Ah, look at all the lonely people…
In the church where a wedding has been,
Lives in a dream…
Waits at the window, wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door,
Who is it for…
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?
Of a sermon that no one will hear,
No one comes near…
Look at him working, darning his socks
In the night when there’s nobody there,
What does he care…
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
And was buried along with her name,
Father McKenzie wiping the dirt
From his hands as he walks from the grave,
No one was saved…
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?
Four o’clock in the afternoon and I didn’t feel like very much
I said to myself, ”Where are you golden boy? Where is your famous golden touch?”
I thought you knew where all of the elephants lie down
I thought you were the crown prince of all the wheels in Ivory town
Just take a look at your body now, there’s nothing much to save
And a bitter voice in the mirror cries, ”Hey, prince, you need a shave”
Now if you can manage to get your trembling fingers to behave
Why don’t you try unwrapping a stainless steel razor blade?
That’s right, it’s come to this… Yes, it’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
There’s no hot water and the cold is running thin
Well, what do you expect from the kind of places you’ve been living in?
Don’t drink from that cup, it’s all caked and and cracked along the rim
That’s not the electric light, my friend, that is your vision growing dim
Cover up your face with soap, there, now you’re Santa Claus
And you’ve got a gift for anyone who will give you his applause
I thought you were a racing man, but you couldn’t take the pace
That’s a funeral in the mirror and it’s stopping at your face
That’s right, it’s come to this… Yes, it’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
Once there was a path and a girl with chestnut hair
And you passed the summers picking all of the berries that grew there
There were times she was a woman, there were times she was just a child
And you held her in the shadows, where the raspberries grow wild
And you climbed the twilight mountains and you sang about the view
And everywhere that you wandered, love seemed to go along with you
That’s a hard one to remember, yes, it makes you clench your fist
And then the veins stand out like highways, all along your wrist
And yes, it’s come to this… It’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
You can still find a job, go out and talk to a friend
On the back of every magazine, there are those coupons you can send
Why don’t you join the Rosicrucians? They will give you back your hope…
You can find your love with diagrams on a plain brown envelope
But you’ve used up all your coupons, except the one that seems
To be written on your wrist, along with several thousand dreams
Now Santa Claus comes forward, that’s a razor in his mitt
And he puts on his dark glasses and he shows you where to hit
And then the cameras pan, the stand-in stuntman
Dress rehearsal rag… It’s just the dress rehearsal rag…
You know, this dress rehearsal rag… It’s just a dress rehearsal rag…
Its 12.30pm on a Tuesday morning, people my age are at work or school doing something meaningful with their lives yet here am I: Lying on my bed with no intention to make today worth it. I don’ t even know how I found the strength to type this. I have a job interview in a couple of hours yet I am wondering if I should go. I feel like doing nothing. Nothing interests me anymore. I have lost my appetite, my eyes are swollen from crying everyday.
2017 was one hell of a year. I graduated from college, I turned 24, got my first car, got a good job. Felt like I had my sh!t together. However I also lost my boyfriend of 3 years. got fired from 4 jobs and after the most recent one, I eventually attempted my first suicide project. I overdosed on a bunch of painkillers but that did not work. It just all came out as my body could not hold it in and I just threw up. For two weeks straight I put my phone off and avoided all human contact. My bestfriend who is in another country sent me a text « If you don’t respond to my messages I will call the cops ». Thats when I decided to use my phone again.
I live alone in Canada, all the few people who care about me are either thousands of miles away or just too distracted with their lives to know that I have been battling depression and anxiety for a long time now. I am a loner: no friends, no partner, no kids. I just feel empty, I don’t see the point to life. I am thinking that even if I had everything in the word I would still feel this way which is why I don’t even want to fight for good things. I did try before though, after my ex, I got into crappy “situationships” just to get some love out of it. I felt like if I was with someone, I would finally be happy but nobody likes a woman who is always sad, complains all the time and who seems desperate for affection. Its like trying to get a job when you have no experience; nobody wants to give you a job because you have no experience but how can you get that experience if no one is willing to hire you? That’s exactly how my life feels. I involuntarily push people away because of my melancolia but technically I need people or (people’s love) in order to get through it.
