i’m only sixteen. what the hell is wrong with me? honestly.
am i suppose to be happy? or at least the slightest bit content? everybody else seems to be. but perhaps that’s because they spend their time making fun of me. i can’t make friends, it’s hard for me. and if i do make “friends” they outcast me and make me feel bad and different. it’s like they’re only my friend so they can make fun of me really and make themselves feel better. my parents don’t believe me when i say i don’t have many friends. i think they’re In denial.
they don’t even believe i have anxiety. why else would i avoid social situations.
i work at a pool, i’m a lifegaurd, it’s my summer job. i don’t get paid much, i get $7.50 an hour, so a quarter over minimum wage. it’s not enough, $7.50 is not worth going through the worst shit anybody can put me through. i’m constantly teased because i’m not white like everybody else at the pool. i’m harassed because i’m not the smartest guy in the world and it might take awhile to figure stuff out. they just bully me all the time because i’m “an idiot” and other things they say really put me down.
I need help. I really want to die. it’s so much to do. i got busted for giving somebody OxyContin and then i have the stress of my favourite uncle getting divorced I just, I’m so sad. I’m tired of being sad. I want to be dead and I might as well be. my mum doesn’t believe in depressed. she’s so controlling, I literally have nobody to talk to. I usually cry myself to sleep, I’m just so upset. I’m so tired of being different and outcasted. i just want to end, nobody honestly cares about me and it’s really upsetting because nobody notices. nobody cares.
5 comments
Lifeguard isn’t as bad as digging ditches or pulling concrete or “fry cook.”
And, wtf? Racism? Really? You must live in the south. I’m white and i can’t stand the way i see some white people treat non-whites. That said, i’ve seen contrary examples of that too… but i’ve also seen people of various races and mixes treat each other with due humane respect. Yes, even in the south. Not everyone is stuck in the 1950’s.
We’re all human here.
But stay away from that oxy stuff, it’s bad news. People can die from that stuff.
“But stay away from that oxy stuff, it’s bad news. People can die from that stuff.”
The irony of telling suicidal people to stay away from something because they could die from it. For some reason I imagine everyone on SP going out and trying to get as much oxy as they can as soon as they read that. This could kill me let me go get a bunch! lol
No… read the post again.
“i got busted for giving somebody OxyContin…” -OP
Do you see the problem?
Being suicidal isn’t a good excuse for getting someone else killed.
Some call this the planet of sorrows. Mike you’re 16, lotsa life ahead for ya out there. Being a teen is always hard. Hope you get hobbies where you can make friends, and new ones. Maybe a spiritual community of your liking. Buddhist, Christian whatever draws you, lots to check out. Bo Lozoff quoted a study that the meanest children in the world are in the US. The US has deep racist roots, teens are children, racism and ignorance are alive and well. Strength, what makes you strong? The inner strength. I suspect shame in your life. Counseling? I had a hellish childhood and was alcoholic and drug addicted at 15. when I finally sobered up at 23 and finally saw the world, it took me a long time to get over being white, seeing/learning all that white folks had done to others, just in this country! Being a spiritual being I say, find a spiritual path, take it inside of you, let it live and breathe through you, unto others, find that spiritual community.
Oxy? Everybody makes mistakes, Hopefully things won’t go to badly for you, and you can always turn things around. Maybe that uncle would be a good person to talk to. Keep sharing here.
Dear mikewbu,
My already bleeding and broken heart goes out to you to hear your story of suffering.
At 16, I was an outcast too, (bullied unrelentingly in high school) and had been all my life. At a very young age I felt like the abandoned, starving dogs that the evil neighborhood boys would pretend to be nice to and then abuse and kill them once they had them trapped. I was abused in every way, emotionally abandoned and unwanted by my family, and so I came to love solitude and all creatures broken or abandoned.
I’ve seen the horrible and vicious realities of racism first hand through my intimate relations, and friendships with beautiful people who just didn’t happen to have been born white or Christian (I’m a very outspoken atheist myself) since I was a child living in an impoverished area of Los Angeles. My present Beloved is an Egyptian Muslim musician, who is physically the most handsome combination of Arab, and African ancestry. And, it is just that which has caused and causes him terrible, as well as minor, difficulties here in Europe where we live.
But, please don’t give up yet, you are so young, and at one of the most terrible, confusing, and difficult points in life – adolescence.
If you want help and someone to talk to, therapy is a very good option.
If you can, try to find a dialectical behavioral therapist, as this therapy was designed by psychiatrists and therapists specifically working with, and trying to help those who are suicidal. It is statistically proven to have the highest, and most significant success at actually helping people like us, as well as those suffering from other, various and sundry mental torments. Cognitive therapy is second best, as far as actually showing statistical evidence of being effective. (If there was a DBT, or cognitive therapist here, I’d be in therapy right now.)
You are suffering, and you need help, at least give therapy a try before taking your own life. There was a time in my life, I only had a social worker at a free mental health clinic to talk and cry to once a week, but it felt good just to get things off my chest.
And, please know, you are not alone.