I am afraid

I’m losing my mind here. Recently, I have been expelled from the best school in Canada, all because of my ex girlfriend’s friend’s lies. We were walking out of my school, I was talking with my ex. Suddenly, my ex’s friend, let’s call her Sue, turns around, puts a pearl ring on, and threatens to punch me in the face with it. To scare her off, I showed her (nonthreateningly) my knife, closed, showing her the Shakespeare engraving on the handle. So my ex hauls her away, and the next day, I am suspended, and later expelled, because Sue fed the Assistant Principal some big scary load of bullshit about how I’ve been stalking my ex for months and how she was scared for my ex. This was complete bullshit (My ex and I were just about to give it another go), and I have the messages to prove it. But the admin wouldn’t fucking listen to me, and now I am pissed. Here is where the suicide bit comes in. Thank you, whoever read through the whole backstory, and I’m sorry it was so long, but that was the shortened version. Anyway, I have been wanting to kill Sue for over a month now. Every time I am alone, I think about her, how much she cost me. I lost everything. I was the leader in every club I was in (Debate Team and my coffee shop, and almost grad council). I want to kill the admin, for being such a biased *****. I want to kill my AP, for knowing what kind of person Sue is, and not backing me. I want to kill my ex, for not calling her ***** off. I want to kill my principal, for doing jack shit, and only seeing her school’s rep. Fuck their political game.

I want blood.

Too much blood.

I can see my mind beginning to slip. I mutter to myself sometimes, sometimes in two different personas, one calm and calculated, one riled. Kind of like voices in my head, but not. More like thoughts in dialogue form. Like reading your own poetry. I want to kill them all. I have thought of so many ways to do so. Like strangling the admin with a guitar string, to show her that non-obvious weapons can be used as weapons. Like the ring Sue threatened me with. With Sue, my mind drifts to such graphic things that I myself am scared.

I feel as thought I am too much of a loose cannon. At first, I thought it was just extreme anger and frustration at the injustice that was done to me. A vigilante mindset on a hormonal teen. But lately, I have been feeling worse and worse. Talking to myself more, not sleeping because I am to god damned pissed off at those bitches. Every time I am alone, or pick up my knife, I fantasize. But I am scared I might go off the handle.  Do something less than justified. I have always thought of myself as a protector. I have had dreams of myself killing, in order to protect the righteous

It’s funny, how that might happen in an unexpected way.

See, I have thought about suicide in the past. However, one thing always stopped me. My little sister. She’s 5 now, and she’s like a daughter to me. It’s weird, but it’s true. Not that she doesn’t have a dad, but I helped raise her. I remember her growing up until now. One time, I was really depressed, and she said something that set me off. Can’t remember what, but it hurt, so I hurried to my room because I didn’t want her to see me cry, to see me vulnerable. Couple minutes later, she comes into my room and tells me she appreciated me. I didn’t know she even knew that word, but she used it with such accuracy and sincerity that I cried and held her close.

Now, I think of what I might become. I would rather her grow up knowing that her big brother put himself down to protect others than for her to stop visiting me in prison out of shame that her brother can’t be there for her because he snapped because he’s a fucking psychopath.

I want to protect people. Maybe the best way to do that is to put myself down, before I do something stupid.