down the road of darkness than trying to climb the mountain into the light.
My hate for myself, woman and the world in general is sometimes so deep that I am idealizing a destructive kind of me. It feels like a black hole inside my chest and horns coming out of my shoulders and head and i imagine transforming in some kind of devil. It lets me feel powerful for a moment. I dont wanna give that part of me up. When I surrender to darkness for a moment, its the only time I am above my pathetic problems. Although it could get stronger over the years and lose control of it at one point…
What I meant was when people get used to solely masturbating to pirn especially those who have never engaged in sexual contact with another person and are addicted to pirn, the brain links the two. Therefore when they ho to have sex with someone they have ed. It’s a known connection. He will probably have to seek medical and psychological help
i would say i know what its like but i would be lying, i am dealing with my own demons. But i remember when i was like that and i am probably like that but how i deal with it is that i bury it under hate and make peace with being alone i pretend not to care and drown my self in work. Not the best living but its beter than not living try it.
Until you are ready to let go of the past and see what life has to offer other than darkness which includes getting rid of porn and prostitution than there’s no point asking questions. Again you don’t need a gf or friends or even a job. Counseling helps to see mistakes You made. Not what other people do or don’t do. You don’t control others. Meds are good for calming the storm. It helps stop the chatter in your head so you can sort stuff out. It helps you even out the chemical imbalances so that you can attack your darkness and see if you really want to end it or stick around a little longer. You may not think you don’t have resentments towards your mom but you do have some. You obviously see women in a very bad light and if your mom was an amazing role model you would not be watching women being degraded. And having sex with transsexuals is considered bisexual not gay. A true heterosexual would not have sex with a man. It’s not a dis. Just let’s keep it real. And porn is an addiction that can lead to other illegal activities as well so I urge you to be careful
I feel like you are a woman keckis? Tell me, why is it okay that women ignore, exploit, hurt and degrade me over years, when all I was, was being nice. BUT WHEN I watch women being degraded it is suddenly so wrong?? It’s that kind of double morality those cold-hearted bitches profit from… If I’d be a girl and post stuff like this everyone would have empathy, poor little girl got treated bad from assholes blablabla. But hey I am guy so just forgive and forget and shame on you having a bad attitude towards women! Thats so weak!… After all women want to be degraded (on different levels) or why do they choose abusive guys and machos over nice guys and secretly have rape/submissive fantasies etc
A girl once just run away, when I told her I liked her. Turns out she just wanted me to help her passing an exam. Or just recently a girl chatted with me on a party (both drunk), she asked for a drink, I asked for a birthday kiss, she did, then said: “thats about all you get from me ever! now wheres my drink?” looking down on me like I could be happy she even touches me. Got dozens of examples…
After all I am addicted to porn, because of women. I can’t have sex, because of women. I got depressed, because of women. Now I should just get over myself and forgive and forget… but where is the justice?
Watch “Bill Maher vs. Feminism”
“Feminism”/misogyny two sides, same coin
whoooooo, can o’ worms.
Some good questions there.
That reply was amazing. What you describe does happen (guys do something = jerks, girls do the same = get away with it) but in no case it applies to everyone (i’m all for equality, when it really means equality, not advantage-ality as i like to call it).
The funniest thing i’ve found is that some girls see it as a right, and if you call them out on their behavior they act like you are insane and even insult you, since they should get away with it because they are girls.
So tell me, did keckis personally exploit, hurt and degrade you? So woman are jerks for denying you sex that is so rightfully yours? I see this time and time again when men freak out because a woman’s body is not sexually available to them and so they degrade women, thus further alienating them. Both men and women can be assholes. I just tend to see more men on the internet who are sexually frustrated and tend to lash out at women because porn tells them that they deserve p ussy served on a silver platter. There are plenty of women who hate men just as much as you hate women because they have been exploited and abused as well (and not just rejecting your advances, I mean psychically taken advantage of). And here’s a little reading on why you may be thinking that every girl who is nice to you is constantly rejecting you.
