I am 44, single mum . . . With a darling vivacious 11 year old son . . . And we have lived with my mother since he was born. The idea was . . . .i had a great career ( did not really view my treatment resistant depression any more than someone managing diabetes) . . . And grew to know over the past 25 years that thoughts of suicide were not “me” … But just symptoms that I needed to go back tomy doc, get meds tweaked, “work my program”.
But but things have changed . . . I have been in an unpaid medical leave for 2 1/2 years and gone from helping to support our marvellous multigenerational household … To having cashed out all savings, RSPs, . . . And now having to work out getting gas money from my mom.
My son – who is a delight . . . Has special needs that his father dos not believe in. And despite 4 other professionals reporting his father for not giving his meds, for threatening to others to burn down my house, leaving him alone when he was too young, hitting him to the ground . . . To the ministry . . . No one on my son’ scare team understands why the ministry won’t help him or me.
And yes . . . Despite being divorced, I have been preparing with a family lawyer to go back to court to give my son the stability, medication and constancy he needs – while having a relationship with his Dad . . . It is going it take prob up to 6 months.
now my son has such severe meltdowns that he his self harming-or may accidentally hurt himself. (Hospitalization and 2 911 calls in the last 4 weeks)
through all this I am watching my elderly ( but very strong mother) worry herself to death. She already has other disabled grandsons . . . And now my lack of income is maxing out the line of credit on her house due to travel for the therapy my son needs etc . . . .and having to witness the suffering he doesn’t understand . .
And as I endured yet another round of abuse from my son’s Dad – just trying to fulfill my son’s request to go to Dad’s a night early . . . .
I am alone at home – and found out that the cough and fever that my son had … Well – had it.
In spades. And I wished I’d had this th out before I went to the hospital with a temp of 107….. I could take this way out . . .
My my life insurance policy will well provide for my mother . . . And since I am the thorn in his Father’s side . . . .who has no clutch between his brain and his mouth – and it is my son who is being torn in to pieces when I am not even pulling ( you’ll just have to trust me on that – my son’s school, therapist, psychologist, family doctor all recognize what I do and take to uphold his relationship with his Dad) …. Just the fact that I am here…. That I will advocate fir his special needs . . . Just further inflames his father, wears out me and my mother . . . And breaks my heart to see my son who desperately loves all of us . . . But since social workers got involved . . . (And developmentally) . . . Feels the need to be accepted and spend more time with his Dad – but is secure enough to have the meltdowns at home when he is sleep deprived, unmedicatediated, and now using the same language he used with me. I understand it all
And now I have a choice. I am home alone, with pneumonia (and I also have asthma). I could just choose to not take the antibiotics, stop drinking fluids . . . And that could be it.
My mother is now financially risking her retirement . . . .and family court may be another 6 months and up to $30000 (on top of the 17000) . . . . And the psychological damage my son may endure in the meantime . . . I can’t protect him from it.
“I can only be the best parent I can be when he is with me” …. Is what the professionals say. Ministry social workers say “you are the protective parent . . . And responsible fir his health and welfare 24/7 . . . Even when he is at Dad’s. And if you say you can’t …. We will take him from you.
My situation, which has no conluclusion, is damaging my mum – mentally, physically and financially. The situation that my son is in, where dad “blames me” when he was referred fir an autism assessment . . . And tells him that i am trying to poison him with prescribed medications, . . .
Even if I can hang in there . . . I still think my son will suffer massive casualties.
So – I don’t know what to do . . . . Except I believe this is a very rational decision. . . So long as I can have the strength to gi through with it . . . And without anyone knowing. I am not actively depressed . . . But I do feel that I am doing more damage than good but persevering. I may in the long term do better for my son and mother if I die. I know they will grieve . . . But it won’t even look like a suicide if I just don’t treat it. My life insurance will take care of them . . . .
And yes . . .my son would go to his Dad 100% …. but the damage that is being done just because I exist and that very existence in combination with his Dad’s undiagnosed very paranoid/ phobic mental health issues (not from me again) . . . .i think is worse in this Tween time.
If I let go that I cannot help the core of what my son needs, that I am unable to heal mentally to get back to work in part due to his Dad’s continuing paranoia and emotional abuse, and a Ministry system that only cares about physical bruises, while his other docs, psychologists say . . .we can’t help your son unless the Minisrty does something. And family court may take too long, bankrupt my mother . . . And in the meantime – maybe with the next meltdown, I won’t make it to the balcony in time and he jumps.
I can’t help my son
ruining my poor mother financially and emotionally as our hands are tied.
maybe pneumonia could set us all free.
and that it makes so much sense … It scares me. In the mornings when I wake with a fever of 107 …. I pray … Please take me now . . . I have done all I can . . . And this way I could do some good. Please take me.
And that will be my prayer again tonight as the fever waxes and wanes. I love my son so much . . . But “doing what is in his best interest” is hurting him when the Minisrty doesn’t care what his professionals say and the other parent just continues “the crazy” as my son’s psychologist says.
