Life goes on

This is going to be my first post in a while but ill try to keep things concise.

Im a guy aged 20 studying in university at the moment. Im writing this because last time I was here a few years back somebody told me that age old cliche things get better with time.. But im still waiting and the last few weeks have just gotten harder and harder.
I keep wanting to talk to someone but being from a not particularly close family ive sort of grown up never discussing feelings and problems, and when I try it feels too much like counselling again and just makes everything worse.

I remember I started getting really depressed at 14/15 during the ‘hormonal teen phase’. I mean dont get me wrong it sucked and still does but I thought it was just one of those things that can happen during this time and everything would get better on the other side.
But no my life got greyer I lost the few friends I had, I became more emotionally withdrawn and I started to self harm more and more for the just for the brief chance to feel something that wasn’t this crushing emptiness.

Im going to gloss over most of what happened in the next few years. Ive forbidden myself to think about any of it for too long but this is where things started to go horrendously wrong and as a result the self harm got worse and Illicit substances were abused.
I was thinking more and more about suicide, its strange… it sort of gave me a terrified comfort when things got really bad. Of course things got worse and all these coping techniques couldn’t stop it, I had nobody to talk to not even family so i decided to give up.
I took a load of prescription medication, cut myself pretty bad and broke down.
It was during this I realised the last thing to genuinely make me happy that i could remember was being accepted into this boarding house community and the house master, I realise it was his job but he supported me like nobody else had and if i went through with this it would ruin his reputation at the very least and the school.
So of course I panicked threw up all the remaining pills and tried to medicate my cuts as best I could but I was still punished for being stupid by being horrendously ill.

So I was forced into compulsory counselling or immediate suspension from the school (they saw me as a liability and cant risk a student harming themselves onsite) which was pretty awful and the doctors diagnosed me with clinical depression, and prescribed various medications.
Here is where I lost the last remaining shred of faith or whatever you want to call it in my family. Being from a half asian background weakness isn’t really a thing tolerated or thats how my family behave at least, and my dad didnt want to be the father of the failure son who was also on anti depressants. So me being under 18 at the time he refused to sign the medical papers and told me if i really needed them id have to be committed to a psychiatric unit away from the family.

And so that was that I couldn’t and didn’t want to feel anymore. For a short while I met someone, she was the most incredible person and quite literally breath-taking, she for a while brought me back from the edge and gave me a reason to feel alive again. It was the happiest id been in years, but she is studying miles away now and even though I desperately tried not to we drifted apart.
From then to now things haven’t improved but also haven’t yet got worse, ive just existed. Now even just doing that is becoming hard.

So much for keeping things concise, i feel sorry for anyone who actually read this writing is just another thing ive never been any good at. Even if nobody reads this or even cares this is the only place I think I can air my feelings without being judged too much
So yea… This is me and im still here.. Not that anyone cares