“One example of a false-positive bias is in men’s estimations of women’s sexual interest. For an ancestral man, failing to detect sexual interest in a woman resulted in a missed reproductive opportunity, which was highly costly to his reproductive success. The opposite error (believing that a woman was interested when she was not) was perhaps a bit embarrassing, but probably was less costly overall. Thus, error management theory predicts that natural selection designed a bias in men toward slightly overestimating a woman’s sexual interest in order to reduce the likelihood of a missed sexual opportunity; this leads modern men to “overpercieve” women’s sexual interest.”
I feel like this bears repeating from my other post so here goes; this forum is fast turning into a debacle were people are not being respected. We all come from the same place, we are all looking for comfort and safety from each other.
thx thanatos (i like your screenname). loved bill maher already in “RELIGULOUS”. what he has to say is sad and funny at the same time. personally i believe feminism is okay, as long as its about equality of genders. but we are well past this point. woman are trying to control us. you cant criticize this evolvment or you are instantly called a women-hating asshole, who’s trying to keep women down. on the other hand women can do the fuck what they want, its okay bec they are poor little women.
I left a link under your comment, all links get left in the pending room, if you want to check it out, it’s there.
You can also approve it if you choose to, and it will show up here, I don’t think it will make any shit hit the fan right now.
I wonder what would happen if there was a third, more powerful gender that existed along with men and women?
more powerful in which way? please don’t start a god-discussion! the idea of gods helped ancient people explain things they couldnt explain (like rain) and is a symptom of our narcissistic self to make us feel special and to help weak people to cope with our cruel reality by giving them hope!
now please tell me, you were not talking about a god or the sympathy you gained with bill maher got neutralized 😀
…where did that come from?
apparantly out of nowhere ha? :O
i have been born into a religous surrounding and i had to realize its all fucking hypocrisy, so as far as my tolerance goes, when it comes to religion, i have a hard time practicing it.
nothing personal tho
In regards to the third gender thing, I didn’t mention anything religious broham. You said english isn’t your first language? Maybe we’ve got a derp goin’ on 😛
I mean if a third gender existed that was basicly “the man” to men.. if reproduction included three (very confusing) phases, I wonder what would become of gender roles and stereotypes etc; idk. In the event of an obscurely gendered alien invasion, I for one would like to know how to handle myself in that situation, lol 🙂 .
oh i see. well, if those aliens are looking hot, i might just become tri-sexual lol
wadafuq are we talking about right now :O
back to topic plz 😀
Oh yeah, sorry, I didn’t intend to highjack your post. I just thought it was pretty much wrapped up and maybe we could start an interesting discussion about, you know, trisexual reproduction.
You are starting to remind me of the very sentiments of Elliot Rodger, the student who posted his video before the mass shooting. He was also extremely resentful of women, saying all he ever wanted to do was love them, but then goes on to curse them out and then call them disgusting bitches (now when has that ever sent a women’s heart a flutter?). Tell me, if you were a women, would you have touched this guy with a ten foot pole because you felt sorry for him? Look I understand what you have gone through and why you harbor this resentment but I have also dated way to many guys who were so self-pitying. They always played the “nice guy” thing as well, listen nice guys don’t feel the need to assert themselves as such. Those so called “nice guys” that need to label themselves as such are usually the ones who place women on a pedestal and then proceed to degrade them when they feel the girl is inaccessible. There is a really funny jenna marbles video on “nice guys” you might appreciate.
I understand these are your personal feelings and you’re just venting. And I do feel for you, truly, so here is my bro statement of the day. Love yourself and hire a hooker. For everyone’s sake. I’m partly joking but seriously, here is a woman who wants you to get laid!
I said I used to be a nice guy. Now I am not so sure anymore. Anyway I don’t put women on a pedestal, I rather put myself down, which results in feeling the girl is inaccessible too. And I don’t demand sex and that this is my right! But I see, why you might feel that way. When I talk about my life in such an honest way, I tend to get angry about me and everything else. I am not always that way. I think I am a nice guy, bec girls keep telling me they think I am a nice person and they wanna be friends, but nothing more. What I kinda “demand” (bec i want it so badly) is to feel loved for once. I can’t see, why a girl never felt that for me, when they keep falling even for morons. I have some friends, an interesting hobby, money and travel – so I wouldnt even be a total boring piece of shit – is shyness and insecureness such a turndown? 🙁