well, unfortunately, not a single soul truly cares about me. i need to understand that. that the only one who cares about me, is me.
I have friends traveling out of the country, going to the beach, road trips, enjoying summer and life, having summer romances, Having great summer jobs and internships. I am just here sitting on my ugly, single and fat ass sweating bad enough that its dripping down my thighs, with family drama all around, broke as hell cant find a summer job that will call me back for an interview, So I cant really travel anywhere, I am miserable as hell in my online summer classes to the point i want to jump out of my bedroom window. Someone please just put me out of my misery
It’s just too much and I just feel sorry for myself and I want it all to end. I want to see the sun shine again. It’s been so long since I sincerely smiled. It’s been way too damn long since I felt things I could understand, since I was genuinely happy. I don’t want to be who I am. I want these thoughts to stop. They’re just too loud. I miss the times when I was actually confident and didn’t hate myself so much, the times I wasn’t so body conscious, the times I didn’t criticize every single thing I do, the times I wasn’t such a fucking idiot. I want to go way back in time before the scars and ugly cuts. I want to rewind everything, before the anxiety I wish I felt as empty and emotionless as I do now…then maybe I wouldn’t have the anxiety. The thoughts started again and I want to mute them but I’m so damn weak and they’re too damn loud, I might just try to end it again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just disappointing everyone…probably piss everyone off too…
I’m screaming for help, I’m making it so obvious that I’m not OK and they said that they would understand me but they’re such liars…” It’s just a phase”, ”stop being so angsty”. ”You need to stop being so depressing”. I don’t know when I’m gonna end it but I can’t see anything past this year. You won’t have to deal with my crap anymore. You can spend more time and money on someone who actually deserves it. I’ve just wanted this for so long…but I’m probably just feeling sorry for myself…
I’m reaching out for help. But I can’t find any. Cutting gets worse than ever before. And this feeling of hopelessness and grief as well, my anger is out of control but my parents in contrast desperately to control every single thing in my life. I’m getting crazy here. I need to change my damn surrounding, buy there is no way I could…
I just found an article about a 13 years old boy that died close to where I live. The article was sketchy and seemed to be leaving too much out but had no trouble describing the boys mother holding his life less body rocking back and forth in the ditch. At first I thought maybe he got hit by a car….but the article would have just said that, why leave that out? I thought more on it, the kid killed himself. I found another article that confirmed it. The whole article was deeply disturbing as it described how the kids on the school bus saw the scene. It reminded me of a close friend who took his life in a violent fit of rage 7 years ago. In his driveway. I drove past the house to and from work and thought of it every single time. Now I’m back in it…. from reading an article.
In the long hallways
there’s talk of love and hate.
They look down on those
who don’t look ‘right’.
Always beating them down
with such bitterness and
There’s mobs of liars
and masked monsters.
Never knowing the world
In the long hallways
they’re all looking down
and she’s looking up.
The one single angel.
I’m not very sure why I made this account, but you all seem nice enough. I don’t have a bad life. I have loving parents, an annoying brother, and many friends that love and care about me. So it isn’t really fair for me to complain, right? But every single day is filled with anxiety and fear that I will do something wrong. I am a perfectionist and someone who worries a little bit too much. My hands are shaking as I type this because I fear that it will be something that I will regret starting for the rest of my life. Oh. How typical of me. I am such a melodramatic teenager. And I will admit that I am, because I am that. Does that make sense? I’m talking gibberish now. I just wish I were more confident, more willing to share what is on my mind. I wish I could raise my hand and respond confidently to the teacher’s question without making sure that I absolutely, one hundred percent, know the answer. I wish I could talk to that one boy that I like without worrying what he will think of me thirty years later when he looks back and doesn’t even remember me. I wish that I had the confidence to tell that one girl in my class that she is an absolute, stuck-up snob who really needs to learn when to shut up. All of these are little things. More importantly, I wish I could just be happy with what I have and not have this burning anxiety in me. Yes, I know. I know that people have it worse than me. I know that so many people would love to have my life. I know that I am ungrateful of what I have. But at the same time, when you already have everything, there is always the opportunity to sulk on the far too many things that you do have.
I lost my soulmate.
I loved her with all of my heart. We’ve known each other for five and a half years and we were best friends. It was an online relationship and we were young so we weren’t serious about it. But a few years ago we realized we could really make this work and so we tried. We stood by each other through thick and thin, through the stress of me having a job and graduating high school and everything. I felt like I had the perfect future because we promised each other we would go to the same college and work in the same field. We always talked about dreams we had and we talked every single day, we cammed on Skype everyday, we talked through all our troubles and problems. We cammed at night so it was like we fell asleep next to each other. We had our fair share of arguments and we both had problems with communication but we got through them and it made our relationship tougher. I felt like we could take on the world and prove everyone wrong, that long distance relationships can happen.
