Just now getting the chance to read your comments and they were very very beneficial to my circumstances, I feel that I need to do it for some reason. I guess to prove a point that just resulted in me throwing up in two of my classes. This website has been a safety net for me since I first found it, even though I just started posting on it. Ive been up here for a while, just lurking in the shadows but it feels like I actuallly have a voice and people take the time to listen to what I have to say. Even though the odds of us all meeting are very much slim, I consider you my family. You take the time to reach out to each other and to try understanding what the person next to you is going through. If only people in the real world were actually like this instead of just through an computer screen or phone screen. I love you all.
Tag:
living
I find myself back here again. It had been a while, and I had been happy for the first time since childhood. But now, here I am again, and the loneliness, and the feelings of the inability to connect with people that I’ve spent so much wonderful time with, the social anxiety as I fumble and stumble over my own words and just sigh in exasperation in my self involvement. I hate my narcissism. Talking about myself disgusts me, and I find it very saddening. I had gone on a date tonight. She and I had had wonderful dates before, but tonight, I felt the weight of emptiness upon me, and as it bowed my shoulders, I sank closer and closer to my beer, ignoring her smile, the light caress of her feet upon my leg, the indirect way she asked me to come with her. It was the shortest date we had. I don’t know if I want to have another. I feel like I’m repeating myself when I talk to her, I ask stupid and asinine questions, go over the same stories. I enjoy her company, and I think that she’s beautiful, but I also know that she and I aren’t looking for some townie romance. And now I find myself toying with the idea of blowing my brains out. I know I could do it, and not be found, write a letter saying that I ran off into the mountains, which wouldn’t be a whole lie, and would make sure that my mother, brothers, friends, and other family members wouldn’t feel the sadness nor guilt nor anger at me. But in all honesty, I’ve had these feelings before, and I know that what I need most is to see her again, and what I need most is to talk to her, and to make her smile, and to go ice skating, and to get some sleep, and to eat something. Tomorrow is election day, should be interesting, I want to see who wins at the very least.
I was bullied since elementary school,because im ugly,i’ve got a big nose and people make fun of it and I really hate it. I wanted to get a job so I could have a rhino plasty,but I didn’t get the job I wanted and other jobs are not really fit for me. All of my friends have a good life,have boyfriends and I got nothing,only my big nose. I hate myself and I feel like im not worth it. I feel like I can’t do this anymore, I tried to talk to my sister about rhino plasty but she said I souldn’t care what other people think. She can’t understand it because she has a normal life and boyfriend…
I’m so sick of living my life
I’m so sick of hating myself.. I just want to be in peace.
So hopefully soon the voices inside my head will shut the fck up
I can’t go on living this life anymore. But I also can’t leave. If I died, no one would miss me, but then my parents would divorce. They already were going to when I went off to college. I’d just be speeding up the process, but if that happened, I don’t know how my dad would live. He doesn’t have a great job, no one to live with, and I’m worried. My mom has people to go to and can earn enough money. But there is also the chance that she might commit suicide as well.
All I want is an escape from this world. Is that so hard to ask for?
I’m pulling the plug in 9 days and to be honest, not entirely regretting it. This is the first time I’ve had control over anything and it’s nice. I mean, it sucks, but in the end, maybe this is for the best. For me. For everyone . Because this is not a disease. This is a result of just not feeling anything but pain. Pain that no one should have to endure.
I searched for 6 years for someone who cared. It took me maybe a month to drive her away. If I could just have one thing before I die, I just want to hear her voice one more time. The light that I put out for good. Why is it that I have to deal with is? I feel numb I can’t come to life I feel like I’m frozen in time living in a world so cold wasting away living in a shell with no soul. Counting the days since you’ve gone away from me. I’m too young to lose my soul, I’m too young to feel this old. I’m so alone I’m left behind I feel like I’m losing my mind. (World So Cold – TDG) I will get what I deserve and leave everyone alone once and for all. Perfect, now it is just a waiting game. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.
I don’t have any more words left in me.
Even though I prefer solitude, I feel so alone.
I enjoy solitude over anything as It’s the closest thing to being free from my anxieties as I can be. But everyday things are just being taken from me. I already know my future won’t be any different then how it is today.
Knowing it’s impossible for me to be in a relationship makes me feel so empty.
I know I can’t start a family or live a life with someone. I don’t want that but just knowing I can’t have it makes me feel less motivated.
If the reason people live is for the satisfaction of their choices and I receive none, what am I supposed to do.
Everyone expects me to just suck it up and live life like the rest of the world. And I understand where they’re coming from but if I can’t find self satisfaction and I’m just living for the sakes of others, would’nt that just be living by the definition. I don’t have a future, people can’t see what I see. I’m the only person who knows who I am and will be.
