Hello everyone! Long time lurker, first time poster here. Just recently I finally came to terms with making that final decision. The blue prints and ground work has been laid out and completed, and it’s just a waiting game now. In the next couple weeks however I would love to hear from some of you here. It can be about yourself, me, anything. What was going through your mind when you finally came to terms with that decision?
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
26 comments
I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I will end up doing it. But I haven’t made all the plans yet. Do you find it calms you down to be making the plans, or does it make you tense?
What brought you to SP?
I just wanted to end the pain I felt most days, (and especially the aggravated pain in the nights) that no one believed I had to deal with. Of course I was sad to have to say goodbye to those few that I could love, but it just felt as if someone was trying to tell me that my time was up. I’m only still here because I missed my bus stop to the place I planned to end things actually! It’s only a netter of time now.
stabbyluffagus – making the final decision to go through with this is what brought here to finally make an account on the site.
Asura – I can certainly understand what you are saying. You said you missed a bus to go to a place to end it. You plan on jumping I would have to assume. Any reason you chose to go that way as opposed to other ways?
Actually it’s a little less straightforward than that 🙂 When I was younger there was this incredibly scenic and secluded area out in the fields not too far from where I live. I was just going to sit there for a while, make proper peace with everything and then slit my throat – or wrists, though that could be a while, thankfully I’d be in a place I loved. Thinking about it though there is a bridge close by too.
As far as going other ways, I can admit I’m scared of both the pain if I survive, and what happens when I’m found. At best I’d like to cause as little, conflict as possible in the and, and thinking too much on ways to go would only make me more likely to forgo my suicidal ventures, if only temporarily.
Well thank you for sharing. I am genuinely interested now. What else can you tell me about yourself and situation (only if you want to) but again I am genuinely interested. You can see my response to stabbyluffagus below if you would like more background on why I am here.
Well, I mean, if you don’t mind my asking, what has brought you to wanting to end it?
I don’t mind you asking that question at all…that’s what this site for after all I would think. At first glance I wouldn’t seem like the guy who would want to do this. I work a fairly decent job, I have fairly nice toys and somewhat of a social life on the weekends. Unfortunately, at the end of the day none of that really means anything to me. I’ve suffered from various mental illnesses my entire life. The past 3 years I have suffered from a chronic illness that looks like it may be permanent – this drastically reduces quality of life, just as much as mental illnesses if not more. I also can’t seem to be in long term relationships with anyone as my brain is just wired drastically different than your average person.
————–This is just scratching the surface, many more contributing factors. But ultimately, the choice is mine, the choice has been made and as I stated before its a waiting game now. People will be heartbroken, people will cry. Unfortunately this is about me. No one else in the world is me for 24/7/365, therefore they may not understand, and technically don’t need to understand. I’ll be on this site up until the end.
Ah, not trying to talk you out of it, that would be quite hypocritical of me. And the reason I asked if you didn’t mind me asking is because some people take a little why to become acclimated with others on SP before they feel comfortable sharing, granted you did say you were a lurker so I guess that point is mute. Well, it’s pretty great that you’ve come to terms with this decision. I know you said you’ll be around for a bit longer, but good luck.
Also would like to add that I have a lot of anger and bitterness to pretty much everything in today’s modern world. I was not built or wired for it. This is doesn’t mean I don’t find enjoyment in various things – because I do. But I’m disgusted with a lot of things I see and hear. Be it people, politics, the economy, culture, entertainment, workplace etc. anything.
I share that same disgust. I know how you feel.
Thank you for your interest! And that’s okay, I see no reason not to 🙂
There’s a fair bit I don’t remember, but I have early memories of corporate punishment that regularly crossed the line (with marks to prove it) emotional abuse in childhood and occasionally present day, and a generally fearful, chaotic, though somewhat pleasant upbringing.
I’ve also moved around a lot (16 times) and in school my work always followed the pattern of being stellar initially, and then burning out as time went on, much like my few, but intense relationships. I’m currently trying to at least come to a healthy close with an ex I hurt badly a long time ago.
I’ve learned through research over the years that I relate very much to BPD, almost to the T. I’m also an INFJ if that means anything to you.
Hmm, as far a recent things go, there have been technically two attempts, many razor cuts, and a loss of the person I’ve been closest to in what seems like my entire life.
I’ve also had to fight my parents so I can be mentally assessed through all if this, but I’m not sure if I’ll make it until then.
Hope that’s enough for you
Isa
And before I forget, my exam results are in tomorrow, and I know they will not be anywhere near good enough. So I’m afraid of what the future holds now, as my ability alone can’t guarantee anything, and it seems everything that’s happened to me in the past has finally caught up with me and is derailing everything I worked for. So yeah, that’s about it.
Interesting, thank you. I can relate to a bit of that, I moved around quite a bit growing up. Not quite 16 times, but probably around 9 or 10. Not sure what INFJ is, or maybe I just cant put words to the acronym. Do you think you’ll be around for a while still to come?
I hope you don’t mind my input. I’m not so great at giving advice but I’ve always been a commentator. (It’s also my first day here too).
My time in school was just like what you’re experiencing. There’s a great passion and lust for perfection in the beginning and then all that energy is slowly sucked from you as time wears on. It’s almost as if you realize somewhere in your mind that it’s a charade and you simply don’t have the energy to continue it. The only way I managed to graduate high school was through a virtual program where I had to cram months of work I’d ignored into the span of four days. I wouldn’t have gotten it done without my mom who did nearly half of them for me. I never did homework or school work either. It’s really a miracle I graduated at all. I also use to think I didn’t have the skills to get a job in anything but I ended up finding one that suits my lackadaisical lifestyle just fine. You could very well too.
