Errr-sorry about the unsupportive manner in which I was attempting to “help” the poor upstanding father to cope,just then…It was Tough Love..and I think it can be very effective if applied the right way….I really do love this site and honestly it helps me quite a bit. I dont want to get 86’d out of here,guys.
For some reason,that seems to happen to me wherever I go and fairly frequently.(???WHY???)I feel so persecuted sometimes.Prob because im so pretty..Yes,I think that must be it.Jealous and Unattractive people are behind this campaign of persecution:):);) (JK)
Seriously though,I cant stand homophobic people. Makes me get a bit nutty. Iv been laying in bed for a very long time,but that post really gave me a charge. But still- I dont want to get up.I dont want to leave th house.I DO feel like taking about 16 Benadryl tablets ,though and spacing out on Kaotic or BestGore. Its very annoying not having good drugs-im sure we can all agree on that. Maybe a Sacha Cohen film can shake me up a bit- I thought about just walking away from my life again yesterday ,which comes over me sometimes, but I cannot do it bc of my commitments…then I thought again about making a film and i made some more notes on that. I have so many good ideas,and I fear I will never do any…what do you do when youre paralyzed by your thoughts and emotions ?I thought about giving myself a fairly serious self injury recently-like a broken bone-,to break up the rut im stuck in…get some good drugs..lose a few pounds from th drugs killing my appetite….Yes,Thats really fucked up,but it crosses my mind quite a bit. Ugly ugly stuff ,all. I need to just get UP and live my life but I DONT FUCKING WANT TO.Im mad and sad because I didn’t get what I wanted and I dont want to participate any more. whaaaaa,what a big ninny I’ve become.FUCK .Should I check myself in to treatment for my depression? Can I learn to function better if I go into th crazy house? Im so paralyzed
44 comments
Did that dude delete his post? I never saw if he answered me …
Someone did…u think it was th site?
Im disappointed too.
I figure it was a troll,like several others did,but I put some damn funny stuff out there on his comments and its heartbreaking to get no response when youve produced awesomeness..
Ikr xD
Boy oh BOY do I relate to the feeling of paralyses. Happens every day trying to muster the “courage” to walk out the door and do “life” … I’m OK once I actually get away from the house … it’s just a muthafucca trying to get out and get going … is that really a symptom of depression? (an honest question – I honestly do not know) Most people seem to label that as “lazy”, “unmotivated” etc. Seems I’ve had this “problem” for quite some time.
In other news – to reference your comments on the troll post that was deleted (undoubtedly by site admins) … Darth Maul was “asking for it” … did you see the way he was dressed? That look in his eye? … yeah, he got what he was asking for 😛
jedi dawg
Hi Dawg-good to see you:) yes, the dread of going out th door and having to interact with people is fairly common among depressive disorder sufferers,i think. Not everyone does,though,and the circumstances that can bring it about and ways it manifests are so varied,
As far as Darth Maul goes..the look in his eye is pure anger…the breakfast of Dark Side champions:):)
He certainly had it coming, being -you know- a rage fueled double bladed light saber wielding Zabrak Sith Lord from Iridonia…BUT my Inquiry was not about that,Dawg. It was a simple “Who’s a cooler badass-Maul or JarJar?” And I think its safe to say the answer is D.M…..:):):) it was a loaded question,yes,but I was trying to draw th kids over to the Dark side ..That homophobic asshole needed to be blasted,see,and so it was for a good cause:) Sometimes dealing with an evil entity requires gettn evil yourself 😉
FYI – I disregarded the troll post because it was … well … a troll post. Not worth wasting energy of any emotion or thought on. About the only concern I had was how it might affect some of the visitors here if they didn’t realize it was just a callous asshole trying to flame the place
I don’t have problems with interacting with people … just … well it’s almost like a mini anxiety attack to even consider leaving the house. It’s like (and I know this is extreme) but it’s like trying to psych myself up to run into a burning building to save someone … I’m trying to convey a visual on what it take to “get me moving” although I can assure you it’s really not to the level of my example – but I think you get the picture. I have to try to focus all my thoughts on just the most basic simple steps to get moving because if I don’t focus my complete attention on those mundane steps, my mind goes 15 billion miles an hour in every direction and … boom … paralysis – not the “can’t move” kind … just the “can’t leave” kind. And I’ll find almost any other excuse to delay it too … even doing … gasp … housework!! Oy vey
Darth maul was an anger whore – he had it coming
FYI to run with a tangent:
whores = good = sexually liberated and free
… it’s the lying ones that besmirch their good name 😉
stonewalled dawg
Oh come ON now … JarJar was in no way a “badass” … a lovable bumbling fool but not an ounce of badassery in his innocent squishy finned body … I loved the jarjar character but he was a good guy with a good heart, won’t hurt a fly … on purpose and would feel horrible if he did so on accident.