I don’t want to live, it’s more of a rational choice than a hate the world perspective. I don’t believe it’s worth it, and I will not wait decades to prove it.
These words are the only slight proof of my real self existing, the person no one has seen or heard. I am alone but that’s the best fit for me, I just want some sleep.
I diagnosed myself to be a schizoid, but due to self-diagnosis, people may laugh it off, but I know myself very well.
I have no desire to live, or to die. I see no real meaning to continue living. Everyone has to die, isn’t it? It also seems to be the quicker way to get rid of the boredom I have had all my life. Though my circumstances are just as bad as any other suicidal person, I have no real emotional attachment to anything in life. I live alone in Japan, though I was not raised here, hence I don’t even speak japanese.
There is no alternate way for me, I have used up my savings to prepare for this, I can’t get a job without knowing the language. My parents brought me here a year ago to work and went back to their country. I have no attachments or whatever. Even if I can’t kill myself, starvation will kill me.
For those who want to reply to this post, answer me this:
What actually is the meaning of living? Why do you need to live, knowing that you will die, whether you want to or not.
I breathe, I cry, I disappear,
breathless, stoic, forever here,
heart echoing, thundering,
cold and scared
I swear it’s living
I swear it’s beating
I swear it’s working
I swear, I swear, I swear,if it hurts, it’s there
it is and has to be
an ache isn’t where it used to be
just give me time
and why and where
I’ll be good
I’ll be better
I’ll be fine
I swear, I swear, I swear,
I don’t want to try and fight this shit anymore. Its funny because this thought never goes away. It lessens. Well today its a little stronger than normal. Its been building. Festering probably going to morph into an alternative better version of me. The sad thing is that I doubt anyone would be able to tell the difference. They would like “her” more. I’m being consumed by my own demons. I gave up on trying to fight them long ago. I’m fucked for however long I live. I’m stuck living, failed at taking my life and a whole bunch of other shit. I can’t even have a normal day where I don’t either hate myself and want to claw every organ out of my body or wish that everyone else would die. So you see my mind is a very complex place to be. Not to make living worst for me, oh Satan forbid it gets any better but what would you do if your territory, If your home got invaded for good? That you signed up for one thing and ended up with something else? See its human nature to either adapt and change or to whine about it. I did both but there is only so much changing that one could do. There is only so much that someone can take before they snap. I’m close to that breaking point. I’ve been keeping it controlled for as long as possible but alas it was all in vain. My second home, my sanctuary has and is being contaminated as I’m typing this. I don’t get any say. There is no longer a Nirvana. If there is one, I find it amonst strangers for briefs amount of time. Just someone to talk to without me having to feel like the burden that everyone likes to point out to me as if I already didn’t know. But hey its cool. I mean if I died right now who would honestly give a shit? Not a fucking one. I mean sure you have your pretenders who talk shit behind your back but hang out with you and are nice to your face? Yep, that’s how everyone is towards me I think. Well I’ll keep you guys posted on my lame life rants. Into Oblivion I go.
FANTASY STORY
art? not real. don’t shoot! I’m naked!
– amigo english not my numero uno tongue, sorry for any bad cooking mistakes! –
WARNING SHITTY STORY AND EVEN SHITTIER SHITTING SCENE.
I send my girlfriend to a 7 day vacation out of town.
I need some time for myself to deal with my emotions and depression and possible something else,
I will stay home while she is gone. And take a friend with you, don’t go alone, will even cover some cost
for her or him I say to my girl, she smiles too me and agrees to it, few days later, its time!
she has left the house and drove off to pick up the friend and back on the road to her 7 day paradise she goes!
I immediately rush inside the house, pick up the brown box in living room and take it outside the house,
open it and take out the festive signs “WELCOME HOME” “LOVE YOU” “YOU&ME” and cover the
front of the house with them, another look inside the box, some xmas lights and balloons, throw them around
the front doors and above the windows. After that is done, time to bake a cake! sweet cake, and decorate the living room too.
Hey darling, before she opened the car doors I say to her, I will text you everyday 1 message, just to let you know,
how I’m doing and how is my day, don’t call me back or text me, I need some time for myself and my thoughts ok?
Sure I love you too, and a kiss I got and she was in the car, and gone.
I already know which friend she will take with her on this vacation, and this is why I plan all of this in the first place.
Its the one she is cheating on me for the past 2 months, or for longer which I can’t even know anymore out of all this lies she is telling me.
