I went through that whole endless crying phase… eventually i “ran out of tears.” I still feel the inkling of that feeling, but it’s like a lingering ember, rather than a raging inferno. I can’t remember the last time i shed more than 2 tears in one sitting (one per eye). I still get the precursors, and sometimes “feel like i might,” but it doesn’t happen. And if it does, crying doesn’t fix what caused it. It’s wasted energy, IMO. Plus, it’s seen as weakness, vulnerability, and there are too many opportunists out there just itching to exploit people’s emotions and emotionally sensitive states. For a while, it’s probably best to just let it happen when it happens, but let it deplete itself, learn to control it, and don’t let “triggers” ruin your days. We only get so many, right?
Like Bruce Lee would probably suggest: you have to learn to channel your emotional content into a chosen task, rather than allowing it to spray in random directions. It’s your energy: you decide what to do with it. You can make it anything from a laser to a cloud.
I’m trying so hard to find that strength to hold myself together
On a side note.. I’m having the hardest time writing anything lately. I can’t find the words not even in emails to friends. I try to read and respond to posts here on SP but my head is so lost I lose focus and give up eventually.
It’s hard
And now I have to go work
It’s okay man. Sometimes there are no words, other times, you can’t find the right ones. No use trying to rush it. Just keep breathing, and take things as they come. It’s a bit of a cycle, and after a few days (possibly weeks) of social abstinence and “you-time,” you’ll probably wake up one day, full of stuff you want to say to whoever. It’ll come, as long as you give yourself the chance to get there. Meanwhile, don’t sweat the BS.
Thanks man.
I just keep riding this emotional roller coaster. Up and down and up and down over and over it doesn’t stop and it’s making me sick
I’m not trying to “attack you” or anything when I say this, but rather expressions of my hurt knowing how hard I try and still this tunnel has no end.. But I have to say you are very lucky you’ve been able to basically not leave your house and not have to work all this time. You get to wake up whenever and smoke and if you are feeling down you can just drop what you are doing and handle it however you want with out the outside world invading your space (aside from people you live with). I’ve had to deal with all the pain and hurt and failure of life all while maintaining this ethic and self motivated struggle and sacrifice of comfort . Life fucking sucks!
Fuck…and now they want to clean the porta-potties so I must make my exit back out into the world 🙁
Fuck!!!
I am very aware of how “lucky” i am… but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t just get to smoke whenever i want (not weed anyway), because how can i acquire it without A) carrying friends, and B) money to buy it? And if i spend money on nugs, i won’t have enough for anything else. I haven’t had any at all in nearly a month. I don’t get to control that. It’s here if it’s here, and not if it’s not.
When my heartbreaker struck, i was in the middle of probably the best job i’ve ever had, and that was ruined almost immediately. Like i’ve mentioned many times: without family helping me to survive, i would be dead. You can call that lucky in some ways, but the conditions of that survival are not exactly optimal, to put it lightly.
I’ve been granted two further attempts at employment since then, and have lost both; the first, due to my own psychological collapse, and the second was taken from me due to people arbitrarily being fuckers.
What i was getting at, is that while you still have work, ignore the emotional BS and just work. I know that’s easier said than done, because i failed at it myself. As they say, “hindsight is 20/20.” Save that shit for when you get home. And when you do get home, have a cry session! No one has to know! And you don’t have to feel ashamed. Let it happen, process it, get through the instability, and eventually reclaim your control. I say these things because i think you’re stronger than me, and because i learned from my own failures… but not before they had taken such a toll for which i can no longer compensate effectively.
In this case, prevention is the best medicine: don’t let yourself deteriorate like i did, once i was forced to rely on insufficient “help” in order to merely remain alive, in a life i’m still not convinced i even want to continue. Being forced to rely on others for your own survival is a trap. You could say i’m “lucky to be alive,” but the conditions controlled and provided by those who wanted to help me not die, have become part of the problem. I’m just trying to help you not become me. If there was something i could do, i’d be doing it. Without help i would have died, and i often wish i had.
If i had been able to sufficiently manage the overwhelming emotional devastation, i think i would have been okay. But i couldn’t, and now i’m not. There’s a domino effect; watch out for it. I had to quit a job at a restaurant i liked, because i couldn’t even hold it together well enough to perform adequately. Plus, i had this ***** periodically reaching out through emails to press my buttons again and again, over the course of about 3 years, which definitely didn’t help.