Being a Christian, the thought of suicide really scares me. If it works I am doomed: I don’t want to burn in hell fire. What good would it be to me to have lived an unpleasant life while alive and still go through same after dying? I want to be happy. If not in this life at least in the next one. Which is why I prayed to God endlessly to kill me Himself like in my sleep or through something really random and unexpected but He never did…. then I made a deal with Him to figure a way to “hide me somewhere” like going to an unknown country starting all over etc.. I don’t necessarily want to die but I want to be far away from everyone, I want to stop feeling like a failure and even when I do, I don’t want them to know about it. However God didn’t take this deal either. Will He be God if someone had the possibility to tell Him what to do? Lol
Another scary thing about suicide is what if it fails? Makes you hate life even more. Like I am thinking of drowning myself. Since I don’t know how to swim, it shouldn’t be too hard. But then again what if I get rescued in time? I will just be a laughing stock for people who know me. I know a lot of people pretend to sympathize with you when you are going through stuff but in reality, they just mock you in their hearts or they simply just don’t care. The people who care are supposed to be my family and friends but how do you explain depression to black people? No offense but most of them (most of us) just don’t get it.
The truth is I feel bad having to worry those who care about me, its easier running away than facing my truth with them. I am tired of being an emotional burden to them & even a financial burden. I was told that suicide is being selfish but I think its actually being very considerate. Is it not better for my folks to feel the pain just once when I die rather than being stressed on a daily basis because I am alive?
Some people go through stuff because: well, “such is life” but almost everything I go through is due to my own stupidity. Its like I don’t think straight. I am so clumsy. I wish I could forgive myself for all those mistakes . Even if I did will I want to start all over? My brain keeps thinking about the exact things which am trying to avoid. I want to shut it up forever. If I don’t, I would probably start using drugs or something and thats exactly what I am trying to avoid. I need a pill (just one or two) which I can take with a glass of wine and just sleep forever. Is that too much to ask?
I wish that I could be reborn in a new body. Cosmetically speaking, I have got to be one of the biggest freaks ever to exist. My body is a lemon. I have hideous body acne almost everywhere – including sometimes on my forearms. I’ve lost some hair. I have hideous teeth (possibly malocclusion). I am 28 years old but look like a puny 14-year-old. I’m also only 5’3.”
Before I continue, I must state that I know that these problems, individually, are not necessarily freakish (aside from forearm acne).
Yes, some people have bad body acne, and I’ve even found some rare examples online of people that do have forearm acne.
Yes, some people lose their hair.
Yes, some people have bad teeth.
Yes, some people look unusually young for their age.
Yes, some people are short, and I honestly stopped caring about being short long ago.
BUT…who has ALL of these deficiencies COMBINED!?
Think about each deficiency individually – and then combine them all – and imagine how such a person would look. Think of all those deficiencies combined. A balding guy with a puny body with acne on the head, face, neck, back, shoulders, chest, and forearms – and with horrible teeth. That’s how I look – or how I’ve feared I’d look – particularly if my hair loss and acne get worse. I even still have the voice of a wimpy 14-year-old kid. It’s like I’m stuck in puberty – only worse because it’s been a more ruthless, aggressive, and freakish form of puberty (acne spreading to forearms) – AND with middle-age problems at the same time (hair loss). It’s like George Costanza said: “I completely skipped healthy adulthood.” But at least George Costanza didn’t look like a punk kid – nor did he have hideous body acne.
Seriously, think about a balding, puny guy with forearm acne. Who would want to be friends with a freak like me? Who would hire a freak like me? Since last year in particular, I’ve considered myself very lucky in that I’ve had great friends – and that I was finally offered some job interviews. But that was THEN. That was just before I started losing my hair. That was before I started getting acne more often on my forearms, hands, and fingers. I looked like a freak before, but at least since I had hair and clean arms, I was at least somewhat acceptible in society. But if my hair loss and acne get significantly worse, who the hell would befriend or hire a balding, puny guy with forearm acne?
