I don’t know what’s happening

I went through that with the food. It was when I first separated from my now ex. I dropped 20 pounds so quickly and am just now, three years later, beginning to get close to the weight I was at before (we were together 10 years, long story). Upside? Guys thought I was hot! Lol. Little did they know I just was very, very suicidal. Yes i had to force little bits of food down every day… I got down to a size zero. But I didnt want to starve to death, that sounds like a bad plan. I tried pills many times but it never worked.

Now? I oscillate between feeling better, but still have those days where I want to die. And in the past three years I have found a pretty much sure way. If I became obsessed with it again Im sure I would not fail at my next attempt (do not ask for details, i will not give out info like that to others, sorry).

I also lost all Interest in movies, TV, books. Just couldnt follow along and frankly, didnt care about the seemingly stupid and frivolous story lines. That has slowly gone away too.

I dont know what my future holds, but I hope I keep getting better. How will I feel in 3 more years? It sounds lihe a lifetime, but Ive been happy before and want to be so again.

But I am prone to “relapses,” where I think itll never really go away. Ill never really be happy. Why continue on? Idk.