I hope you manage to escape your parents one way or another. My grandparents were people very much like that so I know how frustrating it can be to be destroyed by your own flesh and blood – people who should be raising you up for christ’s sake. If it’s any consolation, I’m envious that you can take your own life. Whatever you decide to do, I’m rooting for you. You seem like a good person. I hope death gives you what you’re looking for.
Hey 🙂 it’s you! Not at all, I welcome your words of advice!
That’s almost exactly it. I once had a friend who went through this ‘can’t be assed’ phase and I thought she was the coolest thing ever. Unfortunately to an extent that stuck with me and has made my patterns worse. Though at one point I did forgo eating for five days in order to complete a piece of important work, so I can still do things, still – even then the end result wasn’t enough.
I can only dream of that. You’re the lucky one if you’ve found a job for you. Though it’s a small mercy considering how much more you have on your plate. One of my biggest fears is never doing that and not being self sufficient.
I’m sorry your grandparents are like that, but in a way I’m glad we share something in common – it’ll make things that much easier to bear. And it’s strange, but I don’t so much think of them as family anymore. I’ve emotionally distanced myself from them enough to consider them people I just live with – it hurts less that way.
I won’t lie to you, it makes me a little sad. A close friend who stopped me from killing myself twice, had told me never to do it again, because of how much she cared about me. We’re no longer friends because of me now, but I wish I could’ve kept to my word – I loved her to bits.
I’m no good person 🙂 I’ve hurt too many people to ever be considered that, but thank you so much for saying so. I appreciate that. You actually make me want to keep going. At least until I can’t help but feel overwhelmed, I promise to hold on just a little longer.
Isa
Pretty sure infj has something to do with an introverted personality?
It’s a personality type. I’m so untrustworthy of myself that I took the test right times and have researched extensively on the subject, to make sure, so I know that’s what it is.
Carl Jung and Myers Briggs are the original creators of the concept with the intent of categorising behaviours into personality types so people can better themselves whee the types are lacking. Sorry for the overt explanation!
@All But Over Now It’s a little complicated, the individual words stand for other psychological definitions that relate to parts of any given personality, but basically I’m in theory a sensitive, empathic person (or I was) to put it in it’s most basic terms.
And you’re very welcome!!
Where I used to live even the housing market was somewhat corrupt, and that compiled with my father’s financial recklessness which present day had had dire consequences, and a very well know family name in the country meant there was always someone who wanted something, and always someone out to steal.
Suicide for me is very impulsive, right now I feel to an extent that I still have reason to stay alive, while my occasional emotional episodes sway me considerably into wanting to die. Interestingly enough now in conjunction I want to die regardless of what unfinished business I have.
My being here depends primarily on how the events in my life from now play out, so I should at least have a week, but then again I could have a lot longer.
Sorry to ramble for so long..
Isa
No thats fine, always good to hear from others. Hence the purpose of this post. I have toyed with the idea of suicide for the first time back in 2007 for a period of maybe or a month or so. After that I had about a 3-month period of suicidal thoughts in early 2009. Then finally sporadically from last year (2013) to present day. However it wasn’t until recently when I actually really started thinking about it daily and have gone through the leg work to piece to together the plan and as I said, lay out of the foundation for the coming event in a couple weeks. Ultimately its really a decision you have to make with yourself, and frankly a really tough one. But now that I have, I feel as if some weight has actually been lifted off my shoulders. Strange feeling and hard to explain.
Of course 🙂 silly me!
I’m guessing your chronic illness played a large part in that. The only thing apologising can do is harm your state of acceptance, but I really am sorry all of this has happened to you, truly.
Ah, there’s absolutely no doubt your adamant about things, so I won’t begin to tell you to reconsider.
I envy that feeling though, it must be as if you don’t have to worry so much with a concrete foreseeable end on the horizon. And hearing you say that makes me a little more skeptical about doing it. Even if it’s an impulsive thing, I’ll think it over again. Thank you for your advice.
Yes, if you are not 100% sure on doing it, then for the love of god DONT DO IT! Chances are you still have a lot of considerations to make. But yeah…think long and hard. After all, this is the biggest decision of your life. Literally. This advice is for anyone reading here. If you are not 100%, then back away, do some thinking, talk to someone, etc. There seems to be a lot of good people on this site. Excellent place to start talking.
Duly noted – I don’t think there’s another person more qualified to take that advice from! Do you think you could say goodbye before you go? I feel childish to ask, but if it’s not too much of a toll, It’d be nice. I understand if you just want to straight up kick the bucket though, no worries
Of course I will, I’ll probably be around on here up until the time I go. If for whatever reason I decide not to, then i’ll be sure to share that here as well.
@All But Over Now Alright. I’ll hold you to that. I hope your remaining days are as lovely as they can be.
Isa
I haven’t made a final decision. Obviously, I’m still writing on this site. I know how I will do it. There is no set date, but I know when in my schedule to aim for and how I will prepare. I already have started preparing… I have talked myself out of it many times. There is only one person that has made me think twice. If it weren’t for this person, I wouldn’t be here right now. I know better than to think there are no other options. But, when I have tried other options without relief, there seems to be no other options. It is comforting in a way to know that this option is here. I guess in some ways it makes me sad, in another way I feel peace.