I’m not offended and i don’t feel attacked; i do understand where you’re coming from, and not everything i might say might be applicable to your situation. Take the parts that help, discard what doesn’t. I know real life on your own sucks (in many scenarios). I can’t even afford that. I wonder if i ever will.
@CN- thanks man. And I know it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be for you. I always see that part too.
And yeah it’s really not easy just focusing on work. I’m constantly reminded how alone I am, it makes me want to jump off this fucking roof.
And you do help man, don’t think you are less than a person like me.. My days have always been numbered.
@The God that doesn’t fucking exist- a little fucking help here please!!! Where is my strength?? Where is my gift?? Give me back my rage and anger so that I may over come these dark days!! I feel the flames, now let me burn this mother down!!
GIVE IT ALL BACK NOW!!!!!!
I’ve long since lost count of the number of times people have used the “you don’t work so you don’t know” thing… and when i was working, taking anything i could get, believing that was “better than nothing,” it seemed like people would take every opportunity to belittle me for not making enough money, and for all the extended impacts of such a situation… as if i actually have any control over that, or get to choose the judgment criteria of any of those who have ever employed me.
The more relevant issue here, is that i’ve never had a live-in significant other, and certainly not for multiple years in a row. I could easily estimate that it would be worse.
I’ve genuinely loved, and had that person turn into a monster, and subsequently psychologically torment me for years. That’s my frame of reference; quite different from yours, it would seem.
That restaurant job i mentioned was on the top of a 6-story building. I was having constant visions of leaping off that shit. Maybe if i’d forced myself to keep going, i wouldn’t even be here today.
Maybe you should try to find work closer to sea level. ^^
“The goal of spiritual or transformational work is to wake up from the dream. It is to break free of the internal dialogue. It is to see through the mind-created illusion of “me, myself, and my story,” the imaginary world you have created between your ears, making you feel separate and apart from others.” from The Present, a free book at http://www.truthcontest.com
What do you think about this? Agree or disagree?
Your eyes can be opened to the truth if you just look. Check it out for yourself, if your eyes are opened it will change you forever.
For people who rely on work to survive and are in jobs that they dislike and if they don’t have a social life to offset the monotony then it’s just work, eat and sleep over and over again. I hate this type of life but I have put up with it for a long time hoping things will improve and I’ll find a better balance of work vs enjoyment but working nights makes it difficult as I seem to be tired a lot of the time and sometimes I can’t be bothered to do anything but just lie on my bed drained of all energy, also I find it hard to find friends anyway.
@jackie: sounds like it’s going the right direction… but it’s a duality, because being awake doesn’t mean that you’re not “you,” and that you didn’t still arrive upon/into/among the present, due to the circumstances of the past, many of which are not self-generated. There are 7+ billion people self-generating effects and influences upon a shared environment. We’re all here, now.
@anyone: i just encountered this quote that i thought was great:
“Someone i loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” -Mary Oliver
*****! lol
nah man, honestly sometimes the strongest thing you can do RT, the most manly thing u can do is let those brown(?) eyed rivers flow. seriously man sometimes the toughest thing is to just let it all out. holding it in wont do u any good in healing in the long run. trust me. (;
I have to force myself to stop crying at work because I share a office with someone the tears are hard to stop I breath deeply to help me control my emotions
Right now I’m stuck in the way that I’m waiting to be able to get a new phone so that I can finally add new music to my phone. I know that if I could just get some new music I’d be able to fight through the work, enough to distract me through the days. Like a vice squeezing my heart and my head.. I need to stop listening to the same sad old shit.. It just beats the screaming in my thoughts that echo over all the silence in its absence
There should be some kind of musical playlist rotation swap site, like people who have the same tastes in music create playlists to share with each other and listen to for a few days, and if they like the playlist they’ve acquired from somone else they can keep it amongst the others they have. The playlists would be randomly cycled around, people would select their preferences.. I could see that becoming a website.
I know the feeling and it sucks beyond words. The pointless ritual of going to work, hiding my feelings, being a productive member of society only so I can go home 8 hours later and prepare for the next cycle, it doesn’t exactly give me the will to live.
If you’re lucky enough to have a job as menial and insignificant as mine, it helps to take a few sleeping pills. Not to sleep but just enough to take the edge off reality. Alcohol they can smell, weed is probably just as obvious, but good old sleeping pills just make me seem like a dumbass, not that anyone notices. The days zip by.
I’m not sure what else would help, RealTalk, but I hope you manage. The daily grind is brutal to those of us who can’t take any more.