gungan dawg
I had a problem with JarJar right out of the gate-stupid cutesy species like him just sort of make me feel homicidal..I cant xplain it:) For the record,though,I was fine with the Ewoks till the celebration scene at th end of R.o.t.J. I involuntarily opened fire when they started singing-what a fiasco:) you can imagine what a scene I made in a packed theater. It was a hasty exit-thank god they had those back door exits !Really saved my bacon that day,let me tell ya…
I recall being thrilled when JarJar got his lips zapped ..I really wanted him to get sucked into th pod engine,or get something chopped off at least.I knew Lucas wouldnt dare to kill off such a kiddie pandering character like JarJar,of course,but it was fun for a second
Youre funny,Dawg:) Whores are def good-just imagine a world without whores!!My goodness..,god only knows WHAT kind of activities I would have got caught up in if I hadnt been a teenage whore! Jeesh-all the drugs would not have been NEARLY as awesome without all the whoring. But thats just MY humble opinion:):)
“just imagine a world without whores”
NO!
you can’t make me …. whore are who/what make life worth living 😉 <3
frisky dawg
I get your description about leaving the house..for me its like a boot camp scene sortof..its like”Go!Go!Go!Go!Go!” In my mind..or deploying into a war zone
EXACTLY – complete focus on each individual step to get out the door and off the property – once I get over that hump, I’m good to go … but some days it’s simply insurmountable 🙁
I’m very good with people, very good with my job … but fuck me if getting out the door isn’t the most daunting task I face each and every day
cement boots dawg
I really feel for you..especially because you’re good with people.That makes it sadder:( you probably get enjoyment and satisfaction out of ypur job,since youre good with people
I do very much enjoy my job … despite it being very hard on my body – not good considering my physical ailments … my doctor would prefer i quit and do something MUCH less physical to preserve my body … and I’m arguable the best service provider at my company … customers actually take the time to call and compliment both my work and my personality … I am the most requested service provider … but I can rarely ever get anywhere on time because I’m always fighting this battle to get out of the house.
does that really sound like a symptom of depression you’ve ever heard of? I have never breached this subject with my medical doctor so I honestly do not know what real depression is … although I’ve taken some of those online quizzes and they tell me I supposedly suffer moderate to severe depression … I’m afraid to raise any question regarding mental health for fear of the stigmas attached :/
dichotomy dawg
Thats awful,Dawg:( your physical medical problems,it sounds like you may have to stop working… your symptoms sound agoraphic,but not acutely so. Some people cant walk out the door without complete panic attack..you certainly have anxiety issues. You feel good once you’ve out,though,and thats good
That dude had it coming, being a god fearing ignorant ass unsupporting homophobic father, he deserved everything that came his way.
Don’t feel bad, and I also advise that you stay away from the large doses of Benadryl … You will feel kinda gross and weird.
Maybe take break from everything and maybe try a new activity that can help ease your stress and keep your kind of things for awhile. Stay away from looking at flip flop wearing people being eaten by cars and what not on BG and reading the lovely Zionist hating comments there. That place only fuels negativity and only secures a shitty perspective of the world and its inhabitants.
Why don’t you produce that film?