As I’ve said before, YES, INDIVIDUALLY, these problems aren’t that big of a deal. BUT I have ALL of them COMBINED, and I know of few or no other people like that.
Yes, there are people with severe cystic body acne, but are they also losing hair? If so, if THAT wasn’t bad enough, do they ALSO look 14? On top of that, do they ALSO have bad teeth – AND are freakishly short? Is there anyone that has ALL of these problems COMBINED? I don’t think so – or at least it’s extremely rare. I am a FREAK.
If it hasn’t been made clear already, the biggest problems for me are my severe body acne, my abnormally youthful appearance, and my hair loss.
I started getting severe cystic acne on my back and face almost exactly 14 years ago. I eventually was put on doxycycline and Accutane – both of which worked until I stopped taking them, and I can’t get back on them since I have no health insurance.
Regardless, one would think that, since I’m well past my teen years – well into my 20s – and almost into my 30s, my acne would have gotten better, right? Wrong. Not only has it not improved (except for my forehead), it’s actually been SPREADING. Yes, my acne is SPREADING at 28 years of age. My body acne, overall, has probably never been worse.
Two years ago, I started getting more severe acne on my chest, and last year, I started getting small but rare pimples on my arms. But earlier this year, my acne got worse. The pimples on my forearms became bigger and more frequent. Not only have I gotten them on my forearms, but I’ve also gotten them on my hands and fingers – albeit less often. But I’ve seen what my acne has done. It very well could get worse. I could end up with severe cystic acne on my forearms, hands, and fingers. Seriously, who’s ever heard of that? Am I really that big of a freak – not only to still get severe body acne at 28 – but to get it in unbelievably rare places?
I’ve seen posts online by people with acne on their forearms and hands, but they’ve often been greeted by naysayers – saying things like, “Are you sure it’s acne?” and “It’s probably keratosis pilaris.” But I really think that I have actual acne on my forearms and hands. I’ve never had any issues with the skin on my forearms and hands before. Also, the pimples aren’t itchy like keratosis pilaris bumps. They honestly seem just like normal acne pimples. Also, the pimples started appearing at the same time that they appeared elsewhere on my body (upper arms, chest, and stomach).
Sometimes, I’ve feared that getting acne on my forearms, hands, and fingers would cause so many social problems for me that I would have to put makeup on my arms, hands, and fingers. Seriously, who the hell has to put makeup on their ARMS!? On top of that, unless I got waterproof makeup, it would wash off anytime I washed my hands – meaning that trying to hide any hand acne would be futile. I’m such a freak.
Similarly, a huge problem for me is that I’m 28 years old but look like I’m 14. I’m not kidding at all. Now, many might say that looking young for one’s age is good, and I agree. The question is – HOW young? I wouldn’t mind looking 20-21 – but not like a puny kid!
I suddenly stopped growing taller when I was 14, and since then, I’ve been 5’3,” and my face and body haven’t widened or matured any since then – aside from getting some facial hair. Almost a decade and a half later, I still look like a puny, dweeby kid at 28. And on top of that, I have hideous acne all over my body – including my forearms and hands. Lovely.
As if THOSE two things weren’t bad enough, to top it all off, since late last year, I’ve lost some hair – though thankfully I haven’t gone totally bald. Most would say, “Big deal. Lots of guys lose hair.” But it IS a big deal due to the context. I ALREADY have hideous body acne in weird places. I ALREADY look like a 14-year-old. So how terrible would it look to be bald on top of that!?
I was freakish enough without hair loss, but at least my full head of hair compensated for everything else. Not anymore. Now, I have yet another deficiency, which for me is ten times worse than on most others since I already have a ridiculously puny, gross body.
Nowadays, many people recommend that those with hair loss shave their heads – and that there are many good-looking, bald celebrities – like Patrick Stewart, Vin Diesel, and Dwayne Johnson. And sure, they look fine bald, but that look doesn’t suit everyone – especially if one has a puny-looking body. Plus, if I shaved my head, then that would expose the cystic acne on the back of my scalp. See that? I can’t do what most NORMAL guys with hair loss do! That shows what a freak I am. As the saying goes, “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
So there you have it. I’m 28 but look like I’m 14, I have hideous acne everywhere, I’ve lost some hair, I have horrible teeth, and I’m only 5’3″. What a catch, right? Seriously, my body is such a piece of shit.