But as a nurse – I know I can’t share a word of this to anyone.
And I just had this thought tonight . . .
Just let nature take it’s course. I can’t help my som with his Dad, I am draining my mum financially & emotionally …. I could just let nature take it’s course.
Thank you for reading this.
5 comments
I’ve read your message in its entirety and I have to say, for what it’s worth, you’re a spectacular mother. Not everyone is willing to endure the tribulations that accompany the charge of raising a special needs child. He’s you’re son, and you love him, however you musn’t see your life insurance payout as the quintessential solution to the problems you’re facing. Right now, realistically, the money might help with the stressful financial situation present in your daily life. However, “leaving” so abruptly, especially when you’re the only pillar holding things together, isn’t a viable means forward in regards to your son and mother’s continued existence. Right now, they need you. I know it’s hard. Right now you probably need someone else to be strong for you, but be encouraged, the night is always darkest just before the dawn. If you died, your son would be forced to trudge through life without your guidance. Your mom, also, might be devastated by your death and fall into that same pit of depression. Be strong. There are people here that would like nothing more than to be the shoulder—the ear, you need when things seem out of control. If there are financial issues, please, look for a better paying jobs. Get rid of the “What could’ve been; What should’ve been” thoughts and set your sights on a better life for you and your family. I believe in you. I truly do.
Thank you Strife for your kind . . . And correct insights. 3 years ago I was a stressed, but very successfull mid nurse manager – making $90G a year . . . Ans was wore down by the expectations of 80h a week with my son in elementary school . . . And it all went sideways when his Dad hit him. I couldn’t work’, deal with Ministry (and the disappointment that a bruise wasn’t left)… Family court, and his Dad’s continuing emotional abuse of both my son and I . . . So I am on unpaid medical leave with LTD denied. But with the 9 levels of paranoia that his Dad has . . . And the lack of ability I have to not only protect my son . . . But that just the fact that I do make decisions (like – yes he gets meds for his severe ADHD & anxiety) . . . Even though I have the Gael right to . . . His Dad is still able to tear my sweet kid in two by using me as a doormat. If i were gone . . . Atleast some stressor would be removed. The life insurance with this pneumonia was just a bonus .. There are only two common demo tiaras in this awful situation fir my son. Me and his Dad. His Dad no doubt has mental illness that has not been diagnosed . . . .and me, I know my issues, seek treatment, but am sooooo tired of picking up the pieces, dodging having the headrests in the car thrown at my head, and having my precious son slowly being brainwashed that “Mommy is trying to poison you and take you away”. I just do not see an end to it . . . And the more his care team and I try to strategize to support my son, the more bizarre Dad becomes and takes it out on my son. So I was thinking last night . . What if I really stopped ? I am no where close to being well enough to return to work ( although to meet me you would never know it). Anything seems to make things worse fir my son because of his instability with his father . . . And in the meantime my poor mother is in this vortex with us. I am thankful in a very odd sort of way fir this site where I can say the things I am really feeling because I know I cannot say these things right now to my therapist or psychologist. Thank you for your kind words.
^ I agree with Strife. No son is better without her parents (in this case mother, since you give your all for him). Your mother would be even worse if you were to depart, and most likely she’d try to take care of your son, or the fight between you and your ex would continue between them instead (just a possibility, but that’s what usually happens). And you have to keep something else in mind, even if it’s not direct suicide your insurance company could investigate and deny your life insurance, since not taking your meds could be seen like indirect suicide and not an accident, or they could make it look like that in order to avoid cashing out.
As for your mother retirement, money can always be recovered later on (hopefully) and i’m pretty sure she’d prefer to have some retirement difficulties than to lose you.
In any case i ask you to think things through and consider those possibilities first, since as i said everything could turn into a far worse situation even if you have good intentions. I really hope everything turns out for the best, for your family and for you.
I dont know where you live but I have lived in places where if parents have a chld diagnosed with autsm and also has behavioral problems like trying to hurt himslef or others he or she could be placed in a group home for people with mental disabilitites and there are staff there 24/7 to look after and they have doctors to put them on meds and so forth. I worke in suh a facility in Oregon or 3 years and we saw a lot of improvement in the kids after time and parents are allowed to come visit the kids. If I were you I would call social services in your area and ask if there is something like that avalable.
Hi – thank you for your thoughts. My son has been referred for ASD screening . . . But his meltdowns are likely more due to his severe anxiety. Child services are involved, and do not consider that he does not get his medication from his Dad during an entire week – as a child protection issue. I am hoping the ASD diagnosis comes through because then there is money and resources to help my beautiful boy who is being used as an emotional football by his father (again – apparently emotion abuse of a child with ADHD and severe anxiety is not a child protection issue ). I would hope, if I were gone, it would relief some of whatever his paranoid Father’s anger and fears . . .