When I got closer to finishing my senior year, I realized that waiting until she graduated to even meet was a recipe for disaster and it would put unnecessary stress on our relationship and I wouldn’t risk that. I moved from my home in Florida to New York City, where my dad’s family resides, so that I could have the chance to visit my girlfriend quite a few times and bring some new life to our relationship. I registered for college and went and it was really expensive since it was out of state. One semester cost around $9000 and my Pell Grant didn’t cover all of it. I had to get the maximum amount of loans possible and even then I had some money left over I had to pay. And this was one for one semester. $18,000 a year for 4 years is a lot of money. My girlfriend said that when she graduated next year, we can go to a different school together, one that’s cheaper and she could get a free ride, and she would support me with my student debts. Needless to say, that made me really happy and I didn’t feel like shit about my debt anymore. I didn’t feel so locked in by money problems which I didn’t want because my mom only makes about $9.50 an hour, a high school dropout, and she always wanted me to not have the same money problems she has. I went to school, learning programming because I knew that it would be a valuable tool in the future and I could easily support my girlfriend and any family if we decide to have one in the future. I visited her for the first time and it was the happiest moment of my life. Meeting the woman you’ve loved for 5 years for the first time, being able to hug her and kiss her, is the best feeling in the world and it made me realize that staying loyal to her was all completely worth it. I was and am truly in love. It felt nice to be loved the same way back, to be able to stare into each other’s eyes lovingly, to be able to touch each other without flinching away. I visited her a second time after Christmas for New Years and we spent that week together. We kissed at midnight when 2016 started; we were a few seconds late because we were both rushing to get the apple cider into cups for everyone but it was still one of the most amazing kisses I could ever imagine and I felt like it was a guarantee that no matter how hard 2016 would be for us, we would stick together through thick and thin. Because isn’t that what it was supposed to signify? Later, we made ceramic plates and painted it together, and we engraved our names with a heart in between and we wrote 2016. She hung it up and it was the first art project we ever worked on together and we were both proud of it. When I had to leave, we were both sad and didn’t want to have to separate. Long distance relationships suck. I would give up everything in the world if it meant I could be there for her every day, just for a few seconds to be able to hug her, kiss her, tell her everything will be all right and I’m here for her. But I can only do that once every few months, if that.
When I got back home, I realized that I needed a job because of the new school semester. I couldn’t get one last semester because my schedule was 5 days a week because I registered on the last day but this time I could get a job. I looked online for jobs all the time, I applied to as many as I could. I never got called or emailed back. I went to a job fair and I felt like I did really well at the interview because I was steeling myself for it and I felt better than the other 300 kids who were there. My interviewer even said I did a really good job. I never got a call back. Every fast food restaurant didn’t want me. No stores wanted me. I resorted to Craigslist and I easily found interviews through there. I ended up getting 5 in 2 weeks. None of them called me back. They all wanted outgoing people but I’m not outgoing and I realized that no matter how much I try to fake it, I just don’t have that personality and they can tell. I started feeling worthless and useless because I couldn’t even get a job. My family started berating me every day about it even though I tried as hard as I could. My dad ended up telling me that I should’ve just stayed in Florida and that just broke me. My mom’s side of the family is mad at me for going to New York to be with a girl. My dad’s side of the family is mad at me for coming here and not having a job. My girlfriend told me it was all okay, she knew I was trying and she kept my head above the water. She helped me apply for jobs and look for some and I still never got any calls back. I end up using some of the only money I have to spend money on a Valentine’s day gift for her to show her how much I appreciate her. I buy her a bamboo plant that’s in the shape of a heart and some chocolate candy with a mug because she loves chocolate so much. I like writing and so I wrote romantic messages on both gifts and she loved it. All of that cost $80 but it was worth every penny. The year before I bought her a $130 giant teddy bear and she named it Charlie and she sleeps on him every day. I love doing romantic things and making her happy was my entire reason of being happy, of living and looking forward to the future. Because I knew that she loved me unconditionally and that she would get me through my hard times like we promised each other.
