I have no idea why I feel so down all the time, why? My mum used to say when I was upset it was my age between 12 and 16 now I am 18 and I can’t seem to get out of this constant feeling of depression. I have attempted suicide in silly ways that didn’t even come close to working.. Then I for a while used to cut myself but in all honesty I think that was just a cry for help hoping somebody would notice as I was to scared to open up about my feelings to anyone. From when I turned 16 I don’t think I could honestly name the last time I was happy or felt safe or secure to talk about my opinions feelings freely without being judged or ridiculed.
I hate the feeling of knowing there are rules to everything in life I’m trapped within a social box where it would be ‘wrong’ to go against what others are doing and if you do your left singled out on your own. The feeling of insecurity, how no matter how hard you try there’s always someone one step in front doing better than you meaning you can never be the best at anything. Confused about what’s right and what’s wrong in the world an my own life. I feel like I need to get out of my own head for a while with all the negative thoughts circling it I feel like there’s no escape from the negativity or the harsh reality of life. I need out. That’s how I feel suicide would end all this.
It’s hard to put into words how I feel an have done for the last several years because I don’t completly understand it all myself my head is so confussed. I used to be terrified of dying or self inflicting pain but now I feel like it’s the only thing I have control over wither I take my own life or not wither I scar my own body or not. I can’t explain these feelings to anybody as they don’t understand no one gets it! Hopefully somebody does.