There comes a point when something is so badly screwed up that it’s better to just get rid of it and start over. That’s what I’d love to do with my body. I wish that I could kill myself – and then transfer my consciousness into another body. A new body. A better body. A REAL body – not this piece-of-shit lemon of a body that I was cursed with. One that would actually be strong enough to resist hair loss and acne. One that wouldn’t be pathetic enough to look like a 14-year-old kid. But unfortunately, transferring my consciousness into another, better body probably will not be possible in my lifetime. It really sucks.
In closing, I realize that many have problems worse than mine, but I’ve still felt very frustrated with my body since it’s had the potential to cause social problems. I wish that I could just kill myself and get a new, better body, but I honestly don’t want to kill myself, either, and I hope that my problems will get better.
Before we begin, some background. Last year, I graduated with a Master’s of Science in biology. This was made possible by a loving mother who brought me to Canada and financial support by its government. During this time I have managed to forge real friendships backed by common experience and mutual understanding, a first for the shy kid who would always find solace in his books. In short, I’m pretty privileged: healthy in mind and body, with a support network, and a small investment portfolio. I understand if you can’t sympathize with my situation. I won’t pretend that I know the challenges of having been abused, seeing loved ones suffer or die, or being diagnosed with distressful conditions physical or mental.
So what is the reason I am contemplating the ultimate contingency plan? It all boils down to unemployment. Finding the next step has been rather difficult and frustrating. I have managed to apply for a doctorate at another university, but that means I have nothing to do until September. If they accept me, of course. I find out in a month, along with whether I need to start paying back my student loans. My undergraduate degree left me with $30k of debt. Depending on the required monthly payment, I may not have enough savings to last until September. Going into more debt is a red line that I will not cross, and I am prepared to take drastic measures to prevent that. I have done everything that society has asked me to do, and I have nothing to show for it. More on this frustration at society later.
Now unemployment by itself shouldn’t make me feel this way. What of that support network? I live with mom, so I don’t need to pay rent (even though I used to contribute when I was employed, which is one of the things that really bother me). I do have my own personal expenses I need to take care of. I am grateful to have a roof over my head, but I wanted to leave. And I still want to leave. I have found that dear old mom has some qualities that I strongly disapprove of in people. She is unable to take responsibility for the negative consequences of her actions. Our current apartment is in a nice neighbourhood, and she complains about too much of her paycheck going to rent. She talks about how she moved for the sake of her sons, even though this was a unilateral decision on her part to get away from dad. She keeps going on expensive outdoor trips around the world, and then complains about not being able to save for retirement. It’s as if being a hardworking mother who has suffered much entitles her to live like the one percent. Without even going into the morality of such a system, it’s just not how this current society works. I owe my mother an insurmountable debt, but I want to avoid her. I have found her selfish, foolish, and cowardly.
Cowardly? Yes, as she is unable to discipline my brother and actively avoids said responsibility. Ah yes, my younger brother. Now here’s a real piece of work. Thinks highly of himself, even though he has accomplished little of value. Thinks he knows everything, even as he spouts stupidities such as employers prizing volunteer (read: unpaid) work over paid positions. Brags about how he knows a lot of people, even though he spends most evenings and weekends at home, parked in front of an electronic screen. If you did know a lot of people, then how come the only work you can find with your biology B.Sc. is part-time retail and general labourer positions? Thinks he is always right, even though he contributes nothing of value at home. Took a while for him to contribute a pittance towards the rent, then he stopped contributing even that (I predicted this would happen because of mom’s lack of authority). This despite buying himself expensive technical clothing, electronic devices, and even investments! As for home chores, nothing. Possibly even the opposite, with all the messes he leaves. The icing on the top of this rotten pastry is that he is indignant when challenged about these things. This psychopath is the other reason I want to leave this house.
I mentioned friends earlier. They are great, and I can’t ask for better. But they can’t help me with my problems and they can’t be there all the time. They have their own lives and I do not begrudge them that. Their company is just a salve on a gaping wound.