Then she left me. She told me she was unhappy and she wanted to be free. She told me she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. She said she didn’t have any feelings for me anymore. And I died inside. My heart, which was beating for her and lived just to make her happy, died. I failed yet again, in the most important job I ever had. She told me that she was never happy, she was unhappy inside the entire time. My heart, my life, my future fell away in the blink of an eye. I was completely lost. I am completely lost. I love every aspect of her. I love her personality most of all. No one is like her. I don’t want to settle for someone else. I don’t want to have to deal with regretting separating from her for the rest of my life. I always looked at other girls and just felt in my head, “My girlfriend is so much better.” I can’t change that. I can’t stop my love for her. She said that I manipulated her into staying with me but that was not the case. I’ve only had to convince her that our relationship would work out when she was having moments of doubt and we always came back to each other happy. When I was having moments of doubt, she did the same for me. She had an abusive stepdad who controlled and manipulated her mom in every single way possible so I personally think it’s clouding her judgement and I try to tell her that be she denies it and just associates me with that monster. Like I’m the bad guy who didn’t care what she wanted or thought. I’ve always told her that communication is key and that if she communicates, we can get through any problem. But she was too scared of telling me things like that because of what kind of reaction I would have. But it always ends up worse when she internalizes it for months until she tells me at the worst timing when she blows up, or I just find out on my own. I wish she could have trusted me more than that. Because I am not him. I wanted my girlfriend to be happy, to have the best possible future I could guarantee her, to be her constant companion and best friend. I still want that. I want to prove to her that I am not the manipulative monster she thinks I am. I want to prove to her that she can be happy if she just lets go of some of the wariness she has.
So, now. I’m jobless. I’m in a shitload of debt and counting. I’m loveless. I’m friendless. My entire family is pretty bothered by me. And they’re only going to be even more bothered when they see that my girlfriend left me. I still hold on to a small hope that she will come back. That hope is based on the fact that she’s stressed out because of Junior year and she’s always been really impulsive and anxious when she’s stressed out. I just want to help her through this time until she comes back to her senses. But now she’s mad at me because I get suicidal when I’m really upset. I think I have BPD so I need to get that checked out. She’s afraid of what I might do so she gets mad at me for having suicidal thoughts, and it just pushes me to have even more suicidal thoughts and behaviors. She doesn’t realize what she’s pushing me into. Whenever I get suicidal, she tells me to stop talking about it or she will just ignore me so I’m forced to internalize it. If I don’t get her back, I really honestly don’t want to live anymore. The only thing that has kept me from doing anything is my heart still reaching for her and trying to grasp her. That is my only hope. I don’t love anyone else and I refuse to love anyone else because no one is like her and no one is better than her. I don’t want to have to go through years of heartbreak and then an entire life wondering what could have been. I don’t want to have flashback memories every single minute of every single day of things we used to do together, because we did almost everything together. I don’t want to feel that pain every day because it wouldn’t go away. When bad things happen, I feel it forever. I don’t want to look at my television and remember, “Oh, she loved this show,” or ,”I remember she used to hum this theme song every time she heard it through my TV on Skype.” I don’t want to tear down the picture frames I have of her. I don’t want to tear down the poster she gave me or the other posters I bought of things that we used to watch together. All my favorite video games, we played together. We even programmed together. We used to cam together at nights and now it’s already really lonely. I have to just read books until I pass out from tiredness. Which also give me memories because I was reading a book she recommended me.
Every time I look up, I see something that reminds me of her, and I’m in pain. Everything on this computer brings me to tears. Every time I get a Skype notification, I have a fucked up feeling of both dread and hope but then it always turns out to disappointment. Every single time my phone vibrates I get really nervous. All of my online friends are friends with her. Even some of my friends from Florida are friends with her. It’s literally impossible to get rid of things that remind me of her and even if I did, my memory prevents me from forgetting and letting go. I don’t want to deal with this. If I totally lose this hope then I don’t think I will last long before I do something drastic. Losing everything in one fell swoop is too hard for me to deal with. I just want her back. I just want to make her happy. I just want my best friend and love back. If she gave me another chance, I would do every single thing in my power to make her happy. I would go to the ends of the earth to ensure that.
All I want is one more chance to prove to her that we are soulmates.
This is my first post. I hope its not my last.
Hmm..well..its hard . Waking up every single day. Going to school. Coming back home. And going to bed again. Going to sleep , at night.. is scary. Because you know ,then you’ll have to wake up tomorrow. I just feel like im done. Not that i dont have anymore strength left .but that i have no will left.
Really got no reason to go through each day. I hate going to school. Sitting there, among the same people. And feeling disconnected. Meh. There’s just a friend, whose presence keeps me from giving in .gives me hope, that its not all that pointless.we dont really talk now. Its sad 🙁 i kinda love him. But my head doesnt want me to be happy i guess. Screwed up our thing ( ambivalence, and fear of intimacy probbly) i think i have bpd. Also i kinda need him (bear hug :/ ..anyone? ). But wont talk to him. I want to keep him away from this. Just wanna see him happy.he has a great smile btw 😉
I have lost interest in food. And pretty much everything.