*Keep your mind off things*
Geez my writing sucks
Hi Koji-thanks for th encouragement:) Ive done th benadryl about 200 times.Its not great true,but shit…it does give a euphoric feeling in high quantities. I consider getting th prescriptions all th time,I use to .But I hate going to the doctors.
really?!? I take 3-4 benadryl tabs and I’m asleep in a half hour.
curious dawg
Yep-its true. Iuse to get spacy and sleep on just a couple,too. Now if I want to get any effect it takes 16 to 20 , unless I haven’t used them in a long time. Its stupid.. I always had a high tolerance with drugs but addicts get an abnormally high tolerance. Norcos I get a tolerance to so fast ..th amount that gets me high escalates in days once started. After a couple weeks,its really stupid.Dangerous amounts. I havnt used any prescription drugs for a long time.A year since . I was using a lot of zanex
I cover myself with baggy clothes ,hat, sunglasses.then look down,rapidly walk to th car-no acknowledging any neighbors-i hate chit chat,so I never look,wave,etc. Mmmm-well,not true-i DID ding-dong-ditch one of my neighbors with my son one night at 4a.m. We had been been havin a Kubrick film marathon,and decided to get some fresh air-one thing led to another. It was a dare-i had no choice but to perform the hostile act! A Clockwork Orange really gets you worked up,and in the mood for violence and mayhem…So,yes-we ding-dong-ditched her:)
did you watch eyes wide shut? Hehe joking
LoL!NO not that night..I did however see it when it came out:) oh,they massacred it in reviews..Dr.Strangelove is my sons favorite(Peter Sellers!!!) I can’t choose between my favorites..I love almost all his films.
ah ok, i think i will watch more of his movies if i get around to it. I have only seen eyes wide shut,lolol sad. The critics were sure onto that one, yes
That guy was such a dick,though..Prob a troll,really. He had it coming either way
Koji-isnt all that anti-Zionist crap so bizarre?!I dont read th rants but these jokers throw something in as often as possible on BG.. yes its not spiritual uplifting to begin with,looking at stuff on there. I need to stop
Misanthrope- Even though I am weary of people taking rather high doses of medication, I do hope its for recreational purposes and not of real intent to self harm.
But I will concur that large doses of Diphenhydramine is quite an experience.
To add to the antisemitic environment of BG, it is quite bizzare and really profound to actually witness that their are people who are absolute in their beliefs that Jews are trying to concur the world. Don’t get me wrong, I have my share of consipracy theories as well, but the things these people say makes me dumbfounded. SMH
Well I hope you may find peace in this chaotic world and your free to call upon me anytime if you need someone to talk to and what not.
Take care
Thanks Koji,I appreciate that:) I,too have my share of conspiracy theories-but yes-the Zionist world domination trip is suuuper crazy. I tend to think some of the comments after a ranting post are just for the fun of jumping in and acting like a fool,but MAN…what if they aren’t and instead bought it hook,line,and sinker? Scary stupid. No worries,though, on the overdose ..when I decide to go,I will not fail .I don’t want to pull a sucession of close calls and wear everybody out (i reserve the right to change my mind on that,though.I may very well want to wear somebody or the other out by then)…I know how to die successfully-if only I could live successfully!
Your doctor is legally bound to confidentiality,Dawg. Unless he thinks youre a danger to yourself or others,he has to keep your info private. You should talk to him ,definitely,if you are interested in anti depression treatment..or anti anxiety
I’m well aware of the confidentiality … the doctor is the one person I DON’T want thinking there is anything wrong with me mentally. You see, he’s the one who provides the medication to manage my pain from my physical issues … now if he were to think I am in any way compromised in ANY way mentally, then that would endanger the ability to continue to procure the pain medication. Kind of a catch-22, if I’m thought to have a mental issue then no pain meds and bye bye sanity from unmitigated physical pain … if I keep my potential mental issues hidden then I get the pain meds but no mental health assistance.
I know you mentioned somewhere that you did or do get Norcos (which I’ve been taking for over a decade) so I know you understand the delicate position this puts me … can’t have it both ways and I don’t have the insurance or capacity to pay to find the right combinations of providers to manage both simultaneously. I wish it weren’t so, but there it is … combine all that with my financial/living stresses and you understand why I here. I’m barely hanging on but relatively determined to do so – but I’m not unopposed to “pulling the trigger” should things take a turn.
Fun for the whole family 😛
This old geezer song tends to capture how I feel:
“Locomotive Breath” by Jethro Tull
In the shuffling madness
Of the locomotive breath,
Runs the all-time loser,
Headlong to his death.