I take my phone, write 7 messages, 1 for each day, also include a photo in each one, the final message is with me baking a cake and that is the day
she will arrive home, on phone settings, I click the box with “auto send, on set time” and mark each text message accordingly.
I place the cake and a letter on the round table next to a chair, table is in the center of the living room. It took me some time to find the damn camera
and its battery and placed it in the corner of the room, then with tape I seal off the borders of windows and doors in living room, hang a rope
around the ceiling light cable so that the rope falls next to the table. Now the fun part! Eating! as much as possible! I have bought a lot of food in the store previous day just
for this occasion, and also a bottle of laxative.
The camera is on! so the eating can begin and half of laxative bottle with it. I drop the pants and shit all over the room, the chair, on tv, on floor. Then eat some more,
and puke all over the table, on the fire place, all around the room. place myself so I will not fall to the ground with the help of the rope, and splatter the brains on the ceiling,
and windows, and shorty after that, my guts bursted out on the table and that lovely warm carped on the ground next to the table, with help of some device.
She arrived on that seven day, home, after crazy fun with “friend” in hotel room for days. The shock ! The look on her face ! Pale white like a corpse she stood, even a rock would
envy her display of lifeless stillness, few minutes had passed, time on camera has revealed, she finally moved, by the smell of rotting corpse and feces, her white now changed
to green and her stillness to shaking body. She approached the table, sit on the chair next to my body, and like an automated robot, reached for the letter next to the spoiled cake.
– I place my hand on your shoulder now, look me in the eyes, and you will receive a warm smile from me and my heart and my love and my time, and take a really good look,
what you have done to me!
NOW BLOW THE CANDLE ALREADY!
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN ONLY WISH FOR ONE THING!
HEY I’M TALKING TO YOU!
In that moment she brought me back to the table, and my mind,
I take a deep breath and blow the candle on the cake, that she baked for us and our anniversary.
The camera in the corner of the room, pointing at me, red light flashing, it’s recording.
She says, hey! whats wrong ? you seems so distant from me lately… I think I need to find a new boyfriend your getting no fun anymore!
My hand reached next to the cake, a knife, a move, right to her heart, and out on the other side!
Knife fell to the floor, I reached with my hand to touch her lips…
With window opened, and rain falling, cold breeze have woken me up from this nightmare and sleep!
I think my mind is going insane, who opened the window? It’s damn cold in my room, need to close the window.
Now back in my bad, it’s in the middle of the night, still shivering, turning over,
I see her, next to me!
she holds a cake and a knife!
…I couldn’t make him talk
HEY I’M TALKING TO YOU!
WHAT DID HE TELL YOU ABOUT ME?
Well Alive is a very, deceitful word. The first definition I could find for it on google states ‘of a person, animal, or plant) living, not dead.’ I couldn’t help but say think that is all i am right now. Right now I am barely breathing. I love the next definition of the word alive is ‘alert and active; animated.’, I am neither, I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. I am the complete opposite of animate. I am alive physically, spiritually my soul is dead. it is a soul that the devil is using as a rag.
The last time I posted I said I was going to die. I tried and it failed. I tried hanging myself, not from a tree. I read online about a short suspension hanging. I started and I kept on stopping it due to the will of the human body to survive. I later on tried drinking paraffin which only made me a little ill.
I fought with her. She painted a picture of me being a monster and self centered. Like I was a terrible friend. I remember dropping all of my problems whenever she was down. I remember I pushed to help. I wouldn’t rest until she was happy. I gave my heart to her. I was myself. I trusted her more than my own parents. She was my last glimpse of hope in this world and she took it away from me. I was told to go away. She gave me an ultimatum, stop being depressed or I walk. Not in those words but it was implied. I told her it doesn’t work like that. I know what you are going to say, you shouldn’t die because of her, I am not one to swear but shut the fuck up about that because that is a lie. In my moment of darkness she showed me a light of goodness in this God forsaken world. She wasn’t the reason of me wanting to die… she was the reason of me living. She showed me hope. She was the only thing that I found worth fighting for. Right now I have lost her, Right now my only hope in this world believes I am a monster.
I am breathing still but everything is a trigger. I almost started crying(real manly) while watching master chef and a movie of Steve jobs. I have 2 days till I have to go to work. I am going to see how I handle tomorrow. Right now there is nothing that can bring back this rag of a soul.
Everything in my life is gone. My partner, my friends and my work. Life is not really worth living. I feel so much pain, anxiety and will not living. I feel the end is near. I had it all and lost it all.
woild be nice to chat now and again support each other get to no Each other more help each other though the rough dark lonely nights i know it’s a living hell battling everyday but guy your a totally welcome to my email me any time if u got a problem need advice or some to unload of we can all help each other indigojones5@gmaildotcom
buenos noches love and light stay strong (hugs) hi5 il been on in a new days or so
Honestly, I’m just a stupid teenage girl who still has highschool to get through. I need to put on my big girl pants and just get through it. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be happy.