Burying myself in work was how I used to escape this home situation. But now I don’t even have that. I have heard nothing from positions I am completely qualified for. Even just a temporary position as a grocery merchandiser. It’s really grating working on applications that lead to nothing. I have done everything properly, and it’s not enough. It’s enough to make dark thoughts arise in my mind. That part of me is actually happy at current events. That incident in Quebec demonstrates that not even Canada is immune to the recent upheavals, which he finds very satisfying. He watches President Trump’s destabilizing actions with glee. He hopes that Trump will abrogate NAFTA, contracting the economies of the nations involved. Maybe other trade agreements as well. Why not involve the entire globe in a series of costly trade wars? He wishes for the election of Le Pen and other far-right leaders in Europe. Perhaps he will see the dissolution of NATO and the European Union. Let the current global order fall to pieces, he says. And Trump’s nuclear arms race rhetoric? Exciting! Maybe it will turn hot. Let this world burn. That part of me demands entertainment for the short amount of time he’ll be here. The other part of me is horrified, but is losing the ability to suppress this darkness. If this society will not allow me to participate in a meaningful way, then what do I care?
Maybe everything will work out in a month’s time. If it doesn’t, I have other things to look forward to. I always did want to see New York City and Washington, D.C. I envy you Americans. The Second Amendment is not just the right to bear arms, it is the right to an expedient end. Oh well, my 24th floor balcony is a decent backup. As much as I’d like to see Canada’s sesquicentennial (should be at least as good as the Philippine centennial, right?), I don’t think my savings or psyche can hold out that long. No point preparing for a future that won’t come. Time to live in the present.
Today I tried taking my life, i left home after greeting my wife and kids, having them believe that i was off to work. Instead i had planned to go to the river pop as many pills as possible and pass out. I threw up everything. Not deterred, i pulled out a knife and started cutting at myself, the blade was too dull, now imagine the feeling of being cut without actually bleeding, hurts like a ************. Still undeterred, i went home, locked myself away in a room and proceeded to beat the living hell out of myself…(picture fight club). I passed out, and when i awoke, i was still breathing. Why the hell am i not dying. When things got really bleak i asked my wife if she would end my life for me. Of course that was met with “you need help”.
So Now out of options, i dont know what to do. I have no strength to get up in the morning for work, Not to mention my face looks like a warzone. Im in a catch 22, i have not left this room as i dont want my kids to see my face, i have to leave to go to work as well.
I feel like screaming but the sound wont come out. I feel like im drowning in my own skin and that im a selfish bastard for feeling this way.
Will it ever end…………..
Maybe i should just come clean with my boss, “Im battling heavy depression and over the past two days Including my Birthday) i have attempted no less than 5 different ways of killing myself”. How would that conversation go? “im sorry you cant depend on me as i dont know when ill succeed”
That would be the right thing to do, however, my wise wife points out that I need the job if im still alive.
Im lost and stuck and my attempt at beating the shit out of myself was a result of wanting my outside to mirror what im feeling inside.
Took one pill the night before to calm my nerves. Guess it was a bad one, made me vomit all day long. I couldn’t stomache anything, let alone my 16 pills. Try again this Sunday I guess
I apologize for the long post. My story is summarized in the beginning and end of this post. This post turned out to be long because I felt that it was necessary to explain some aspects of my situation.
I’ve always loved life and feared death, so committing suicide was absolutely unthinkable for me. That changed in early July 2015 – when I finally considered suicide as an option for avoiding homelessness or jail in the future. Originally, any suicide that I might commit would take place after my parents’ deaths – and when I had no income and faced homelessness, which I estimated to be 10-15 years in the future. However, since attending a court date yesterday morning, and fearing that I would be issued an impossible probation condition, I’ve feared that I might have to commit suicide within weeks or months – rather than years as I originally “planned.”
I should probably explain how I ended up being open to suicide in the first place. It all started almost one year ago when I was arrested for domestic violence, and I spent a day in jail before being bailed out. My stay in jail was absolutely traumatic for me – especially in the holding cell. I couldn’t do anything except sit and pace the floor. It was so incredibly boring, and I had to sit there so long. It was agonizing. I told myself that I never wanted to return to jail again.