He feels the piston scraping —
Steam breaking on his brow —
Thank God, he stole the handle and
The train won’t stop going —
No way to slow down.
He sees his children jumping off
At the stations — one by one.
His woman and his best friend —
In bed and having fun.
He’s crawling down the corridor
On his hands and knees —
Old Charlie stole the handle and
The train won’t stop going —
No way to slow down.
He hears the silence howling —
Catches angels as they fall.
And the all-time winner
Has got him by the balls.
He picks up Gideon’s Bible —
Open at page one —
God stole the handle and
The train won’t stop going —
No way to slow down.
If you’ve never heard it, I urge you to give it a listen – it’s really quite good – it’s a classic 😉
restricted dawg
FYI – the intro is about 1:20 so give it a chance 🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCcwNoVSt2E
Tull..awesome.I saw Jethro Tull at the USF Sundome in Tampa when I was 18 or so ..very high..I always liked Cross eyed Mary.. I cant think of another musician like him-his flute really set him apart .. Dawg,I understand about your concerns,and I sympathize.you have to get the Norcs..I wonder if you could get an appt with a psychologist/counselor without going through him…idk how your insurance is,but I hav2 go through my primary,and I think they can acess my record from any other doctor or treatment center…
You use norcs for years and find it effective for pain still after so much time on it-thats great,Dawg .I was switching up every couple months with other painkillers because it just didnt cut it without an excessive dose after awhile. My pain management doctor would get upset with me, wanting to switch it up. I understand why but I couldn’t help it if th drugs stop working at a “normal” dose. I was always up front with him about my history,and openly discussed it..I came off everything finally because I would be so angry and upset with the entire thing..my primary,my pain management dr,my psychiatrist who gave me loads of zanex..I just quit going. Im in pain,and have declined rapidly with th depression.ive always been depressed,but it got worse..I hate going to doctors and I dont unless I absolutely have to. Enough about me,though.You -ohhhh sorry!I just re read your post-you dont have the insurance..I completely understand why you wouldnt go to a shrink-my god,the cost out of pocket would be insane..
So you have insurance,but cannot be receiving medication from both your doc and a psychiatrist,because it would cause your doctor to pull your Norco script…I did get both painkillers from my P.management doctor and zanex from th psychiatrist,but I know they would talk about me,and adjust my amounts which ticked me off,naturally. Dawg, if you started to contemplate pulling the trigger more seriously,l would hope that u seek th mental health treatment ANYWAY despite the conflict of interest …..
I would leave the house more if I had more than one place to go. I think. Probably not. Lately when I’m out I’m thinking…man, I just want to get home so I can be depressed in peace. At the same time I’m thinking…eff, I don’t want to go home and be depressed alone.
Yes-its not good either way:( I get home as quickly as possible when out. Alone blows,certainly,but at least im in a comfort zone
Dawg I struggle with leaving the house too, to approximate your metaphor it becomes a little like exiting a burning building via the window…in other words, rock and hard place. Like you, once I’m out it’s not that big of a deal but it’s a looong walk to the bus stop and some days every step is a pain in the ass. Can’t count how many times I’ve gone out only to retreat back to the homestead after a few paces down the road, sometimes not even that. I love getting home after a few hours or a day out in the world, but I can’t stay there all the time, I would literally go crazy with loneliness, boredom and isolation.
Unlike you and misanthrope though, I don’t have any real physical issues so I count myself lucky for that.
That’s a great analogy, seppuku. Yeah, i can get everything prepped and ready to go and then I can’t tell you how many times i’ve gone to the door to finally leave only to turn back and go “sit for just 5 minutes” … it’s like – in order to actually leave I have to clear my head of every single thought or image … like a blank slate and just act … as if it were an instinct or impulse – completely without “thinking” then once I get rolling, i’m good … like getting the roller coaster over the first hill … once you get it over the peak, down it goes and it tuns the whole track without aid or assistance … but ONLY after getting it over that first hill.
… or like that scene in Kill Bill (Tarantino) … gonna do all this bad ass revenge shit but I gotta first … “wiggle my big toe”
dawg
oh hey it’s dawg