I think, human beings are all stupid . And scared. We have created a world. Our world. On a scale comparable to our own size. To distract ourselves. From the realization that . We are all , purposeless. Pointless . Their is really no sense to it. We are random creatures. Born by chance. Without purpose. And maybe , there is this void inside of us. This realization of how insignificant human race is, that is too painfull to admit.and acknowledge. And to avoid that, people pretend like they matter. They form human relationships. To validate their existence. Trying to make sense out of it. Probably, people are scared. Or ignorant. What do you think?
God I was hoping I wouldn’t have to get this out, but it occupies my thoughts every single day so I have to do something about it. I suffer from social anxiety, which helps me on making friends (ha sarcasm) but I really want to meet new people, and I try SO hard.When I do try to strike up a conversation people just look at me weird and laugh! I’m even nice to people but they treat me like I’m garbage, or a mat to walk all over on.Why even try! I have a few friends, but they don’t know me. They don’t know what I like, what I do, or how I feel since they go on about their life and when I try to include myself they ignore the fact and not give a shit about me. Am I being selfish for wanting people to know of my existence?! I’ve just given up since I’m destined to die alone, I mean who’s really gonna miss a ugly,confused, teenager girl right? I’ll just make more room in this world for pretty popular girls if I do. Forgive me I’m being a loser like always.
Hello again. I’m glad that there were so many welcoming comments. I think I will start to post daily now, just to feel better. You know what I find funny? How open you can be with strangers. Often I throw out random hypothetical scenarios to people to see what they would say. “If there was a five grenades on the table and only one was live, what would it take to make you pull a single pin?” Often I would get answers like all the money in the world or all the knowledge in the world. When they would ask me I would say maybe a stick of gum or five dollars. They would ask me why so little and I would say “I don’t really have much to lose.” Of course they would laugh and write it off as a joke. Sometimes when people would ask me how I am doing I would say “Horrible. I want to kill myself.” The would chuckle and say “Same.” Often I would berate myself and say what a loser I am. They would just smile and think I was joking. I don’t blame them. How could they possibly know? I just find it funny how I could be so open and no one would be any the wiser. I don’t expect them to pick up on it by the way. Oddly being so open puts a bit of ease on myself. I can’t explain it, but something about telling a person that I’m suicidal and them not having any pity for me feels liberating. You know what I mean? I guess that’s the end of my post. Thanks for listening. Side note what does that rad sash next to some profile pics mean? Just curious.
- I feel like a proper idiot posting this but I don’t know where else to ask this and I know I’m going to get judged for it no matter what but I’ve been having really bad insecurity issues with my physical appearance. I feel like it’s the reason no one likes me, people judge so solely off of looks sometimes, is this why I’m single? Because I’m unattractive? It just fucking sucks and I hate the idea of plastic surgery but it might be the only thing I can do. I know, there are bigger problems, but this one has been getting at me the most. This is just a random picture of me, I usually only show half of my face because I absolutely hate the other side, it’s just worse looking
I know it’s not just me that has problems and I’m pretty sure my problems are so small in comparison to what other people have to go through every single day. That’s what makes me feel so guilty every time I cry at night about my life and my wish to just die and leave everything and everybody behind, especially those I love. That exact guilt is what stopped me when I tried to dehydrate myself and yet I still feel guilty, for betraying myself by not actually passively killing myself.
I’ve just started using this site so I’m not sure if anyone would know my story, but if you don’t here is the detailed you might need to understand the rest of my rant.
A year and three months ago, my lifelong best friend committed suicide. Since then, I have fallen into a multitude of bad habits, bad treatments, bad situations, bad moments, and really, just an overall bad life. All the friends I had left when she died. The only person I have right now is my boyfriend. Also, you might need to know I’m a cashier. Like I said, please excuse my rant and by no means do you have to read the garbage I create. If you do, thank you for doing so. Anywho, I’ll get on with my rant.
Please don’t ask me how I’m doing. All god damned day I will stand at my register and make simple conversation with those I check out just to make the day go faster. And every single person asks how I’m doing and every single time I respond with “I’m good!” yadda yadda. But in my head I always say “Well, I didn’t throw up this morning, I guess I’m decent” or “Well, sir or ma’am, I would just love to be dead right now.” And then, if family comes around or teachers or counselors or old friends who are bored talk to me, they always ask how I’m doing. I’m not okay!!! I haven’t been even near okay since she held a gun up to her head! Do you honestly think that a person who was so close to another that decided to blow her brains out is okay?? Tell me, are you stupid?
