Don’t tell me the meaning of life is to live…If so what is living by your standards? What makes you go on every single day during every second. What does that make me if I can’t stand a second I breathe? A second I’m thinking?
I feel as if my existance isn’t a mistake, but out of place. Like I don’t belong in this time period. I know the world would keep moving for you if I were gone. I also feel that allot of this madness would stop as well. When I do think of the end I imagine silence.
For some reason I see a empty grassyy field where I can lay and not worry. I don’t have to shed a single tear for the wrong I see others do or the wrong I do beucase it doesn’t exist ! Al I get to do is sleep forever against the soft grass with the gentle breeze kissing my body every now and then.
What am I? Why do I feel like this? Why do I have to be the ‘weird one’ as they say and not except life? Why do I question everything?! Why do I need a meaning?
You know why my existance confuses me?
I have friends(I think) They love me, but I can see the confusion in their eyes whenever I try to open myself up to them. They don’t understand…I met one teacher that came close to making me see life, but he’s gone now.
I have family (but as always there are problems with the ‘rents)
I have video games, music, movies and anime to live for right? (Anime touched my heart to much I had to stop)
Of course I’m not the pretties girl alive, so that has always bothered me that I couldn’t be atleast decent.
Those things arent what bother me the most though! What bothers me is the fact that I think dieing would be a relief! Like I’d be set free from whatever is inside me and or whatever I am. I’ve asked if it was possible to euthanize a human (Reason: I had to put my first pet down this year…he passed away so peacefully I was jealous… I wanted to trade my soul for his) by my parents just shrugged it off like it was nothing.
I know lifes a ***** and then we die, but…then why live? Why do some people have to go through such a painful experience while others experience joy? I know there are people worst off than me, and I hate that! My teacher told me that I couldn’t spend life worrying about other people that I don’t even know….but I always thought ‘Then who will?’…
If I could give up my soul for all this pain to stop I would…All I want is a legit reason to go on and fight the pain. What do I gain in the end? Peace of mind? True happiness? Is life really just a giant ass mystery that torments me to question it?
Have you ever stopped and looked at your hands then freaked out? You freaked out because it’s real…everything is real and you don’t know why this even exsists? You actually start to see outside of your body almost as if your wondering if others think the same way.
I freak out allot when I zone out…Sometimes I think I’m close to finding out the truth…Then something inside me tells me that we are nothing but walking coffins. I don’t want to think like this, but I can’t change it…I believe I’m bipolar because I’m not usually like this. Sure I think like this deep down, but the other me is confused at why this side of me is like this.
My other side needs a meaning to accept the other side if that makes sense?
(My other side is the joker, not literally, but somewhat. I love jokes so I like to have a good laugh)
Do I need to see a doctor?
This is my first time venting like this to an open audience…I just read allot of your stories, so I figured this would be no different.
13 comments
I understand exactly what you’re going through. And I can completely relate to most if not all of what you said. And you are different. Not weird, at least not I na bad way. You’re a unique and beautiful person and if other people can’t see that, they’ll just be blind to your brilliance for the rest of their life.
Why do we live? I don’t know about everyone in general but I live so I can meet beautiful people like you, try to befriend them and maybe even help. I live because if I can brighten even one person’s day, my own will shine brighter than the sun.
And please, keep venting. I promise I’ll listen and understand even if others might not. :]
I’ve seen a few of yours and others responses to stories! Admire you all a 100% because I have a hard time opening my mouth(or typing) to others somtimes if they don’t speak first to me. It makes me queasy as if I’ll cause them to freak or somethin.
I thank you though! My friends say they listen, but I never get this type of response or I just don’t bother to tell them. I prefer to listen, so this venting felt suprisingly good! I’m glad you admitted I’m different and weird in a not bad way ^_^.
Your name made me laugh for a sec…Therefore I must ask if you are lieing to me? If so…how many have you told? o.o
And you can relate..? How so?
Ahh, yes the name thing. My name is amaskoflies because I was raised in such a way so as to protect myself from the harsh cruel world, I built a figurative mask composed of lies (I’m alright, I’m not suicidal, I don’t mind that each and every person seems to think that in an annoying freak). But no, I would never lie to you or anyone else unless absolutely necessary. And I would never lie to someone about a personality trait of theirs. And I would never ever talk about your business to other people.
And I can relate to basically all of it except for the anime.
Every other day I look in the mirror and I have a mini panic attack because I literally can not recognize the person staring back. And some days like today, I glance at my fingertips and I purpose avoid looking at them becaude they seem too real.
Also I have another half to me, a shadow of sorts. He’s cruel and manipulative but blatantly honest and he takes care of me. He’s quite possibly my only friend in the world.
Oh and I find it easier to type messages and comments than to actually talk to people.
For some life has ‘meaning’… Whatever that means… Usually means getting a job, going to college, make money, get married, have kids… Work for the next 40 or more years. Society seems to define the meaning of life. Life does not need to have meaning. None of us asked to be born anyway. I always hear people saying ‘you need a goal in life, a purpose in life, a meaning in life, something to work towards in life’. And if i say ‘i didn’t ask to be born. I don’t care. Why do i need to feel a certain way?’ i would get judged for sure…
They’d probably look at you stupid as if you should be prancing around the street grateful for life. Shouting praises and thank you’s all up at the sky. I’ve always thought of it like an achievement or a level up. They’ve reached the level and or unlocked the power to where they are content with their life as if the thought of not existing doesn’t comprehend at all. They refuse to see the big picture and or understand others picture. I thought I wanted to unlock that achievment, but now I’m not so sure. It seems to make them almost slefish? I’ve seen some people that aren’t selfish and love life, but you can almost see the lie in their eyes you know…like something is clearly wrong with them. Or maybe I just refuse to believe they’ve reached that goal and arent selfish.
Alot are pretending to love life, they don’t really, but if they tell someone they know they will be judged so they just keep it inside them
All of the deep thinkers and spiritual leaders have asked the same questions you ask. It’s not an easy life for ‘real’ persons. I wish I had answers. I don’t. But you are most definitely not alone.
Thank you ^_^!
Many times, I believe that I come from another world, a more evolved world. Life would be so much better if humans would cooperate rather than complete, share instead of hoard, love instead of envy or hate. Some do, but many don’t.
I meant to write cooperate, rather than compete (not complete). I would imagine you realized that.
BTW, I’m not religious, simply practical.
In my worldview, all the folks on SP have already accomplished a wonderful feat: breaking through the illusion that the capitalist-military-industrial-advertising machine has created… This is no small task… Most people are so totally consumed by this that they cannot allow these things to be true or their reality will shatter into dust, and they will crack up… So, i want to congratulate each of you on acheiving this position of evolution… Indeed, you are the new seers, the early evolvers, and naturally, this is extremely stressful and the fact that you are all hanging in there says volumes… We cannot expect the others to be so brave, nor push them too hard, but must have compassion for them… And love each other, because we are all we will ever have, which for me is all i need…. Thank you all, you have helped me beyond your knowing… I love you
Me too. I so admire all those on this site who see through the vacuous quality of present life on Earth. To whomever wrote ‘Before You Go,’ Thank you. I’ve felt this way all my life and no one before has validated me. Thank you.