That mindset helped open the door to suicide about a month later. For years, I’ve feared that I would ultimately be homeless because I’ve had a seemingly hard time getting jobs – or even interviews. One day, I realized that, without my parents’ support, I was screwed. Seven years had passed since I graduated high school, and I estimated that my parents would be around for another 10-15 years. That might have seemed like a lot of time, but it wasn’t – considering how fast my years since high school passed. I feared that I would still be unable to find work – and that I would end up homeless, and then, I would go to jail for being homeless. I would be caught in an endless cycle because I would still fail to find work, resulting in me being homeless again, and then, resulting in me going to jail again. And after my experience in jail, I did not want to go back. Therefore, I wanted to avoid it by any means necessary – even if it meant suicide.
I wanted to die happy – and on my terms. I wanted to die – surrounded by my nice, comfortable home – not being anxious and rotting in a jail cell. Therefore, I wanted to preempt any arrest with suicide.
Eventually, I had plans in place that would hopefully help me avoid – or delay – homelessness and suicide. However, I began worrying about my domestic violence case – fearing probation. I feared it for two reasons: a potential no-contact order and being unable to find employment.
I feared that the no-contact order issued in my bond would be continued during probation (rather than reduced to a no-harassment order), and therefore, I couldn’t return home for a year. None of my friends live in the same county as me anymore, so I couldn’t stay with a friend during probation. While I was able to live out-of-county on bond, I might not be able to do so on probation. If I were to stay with a friend in another county during probation, I fear that I would have to prove actual residency there, which would be hard – if not impossible – for me to do so – seeing as how I currently have no job and can’t own or rent my own home, don’t have any regular bills, etc.
I also greatly feared the probation condition that I would have to find employment. While I was glad that the condition said “Work faithfully at suitable employment INSOFAR AS MAY BE POSSIBLE,” and while my public defender said that I could attend school as an alternative, I’ve feared that a probation officer might not share the same view – and insist that I find work – and would then violate me despite my best efforts to find work. I’ve feared that my probation would be extended indefinitely until I found work, and I’ve doubted that I would, so I would be on probation for years until I finally spent the maximum time in jail for my offense after being locked up for numerous probation violations. But I fear that, by then, my family might be gone, and I would end up facing homelessness – and would go back to jail on another charge.
Recently, I had been more at ease about my case. Both my public defender and the victim advocate said that I would be allowed to return home as long as I didn’t have violent or harassing contact, and early yesterday morning, after looking at other cases with as many as 4-5 probation violations online, it didn’t seem that most of the sentences were extended. So I finally started to feel more at ease about probation. I started to think that maybe I wouldn’t be on probation forever.
But then, only hours later, I began worrying about probation again – for a much more serious reason, which I had put to bed long ago. Yesterday, I went to a calendar call and entered the courtroom as the judge was sentencing someone. Unfortunately, I don’t know the details of the case, but it seemed that the person might have been sentenced for drugs and/or shoplifting. The judge said that the person was to have no contact with Walmart – and then ordered him to be taken into custody.
That spooked the hell out of me. I was under the impression that, for misdemeanor violence cases, the courts might be able to only issue no harassment orders as a probation condition. I thought this because, on my sentence recommendation sheet, there were several sentencing options available – many of which weren’t applicable to my case, so I assumed that it was a standard sheet used in all misdemeanor cases. “No violent or harassing contact” was the only option that I saw. So why the judge issued a seemingly total “no-contact” order baffled me. Maybe the judge was just speaking simply – or maybe there was another sheet used for sentencing shoplifters (which I suspected he was since he was to have no contact with Walmart). But, after doing some research, I didn’t think that there were necessarily any different sentencing sheets. The judge issued a total no-contact order against a person even though it wasn’t an option on the sentencing sheet.