It has bothered me more how those around me that know my best friend died can ask such a stupid question. And to make it worse, when I say good, every single god damned one of them accept it like it’s true. And I know what you’rethinking right now. “Just tell them you’re not okay! Let out your feelings!” That is a much harder task to accomplish than percieved. If I were to tell my parents, my family that I have been trying to commit suicide, that I have turned to drugs, illegal activity, and horrible habits to handle her death, I would immediately be put in a psych ward. And maybe that’s best for me….maybe that’s where I belong. But I feel that that in itself is a contradiction. To open up to one, especially to that magnitude would require vulnerability. I would have to become vulnerable to those that ask such a silly question; and I feel those that ask that question do not want my vulnerability set on their shoulders. So, then, what is even the point of asking such a stupid question when one doesn’t care about the answer? Why does society like to put on a mask of caring and compassion when really, no one would give a shit if you were to say you were bleeding out on the inside?
Thank you strangers who ask the question to pass the time, but please, can we cut the shit and admit neither of us care about the other so there is no point to ask such a powerful question in a mediocre setting.
Been a long time again. In 25 days I will be in London looking for a job and stuff. Up till then I have nothing to do. Nothing. I have no job. I just workout. My days are so boring. Sometimes I walk my dog, I love him, he is so playful, he makes me happy and laugh.
On the suicide front I think I have made a progress. I think less, way less then before, but I still have thoughts. I have a scar, a scar deeper than every single scar added up into one big one in me and it is still on my mind sometimes. My tattoo reminds me not to do any stupid things, to move on with my life, but it also reminds me of the pain I feel inside.
When I was younger, I was also a lot happier, because I had no worries about what could happen next, I never thought that not paying attention in class leads me to being really dumb and unable to graduate and therefore find a job. Even if I do, for what? So I can just keep paying stupid bills and doing the absolute same thing every day just so I can live?
Every single stupid decision I ever made my life harder every passing day. Every single fucking one of them, I regret them and there’s no way I can go back and change them, it’s just too late, too late to say sorry to that one person who actually cared for me, too late to actually study and have a chance of having success in life, too late…
If everything in my life is so shit and so unfix-able, then why is it so hard for me to end it, why is it so hard for me to just jump off that one tall building, why is it so hard to just cut myself until I bleed to death, knowing it would just end it all and stop this struggle? Because there might be something way worse in the afterlife, because my next life (if it exists) will be even more shit? WHY?
Ok, for those of you who have been wondering, I was able to piece together the following timeline regarding sportsnut. If any of you know more than what I’ve found here, please share, so we can stop wondering/worrying.
On Easter Sunday, he sent email and text to some of us saying that he was thinking of ending it. The one he sent me arrived at about 5:30 eastern time. I didn’t end up logging in that day until about three hours later, so I didn’t get to respond when it was still new. I responded when I saw it, but he never answered.
Also on Easter, he left comments here: CLICK TO SEE POST
The comments said “Tonight’s my night” and “I will see you soon in heaven.”
Later that day, some of us became worried and speculated about what might have happened: CLICK TO SEE POST
We worried that Ylem might have also left us.
But the next day, on this post, we found that Ylem was still here, and sounded alarmed when she heard of SN’s absence: CLICK TO SEE POST
By Monday evening, he was still missing: CLICK TO SEE POST
My personal intuition keeps telling me that he’s ok and is just not logging in for some reason. Either the attempt failed, or something else happened.
(Disclaimer: My personal intuition is often wrong, which is probably why I’m single and suicidal in my 40’s).
I’m not ready to panic just yet.
I still think he may show up in a few days.
Again, if you’ve heard news, please share.
What do you do when you live in a world that requires you to have green paper with dead presidents stamped on it in order to survive?
What do you do when everyone around you has been brainwashed and conditioned to think the way society considers “normal?”
What do you do when you are the only one that notices that slavery never went away? For it has only been transformed.
What do you do when you can see exactly what people are thinking when they look at you, and have faces of disapproval when you do not meet their expectations?
What do you do when every one you’ve ever loved has turned on you in the coldest ways possible?
What do you do when you have a scar on your face that reminds you of the pain every single day?
What do you do when you have scars on your wrist that will never go away?
What do you do when no one has the ability to listen to your voice before trying to hear their own?
What do you do when you try to express your feelings but all the other person can do is think about their own?
What do you do when you’re a fatherless child in a world full of men who degrade women?
What do you do when you think about suicide, but the love of your mother is what holds you back?
What do you do?
This aint poetry. These are real questions. I need help.
I try to find answers everywhere.
And now, here I am.