I have been a lurker for a very long time. Reading your stories has been very cathartic for me. I don’t want anyone to have a miserable life and I wish we all had great ones but unfortunately that isn’t a reality for most of us. Life is hard and very unfair. I like that this site allows us to share our thoughts and feelings without fear. I am very depressed myself and life has been hard. I can’t find many reasons to continue on but I am too afraid to commit suicide. I’ve come to terms that this is it for me, that my life will not get any better. I don’t have any children or a husband. I am in a lot of physical pain and that alone makes me consider suicide. I have dogs and they are truly the reason that I haven’t tried to commit suicide. They are my joy and they love me unconditionally. I don’t want anyone to end up taking care of them if I go. Many humans are cruel and I don’t trust that they would be taken care of properly. Most of my family is abusive and dysfunctional. I only have one family member’s support. I feel like a burden. I am not sure why I am still on this earth. I should have died in a car accident but I lived but the years since that car accident have been hell.
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I feel your pain. I was just going to post about the hell I’ve experienced following a bad car accident three years ago, but chickened out (I don’t really like talking about my feelings). I’ve experienced depression and anxiety, was checked in to an inpatient facility last november when I became extremely suicidal, but was too afraid to try. I’ve had multiple surguries, so I can really relate to you about the physical pain, but the emotional is so much worse in my opinion. Thank you for sharing… it makes me feel better knowing someone else is going through something similar (although I’m sorry you are…I wouldn’t wish anyone the pain from going through something so hard). My horse and guinea pigs are what keep me going. It’s amazing how helpful it is to talk to them-they always listen and somehow always know when you’re feeling down!! And sorry for the long comment. It actually feels good to vent 🙂
It does feel good to vent and to know others feel the same as you do! The physical pain really gets the emotional pain going, doesn’t it? Sometimes the physical pain distracts me but it seems to stir up my emotional pain. I sometimes feel claustrophobic in my own body. I can remember how I used to be and it upsets me. Just grateful for animals and they truly are the best listeners :).
In November when I got really bad it was an unexpected emergency surgery that set me down the path to my lowest low. It was the last straw for me, so I know exactly what you mean when you say physical pain can either lessen or amplify the emotional side of things. I feel bad for my family, because they do their best to try and help, but there’s really not much they can do. If you ever need someone to vent to, feel free to email me (it’s a fake email, but I end up checking it frequently) tallyho305 @ gmail.com. And I always lurk on this site (I have been ever since the accident), so I’m also glad I’m not the only lurker 🙂
I am glad I am not the only one too and thank you for being there if and when I need to vent :). Sorry it took so long to post. Been in a lot of pain.
You struck a nerve with me – in May I ended up on the floor next to my bed in the middle of the night in respiratory arrest. I live with my daughter and somehow the EMT’s were called and they scooped me up and hauled me to the hospital. The point is I shouldn’t have survived and since I have lived with severe chronic pain like you for many years but am forced to work outside the home I am sorry I lived. I remember waking a couple of times on the way to the ER and I never felt so peaceful – no fear even though I knew each time I drifted away I might never come back. Since then I have been plagued with the thought of just why I am alive and all I can surmise is that there is something I have left to do.
There is certainly a real reason you are still here – I make no claim that the thought will make things easier for you but it is something to consider. I truly hope things get better for you and that you can find a spark of hope that they will. Just please don’t give up – I wish you the best.
I am too afraid to try and end my life. I have a family member who tried and lived. Nothing bad happened to them but it always terrified that person that maybe they would wake up worse off than before but I understand that peace that comes with it. I remember signing the release forms for surgery and the warning about anesthesia. On my way to surgery, I was never afraid of not waking up but of waking up during the surgery. I was completely at peace if I passed away. It does somewhat comfort me to hear these words that maybe there is a reason. It doesn’t stop the pain but it does give me some reason to get up in the morning. We must be here for a reason. I am sorry for your painful condition as well!