That made me fear that, even though the public defender and victim advocate said that I could return home as long as I was non-violent, the judge might issue a total no-contact order against me, anyway, and then, I would be flat-out screwed because, as I said, I have nowhere else to stay in the sentencing county, and if I stayed with friends, then I might have to prove actual residency there during probation. Granted, I don’t actually know that any of this is true, but I’m paranoid because, since I have no income, I’m helpless. I’d be forced into homelessness or violating probation, and I’d have to go to jail – the one place that I never wanted to return.
Ever since that calendar call yesterday morning, I’ve been worried that my probation would be tougher than I anticipated. Although I had kept suicide as an option for the distant future, I realized that, in order to avoid problems with the court, I might have to commit suicide much earlier – potentially within weeks or months. Worst of all is that I have many stories, drawings, and other projects that are unfinished, and thanks to this court case, I might not be able to finish them.
I don’t want to commit suicide, but I am prepared to do so if necessary – as much as I would hate it. I did not want my life to turn to this, but my life was ruined the minute that I was arrested.
To summarize, the main reasons why I am open to suicide are my fears of homelessness and jail. On the other hand, I have other issues that are secondary reasons for committing suicide. They include my lack of ability to find work, my short stature and baby face, my ugly teeth, and my horrible body acne (which I’ve had for almost 13 years and has recently started to spread to my arms and legs of all places).
Maybe if I commit suicide, I can be reborn as someone who is employable, and I can get rid of my crappy body and be reborn in one actually strong enough to resist acne.
I’m not impulsive, but I will commit suicide if I have to in order to avoid harassment from the court. It’s like euthanizing an old, dying dog. Why not put it out of its misery while it’s still relatively healthy – than wait until it’s so miserable that it can’t die in happiness? Still, I want to avoid suicide and hope that my situation works out.
About a year ago I lost a job I was with six years…that’s around the time I lost my fiancé of 6 years. It was mainly due to depression and really stupid choices. I never cheated on her but I guess I was kind of a mean drunk. I found new work but couldn’t hack it there and ended up leaving and getting buried in credit card debt. I still haven’t been able to get out. I was with a job the last couple months that I really thought I could make work. Mostly due to my depression I started to despise it. Found myself quitting today and at the middle of the day making out with a stripper at a strip club. So disgusted with my choices right now. I really see no way of turning things around and really leaning towards killing myself. Think it needs to be tomorrow.
Weekends are the worst, I use to come home and cry, now i just lay in the bed and the strangest part is my mind is blank, no thoughts, my eyes open and i just lay here while the world goes about itself, im becoming numb, lonelieness in all honesty the worst feeling in the entire only, its similar too that of losing someone or something you love, its a feeling of utter hoplessness, im scared to death i may never be happy again, i’ll never meet someone who loves me, i’ll never have a normal social life,
I went to the mall today like always in hopes of meeting someone to hang out with, eventually i always end up leaving i can only be surround by people for a little bit before i realize im going home alone again and at that point my mood changes from optimistic to hopeless, i dont have a social cricle of guys and girls where i can meet people, im a good looking, in my late 20s, im in good shape, i make sure to dress nice, im always shaved and smell nice, yet here i am, i have a job, yet i spend majority of my time alone, i work nights and even at work im alone but thats just because thats kind of work it is, work alone, free time alone, only interaction i have is when my mom wants something, i have no one to share interests with, no one to vent too, no to send me text to say hi, the pleasurable parts of my brain rarely get stimulated, its been like this a full year now, only reason i look forward too tommorow is that it may all change, maybe id meet that person who can save me from myself, but the day always ends the same, nothing changes, i never find that person or group of people, ive lost interest in entertaining myself, i use to read, watch movies, play video, but what for!! Im going through life fucken alone!
Before being alone for this entire year i was with someone for 3 years, that did work out no ones fault it just wasnt meant to be, before I had her I was alone for 3 years which i did not mind, i had real hope then, i was still young that things would get better, before those 3 years i was with someone who i thought was my BBF, I had her for 7 years, someone who over the course of 1 year become someone else and by the end the person I had met 7 years earlier was gone, i dont know who dumped me but it wasnt the girl i met.
