I’m not sure

I started out in a hell hole. I was born to a family that was a mix of two. One brother from my mother and one from my father. The one that lived with us was James (names have been changed). I was two and james was 10. So, one day our parents up and left. James had to look after me for about a week I think. When they came back, they were mad. The mother threw me into a window. My brother tried to protect me and ended up getting all his fingers bent backwards for it. Next door heard the screaming and called the police. I was taken away but I still remember. It haunts my nightmares. I then had a stint in a foster home where I was mistreated on a daily basis. I went to a foster family, and was adopted when I was 5. Until year three (8 years old), Life was fine. Then the bullying started. Someone found out about my being adopted and decided to make fun. I was tripped, kicked, called names. My stuff was stolen. I contemplated suicide when I was nine. Then I left to go to another school but some of the problems followed. My teacher would bully instead. She would frame me for things. Tell me off for no reason. Never give me any recognition for the excellent and above average work I did. I left thinking the kids from my old school would have forgotten me. Boy was I wrong. It was worse. Plus, because I had left, I had lost my only friend. High school came and it was meant to be a new start. Wrong again. It was worse. I was frigid then a slut. A freak and an emo. A fag. Lesbian. A weirdo. When I was in year 10 (15) I got a boyfriend. He had some problems so I gave him a lot of slack. But that’s when he started to insult me every moment he could. Fat. Ugly. I shouldn’t wear that. I should do what he wants. He used to tell me that his perfect girl was a long straight blonde haired tanned fit girl. I has short curly brown hair, was curvy and had a bit of a paleness on the side. One event started me self harming. I had gone downstairs on his new years eve party to dance. I ran up the stairs after so we could carry on talking. When I got up, he wasn’t there. Then, my very most serious asthma attack hit. I crawled as far down the stairs as possible but collapsed. I managed to shout to him and said I really needed him. He put his head round and said ‘Can’t babe, i’m busy’. His family found me and got me into the room where he was playing fifa. FUCKING FIFA! I nearly needed to go to the hospital. That’s when I started cutting. Around that time too, my nanna was getting sick. He used to leave bruises all over me from being to rough, even when I would scream at him to stop. On the 5th of march I finally plucked up the strength to dump him. A few weeks before I had been attacked in class. A boy got his um ‘manhood’ out and backed me into a wall where he tried to make me touch it as about twenty people watched and laughed. After splitting with him, I had a major breakdown. I tried to kill myself in three ways. I tried hanging myself, pills and drowning. Non worked. I self harmed from a very long time in places no one could see. After graduating high school a felt a little better. I even got a boyfriend and friends. But, during the holidays, my nanna was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. It devastated me and my family. My boyfriend was just as depressed as me and he lied, he went out getting drunk and injured leaving me to worry. He never thought of my when he was away and had the audacity to say that we weren’t having a NORMAL relationship cos I only saw him once a week. In march then next year, after being very sick, my nanna passed. I had spent everyday in the hospital often missing meals. My uncle (her son) caused argument after argument treating my mum like shit and not helping nanna or us. He was only really staying around for the money from inheritance. On the day of her funeral, my boyfriend called and said I haven’t been treating him right, haven’t bothered with him and was making him upset. I know. Idiot. A few weeks lter he says he was only really going out with me cos he felt sorry for me and ended it. I ran out of college one day and ran to the park to either jump in the lake or hang myself from a tree. I had an asthma attack and my friends found me. I self harmed so bad. For two months. My mum and dad have been treating me shit for a while but that has calmed down. I have a new boyfriend. I have my friends… But i’m still self harming. I’m still suicidal. I was just sat crying again for an hour. I don’t think that I have enough heart left to heal but i’m trying. So hard. My boyfriend is helping me through. I hope that this helps or makes you realise something but i’m not saying it definitely will. Thank you for listening…