Yeah i will get through this. Once I have the ability to download music I will be set for work distractions. And I’ve already set my intended focuses in writing. I intend to focus on work and hobbies and nothing else..not dating, not friends just me myself and I. It’s not a great life to lead but for right now it has to be done. I need to find happiness without any one else, just me. Then I know I will be ok.
“I need to find happiness without any one else, just me.”
Best strategy ever. Too many of us bank our happiness on things beyond our control. Husbands/wives, careers, family, acceptance in society. Any of that can vanish in a heartbeat. But the 1 thing you can be sure of, as long as you’re alive, is yourself. Rock on, RealTalk.
Thanks man!
Yeah I’ve come to the realization (now that I have nothing) that I want too much. I wanted to be in a relationship so bad when I was alone and I had no solid career, back then. When I met my ex I wanted to take care of her so badly I tried harder and pushed for more work till all of a sudden I’m in the career I am today. So I’ve built up this mountain for this girl, thinking as long as I wanted more and believed in more and proved I was more, I could build more and more..till she left me standing at the highest cliff with nothing to show but my ability to survive on my own financially. And it’s like (idk) running to a class that you are already late for, the bell has already rung.. It’s like, what am I rushing for? What the hell do I have to prove? I’m a flunky anyways!
Well not really…I graduated high school back in 2001 lol
Point being..
I have so much to be thankful for and so much freedom in my life. I have time left on this earth and I shouldn’t spoil it by living in the past or within my own bitter expectations and fears. I have hobbies and interests and ambitions that speak to me without the approval of anyone else. And they all need to be acknowledged for once.
So hopefully this roller coaster stays level for a wile
It is a roller coaster, isn’t it? What you said about building a mountain is so familiar to me. You put everything into an idea, and then one day it’s like ok here I am, elevation 20,000, how the frick do I get down to where I should really be?? Answer: carefully 🙂
lol yeah that’s basically what it feels like. I guess anyone in this situation should be very careful “coming back down” to where they need to be. In many ways it isn’t about coming down to “where I should be” but more like.. “Why am I building? What am I building? Why do I keep building more? Who am I building for?” It’s now that I realize that I shouldn’t have been a mountain climber! lol
Like Clevername said.. “Find a job closer to sea level” LMFAO!!!
22 comments
I went through that whole endless crying phase… eventually i “ran out of tears.” I still feel the inkling of that feeling, but it’s like a lingering ember, rather than a raging inferno. I can’t remember the last time i shed more than 2 tears in one sitting (one per eye). I still get the precursors, and sometimes “feel like i might,” but it doesn’t happen. And if it does, crying doesn’t fix what caused it. It’s wasted energy, IMO. Plus, it’s seen as weakness, vulnerability, and there are too many opportunists out there just itching to exploit people’s emotions and emotionally sensitive states. For a while, it’s probably best to just let it happen when it happens, but let it deplete itself, learn to control it, and don’t let “triggers” ruin your days. We only get so many, right?
Like Bruce Lee would probably suggest: you have to learn to channel your emotional content into a chosen task, rather than allowing it to spray in random directions. It’s your energy: you decide what to do with it. You can make it anything from a laser to a cloud.
I’m trying so hard to find that strength to hold myself together
On a side note.. I’m having the hardest time writing anything lately. I can’t find the words not even in emails to friends. I try to read and respond to posts here on SP but my head is so lost I lose focus and give up eventually.
It’s hard
And now I have to go work
It’s okay man. Sometimes there are no words, other times, you can’t find the right ones. No use trying to rush it. Just keep breathing, and take things as they come. It’s a bit of a cycle, and after a few days (possibly weeks) of social abstinence and “you-time,” you’ll probably wake up one day, full of stuff you want to say to whoever. It’ll come, as long as you give yourself the chance to get there. Meanwhile, don’t sweat the BS.
Thanks man.
I just keep riding this emotional roller coaster. Up and down and up and down over and over it doesn’t stop and it’s making me sick
I’m not trying to “attack you” or anything when I say this, but rather expressions of my hurt knowing how hard I try and still this tunnel has no end.. But I have to say you are very lucky you’ve been able to basically not leave your house and not have to work all this time. You get to wake up whenever and smoke and if you are feeling down you can just drop what you are doing and handle it however you want with out the outside world invading your space (aside from people you live with). I’ve had to deal with all the pain and hurt and failure of life all while maintaining this ethic and self motivated struggle and sacrifice of comfort . Life fucking sucks!