Suicide. I’ve thought about it, but I’ve always been too much a wimp to really try and end my life. In my opinion, the only scary part of trying to attempt suicide, is if you survive. But then again, that means you are alive for a reason. Maybe I’m scared because I have this hope that everything will be okay.
People say that “time heals everything,” but that, in all honestly, is complete bullshit. No, time does not heal everything. It’s what y o u choose to do in that time, that heals it all.
For me, there’s a difference between living and existing, more so breathing.
Living life is a lot of things. Living life isn’t just one thing. In life you can be hurt, happy, sad, angry, and much more. Feeling alive is great, I mean, at this point, I’m lowkey dead inside LOL.
The pain, the happiness, and just the feelings are what make me know I’m alive–living.
Existing, existing is how I feel sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like I’m there, you know?
Sometimes I feel like I’m just…just…I don’t know, a breathing thing. It’s complicated I guess.
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(Here’s something kind of off topic).
Something that intrigues me is observing people. When I go to school, I just observe everyone, without them noticing it. Seeing the way people act and speak are just so…fascinating. I guess psychology has always sparked something inside me. Learning about how the mind works or just why people think the way they think are just scintillating. I think there’s a deeper meaning behind everything. Also, I mean, people only know what you display. I could be smiling and laughing all the time, and people would think I’m okay. I could be crying and quiet all the time, and people would know I’m sad.
Sometimes I don’t really blame people for not asking why I’m not okay. I mean, it’s not really their fault.
People only know what you show.
And that’s the beauty of it.
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If any of you play league of legends, you should add me lol.
I appreciate your existence; I appreciate each and every one of you.
I’m tired of depression. It is all i know. I have no connection to anything. I want to die. Im tired of wanting to die but constantly living. Im tired of my brain. I’m tired of my loneliness. Im tired of inexplicably having everything i do here moderated. Im tired of having no identity or ability identify with anyone. I’m tired of being ugly. I’m tired of being fat. Im tired of whining. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of breathing. Im tired of annoying you all.
This is just a repeat of my usual tedious bullshit.
I don’t think I have it in me to live a worthwhile life. I can’t connect with anyone. Not really. The best I can do is to fake it (some of the time.) It stops me from ever really enjoying the moment. No matter where I go or what I do, I’m always dragging around this barrier in my mind, distancing me from everything.
So my life, in itself, is not worth living. I can’t be one of the happy, successful, functional people. No fun social life, no real friends, no partner, no kids, no fulfilling career etc. None of the significant moments that make up a meaningful life. I’m just here. Existing. Treading water. Stuck on the outside, watching, as everyone else gets on with building a life. Which feels unbearable.
If that’s how it is, then I suppose it makes sense to kill myself. All I’m doing by living is causing myself pain. I am something that it would be better did not exist.
Except that I’m fairly sure doing that would devastate my parents and my sister. I believe their lives are worthwhile. They don’t deserve that. And I don’t want to do it to them. I love them, in as much as I’m capable of caring about anyone but myself. Which would mean I need to protect them from how broken I really am, and try and maintain some sort of pretense of humanity for them.
I don’t know which is more significant: that who I am shouldn’t exist in principle, or that it should continue to exist for the sake of others, whose lives are worthwhile.
I’m also not sure how to go about such a pretense. How to contain all the self-hatred, anger, rage, regret, longing, sadness, loneliness, despair etc. I don’t know how you go about living with something like that. Other than various addictions, which become less and less effective over time.
How do you deal with being the sad, miserable loser who can’t be around people without them feeling awkward. I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to be this guy.
But I don’t know how to give the pretense of normalcy, while my mind is so full of shit.
Hey everybody how your morning so far .?
So I was sitting in cab going to a mall and I was playing spot the murder, rapist or pedo with myself. When I seen two kids running across the street laughing and man in his late 20s early 30s was just starring at them . At first I was like he’s a rapy pedo 12 points. But then when we drove past him and I got a good look at his face. There was Agony and sadness in his eyes. He was wishing to be young happy and laughing and not living the life he has . it took me off guard that I took so much Noticesto this one man. I took notice to nothing else because I actually felt a stranger agony just by looking at him. I became a scared to feel anything eles.
I hate the feeling I’m never living up to my full potential. My search for my gift haunts me. I excel in everything I do but at the end feeling unsuccessful, wanting more. What is my gift already, I should be more.
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