The last 365 days ive thought a lot about the past 10 years, im coming to the conclusion that i’ll probobly never be happy, what bothers me the most is that i know what that feels like, i crave it so much every single day, the next time someone says i love you to me i’ll probobly start crying. Im scared as hell i might not be able to rid myself of the state of mind im currently in, it’ll definitly be the end of me if i cant.
Im so damaged by my family and all this isolation that id probobly fuck up any chance at happieness id get.
Im suffering from sever depression, sucidal thoughts, anxiety all the time, chances of meeting someone who would understand and accept in todays society are next to nill, people are so shallow and materialistic.
Its only halfway thru the day & I have already been in the work bathroom crying twice. !!! Not coping today at all. Will update after work. If I make that far. I hate mondays.
I ve crossed the border as I was afraid it would happen one day. Tried to work so hard on my exams but then everything went out of control. Couldn think, it was to painful, so I overmedicated in order to sleep. But when I woke up everything was still the same and thought I know my life has gotten a little better can t handle it anymore. So I guess that s more or less the end and it s a shame but as nothings works anymore, my life is even emptier as my death will.
Went back to my high school today for their spring musical. It’s been six years, and I still get emotional about that time in my life. The students did spectacular, indescribably so actually. I was so impressed. And then I had this moment, and it was almost like I could literally feel something shifting, breaking in my brain. It was all I could do to stand up or keep from crying. Good thing I had to leave early to get ready for work tonight. Six years, and so much has happened, and yet, I have made absolutely no progress. I really am so hopeless. Death, broken friendships, suicide attempts, a useless college degree, and years of nothingness. I’m just a ghost, seriously, it’s like I’m not even a person anymore. I saw several friends from high school, and I had nothing to show for my life. I couldn’t even come up with anything interesting about myself or my plans, because I don’t have any, unless they want to hear about my impending suicide. I thought, “this may be the last time I ever talk to this person, and I know it would barely faze them.” There is so much pain from all that I’ve lost, all the dead dreams, all the brightness that has been sucked out of my eyes. I remember graduating and feeling like I was on the brink of something transcendent. I really believed I was meant to do great things, and now, I’m can barely get out of bed. Guess I’ll pop a few more caffeine pills to get through work tonight. I feel like Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell, ha. I won’t get addicted, I don’t think. Except she went to freaking Berkley and probably did great things. I’m just a useless, invisible phantom. I haven’t felt so utterly hopeless for a while. I feel it often, but not like that. All the pain from my entire life hit me like a bulldozer, out of nowhere, and I really can’t think of a single person to talk to about it. I want to kill myself right now. I just want it to end, but right before mother’s day and my dad’s birthday is kind of a dick move. So, I’ll go to work, and sleep, and pretend endlessly.
As said before,I dont find it necessary to explain myself.3 gallons of water in 2 hours is the goal,and after further research I will be sitting in a small shower room with a pancho on to sweat out as much salt as possible,seeing as to my body is in no condition to run or work out.my injuries hold me far beyond that.after removing as much sweat from my body as possible i will set a timer for 2 hours and begin the process. Ill post again within 24 hours if it doesn’t work.
I am both of the above to the point that the best solution to every single problem I encounter seems to be to just kill myself. I have 7 hours of work due tomorrow and it is entirely because I didn’t start any of it until tonight. I am tired and all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up.
Hiya, hope everyone is doing ok today? And if not well, lets hope ur just doing…
I just finished work and after much soul searching have decided there is NOthing I can do about how others perceive me. I spent the last 18 or so hours wondering if my comments here on SP were good enough, closely followed by some things I said to work colleagues, and then the finalie was wondering why my fcuk face alcoholic father hasnt responded to calls or texts from me, after we not spoken for like 4 years. It’s retarded that I hate him yet for the last 39 years I been trying to get his freaking approval!!!
Its exhausting all this damn people pleasing. Even to strangers on the street I want them to think highly of me.
And im starting to think I cant say NO. If someone is asking me to do something im already saying yes before they say when it is!!
Its a serious problem. The people in my life know what im like and im pretty sure they dont expect much, even though my intentions are good, I still hurt people when I commit to a thing and then not show up.
Im just ranting.
Anyway thanks for listening.
I have never admitted that to myself before.