Fuck…and now they want to clean the porta-potties so I must make my exit back out into the world 🙁
Fuck!!!
I am very aware of how “lucky” i am… but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t just get to smoke whenever i want (not weed anyway), because how can i acquire it without A) carrying friends, and B) money to buy it? And if i spend money on nugs, i won’t have enough for anything else. I haven’t had any at all in nearly a month. I don’t get to control that. It’s here if it’s here, and not if it’s not.
When my heartbreaker struck, i was in the middle of probably the best job i’ve ever had, and that was ruined almost immediately. Like i’ve mentioned many times: without family helping me to survive, i would be dead. You can call that lucky in some ways, but the conditions of that survival are not exactly optimal, to put it lightly.
I’ve been granted two further attempts at employment since then, and have lost both; the first, due to my own psychological collapse, and the second was taken from me due to people arbitrarily being fuckers.
What i was getting at, is that while you still have work, ignore the emotional BS and just work. I know that’s easier said than done, because i failed at it myself. As they say, “hindsight is 20/20.” Save that shit for when you get home. And when you do get home, have a cry session! No one has to know! And you don’t have to feel ashamed. Let it happen, process it, get through the instability, and eventually reclaim your control. I say these things because i think you’re stronger than me, and because i learned from my own failures… but not before they had taken such a toll for which i can no longer compensate effectively.
In this case, prevention is the best medicine: don’t let yourself deteriorate like i did, once i was forced to rely on insufficient “help” in order to merely remain alive, in a life i’m still not convinced i even want to continue. Being forced to rely on others for your own survival is a trap. You could say i’m “lucky to be alive,” but the conditions controlled and provided by those who wanted to help me not die, have become part of the problem. I’m just trying to help you not become me. If there was something i could do, i’d be doing it. Without help i would have died, and i often wish i had.
If i had been able to sufficiently manage the overwhelming emotional devastation, i think i would have been okay. But i couldn’t, and now i’m not. There’s a domino effect; watch out for it. I had to quit a job at a restaurant i liked, because i couldn’t even hold it together well enough to perform adequately. Plus, i had this ***** periodically reaching out through emails to press my buttons again and again, over the course of about 3 years, which definitely didn’t help.
I’m not offended and i don’t feel attacked; i do understand where you’re coming from, and not everything i might say might be applicable to your situation. Take the parts that help, discard what doesn’t. I know real life on your own sucks (in many scenarios). I can’t even afford that. I wonder if i ever will.
@CN- thanks man. And I know it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be for you. I always see that part too.
And yeah it’s really not easy just focusing on work. I’m constantly reminded how alone I am, it makes me want to jump off this fucking roof.
And you do help man, don’t think you are less than a person like me.. My days have always been numbered.
@The God that doesn’t fucking exist- a little fucking help here please!!! Where is my strength?? Where is my gift?? Give me back my rage and anger so that I may over come these dark days!! I feel the flames, now let me burn this mother down!!
GIVE IT ALL BACK NOW!!!!!!
I’ve long since lost count of the number of times people have used the “you don’t work so you don’t know” thing… and when i was working, taking anything i could get, believing that was “better than nothing,” it seemed like people would take every opportunity to belittle me for not making enough money, and for all the extended impacts of such a situation… as if i actually have any control over that, or get to choose the judgment criteria of any of those who have ever employed me.
The more relevant issue here, is that i’ve never had a live-in significant other, and certainly not for multiple years in a row. I could easily estimate that it would be worse.
I’ve genuinely loved, and had that person turn into a monster, and subsequently psychologically torment me for years. That’s my frame of reference; quite different from yours, it would seem.
That restaurant job i mentioned was on the top of a 6-story building. I was having constant visions of leaping off that shit. Maybe if i’d forced myself to keep going, i wouldn’t even be here today.
Maybe you should try to find work closer to sea level. ^^
“The goal of spiritual or transformational work is to wake up from the dream. It is to break free of the internal dialogue. It is to see through the mind-created illusion of “me, myself, and my story,” the imaginary world you have created between your ears, making you feel separate and apart from others.” from The Present, a free book at http://www.truthcontest.com
What do you think about this? Agree or disagree?
Your eyes can be opened to the truth if you just look. Check it out for yourself, if your eyes are opened it will change you forever.
For people who rely on work to survive and are in jobs that they dislike and if they don’t have a social life to offset the monotony then it’s just work, eat and sleep over and over again. I hate this type of life but I have put up with it for a long time hoping things will improve and I’ll find a better balance of work vs enjoyment but working nights makes it difficult as I seem to be tired a lot of the time and sometimes I can’t be bothered to do anything but just lie on my bed drained of all energy, also I find it hard to find friends anyway.
@jackie: sounds like it’s going the right direction… but it’s a duality, because being awake doesn’t mean that you’re not “you,” and that you didn’t still arrive upon/into/among the present, due to the circumstances of the past, many of which are not self-generated. There are 7+ billion people self-generating effects and influences upon a shared environment. We’re all here, now.
@anyone: i just encountered this quote that i thought was great:
“Someone i loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.” -Mary Oliver
*****! lol
nah man, honestly sometimes the strongest thing you can do RT, the most manly thing u can do is let those brown(?) eyed rivers flow. seriously man sometimes the toughest thing is to just let it all out. holding it in wont do u any good in healing in the long run. trust me. (;
I have to force myself to stop crying at work because I share a office with someone the tears are hard to stop I breath deeply to help me control my emotions
I am so much stronger than this..
Right now I’m stuck in the way that I’m waiting to be able to get a new phone so that I can finally add new music to my phone. I know that if I could just get some new music I’d be able to fight through the work, enough to distract me through the days. Like a vice squeezing my heart and my head.. I need to stop listening to the same sad old shit.. It just beats the screaming in my thoughts that echo over all the silence in its absence
There should be some kind of musical playlist rotation swap site, like people who have the same tastes in music create playlists to share with each other and listen to for a few days, and if they like the playlist they’ve acquired from somone else they can keep it amongst the others they have. The playlists would be randomly cycled around, people would select their preferences.. I could see that becoming a website.
I know the feeling and it sucks beyond words. The pointless ritual of going to work, hiding my feelings, being a productive member of society only so I can go home 8 hours later and prepare for the next cycle, it doesn’t exactly give me the will to live.
If you’re lucky enough to have a job as menial and insignificant as mine, it helps to take a few sleeping pills. Not to sleep but just enough to take the edge off reality. Alcohol they can smell, weed is probably just as obvious, but good old sleeping pills just make me seem like a dumbass, not that anyone notices. The days zip by.
I’m not sure what else would help, RealTalk, but I hope you manage. The daily grind is brutal to those of us who can’t take any more.
Yeah i will get through this. Once I have the ability to download music I will be set for work distractions. And I’ve already set my intended focuses in writing. I intend to focus on work and hobbies and nothing else..not dating, not friends just me myself and I. It’s not a great life to lead but for right now it has to be done. I need to find happiness without any one else, just me. Then I know I will be ok.
“I need to find happiness without any one else, just me.”
Best strategy ever. Too many of us bank our happiness on things beyond our control. Husbands/wives, careers, family, acceptance in society. Any of that can vanish in a heartbeat. But the 1 thing you can be sure of, as long as you’re alive, is yourself. Rock on, RealTalk.
Thanks man!
Yeah I’ve come to the realization (now that I have nothing) that I want too much. I wanted to be in a relationship so bad when I was alone and I had no solid career, back then. When I met my ex I wanted to take care of her so badly I tried harder and pushed for more work till all of a sudden I’m in the career I am today. So I’ve built up this mountain for this girl, thinking as long as I wanted more and believed in more and proved I was more, I could build more and more..till she left me standing at the highest cliff with nothing to show but my ability to survive on my own financially. And it’s like (idk) running to a class that you are already late for, the bell has already rung.. It’s like, what am I rushing for? What the hell do I have to prove? I’m a flunky anyways!
Well not really…I graduated high school back in 2001 lol
Point being..
I have so much to be thankful for and so much freedom in my life. I have time left on this earth and I shouldn’t spoil it by living in the past or within my own bitter expectations and fears. I have hobbies and interests and ambitions that speak to me without the approval of anyone else. And they all need to be acknowledged for once.
So hopefully this roller coaster stays level for a wile
It is a roller coaster, isn’t it? What you said about building a mountain is so familiar to me. You put everything into an idea, and then one day it’s like ok here I am, elevation 20,000, how the frick do I get down to where I should really be?? Answer: carefully 🙂
lol yeah that’s basically what it feels like. I guess anyone in this situation should be very careful “coming back down” to where they need to be. In many ways it isn’t about coming down to “where I should be” but more like.. “Why am I building? What am I building? Why do I keep building more? Who am I building for?” It’s now that I realize that I shouldn’t have been a mountain climber! lol
Like Clevername said.. “Find a job closer to sea level” LMFAO!!!