You know, I am trying to limit myself to one post per day on here, but something is bothering me. Well… not bothering. But I have something to share.
I never used to get self harm – even when I was doing it myself, but I didn’t think it was self harm until about a year ago. I never… understood why people did it. To get away? Because they hate themselves? Boredom? Distractions? I don’t know…I still cannot comprehend why I and others do it, because hurting yourself when you are already hurting is… nonsensical. But we do it anyway. We do it for the rush, or for the blessed pain that makes you feel alive, or for the trance that makes you forget everything. We look back at the scars and the cuts, the burns and the wounds, and we feel worse. We just feel worse. Ugly and scarred and unwanted – like if anyone should look they would reject us with revulsion because we are damaged goods.
So in my effort to understand I sat down with my best friend. I actually haven’t known her for very long really, say two years – but we clicked right off the bat. She told me about her time dealing with self harm, and how she stopped. And what people said her to stop.
It’s all the same, isn’t it? You tell people and they react in a myriad of different ways. Some care. Some don’t. Some get angry or sad. Some don’t understand, they don’t know how to react. Hell… when my now ex boyfriend told me he was, I didn’t know how to react, and I just… I just cried. A lot. I wish I knew what to do, but I didn’t. Some try to understand. Some give advice and some tell you to go ahead and cut deeper. Some threaten with harming themselves if you don’t quit, others threaten to tell. And some… some don’t say much at all. Because some know that you already know it’s wrong, and you need to stop.
You do, we do – we all do, deep down. We all know we need to stop. We all know we should put down what’s hurting us, and we all know deep down it’s wrong – even in the thrilling moment where the rush or the aftermath feels so right. We don’t need people telling us it’s wrong, and that we should stop. We know.
Telling us it’s wrong and that we should stop, making us feel bad… doesn’t help. It brings feelings of guilt, or additional feelings of guilt. You know you are hurting other people that care about you by hurting yourself. You don’t need a reminder. We aren’t stupid. We are just… hurting. And scrambling to find a way to show it, or deal with it. We know it’s not healthy.
I think we need a listener. And this is to you, listener. If they want advice, give it to the best of your ability. Show them you care, but don’t play the guilt card. Share your own experiences, because goddamn it we don’t want to feel like mutilated, isolated freaks. We just want to feel normal and right again. Agree with us sometimes that yes, it just fucking sucks. It fucking sucks to be you and I get that. Sometimes we don’t want to hear the same manufactured ‘it will get better bullshit’ – no one knows if its really gonna get better – life can just deal a shitty hand sometimes. I cannot speak for everyone when I say this, but if I feel down people telling me it’s going to get better doesn’t help – I only believe it’s going to get better when I say it to myself. When I make myself believe. You can’t do that for me. But sometimes, you are welcome to try. Tell me it’s going to be okay, because whilst I might not believe it, it might push me towards hope again.
Believe in me. Believe I can stop. Maybe my circumstances won’t get better but believe that I can stop my addiction to that pain. Believe that I can find a healthier outlet. Do not doubt me, because I already doubt myself. Tell me you are behind me. Tell me I have the power to stop, that I am in control of this, because I’m the one doing it. It is only me that chooses to add those scars, and I can stop it right now. No one else can force me to stop, just me. Remind me.
And you know, maybe I’m totally wrong and my perspective is still skewed or maybe I’m onto something – but I’m not afraid to admit that this is what helps me. And you know, I hope it helps you too.
TheStranger17
2 comments
Interesting post,
I speak with many people that self-harm. There is a myriad of reasons as you know. Just as there is countless ways to self-harm. After all the rush from the sting of the blade as it is drawn is not the only way to release endorphins. Gambling, driving to excess, eating to excess, addition to the Internet even joining the military or sideshows of it for intents and purposes that I did are forms of self harm.
I have listened much and contemplated about this. I find a I dig deeper that many actions share the same underlying needs. Turning emotional pain into tangible pain. Becoming part of a “group” that one can identify with. Being able to hold a secret, in kind of a power way that “only the injured” knows.
Obviously there is more to this, but it is way past my go to bed time. In short I could never say that self harm is right or wrong. It just is. There are more positive ways to cope with the challenges, for sure. The issue with self harm is that if you don’t find a way to address the underling challenges one tends to desensitize to the current action. Thus, efforts need to be increased to achieve the same results.
Cheers,
That was powerfully written. Well-done.
I would tell you that not only do you “have the power to stop,” but only you CAN have that power over you. You are not powerless. Whether you believe in a higher power or not, YOU can change your behavior to add or delete any pastime you choose.
If you want some reading material on this, e-mail me at recoveringfromthat(at)gmail.com (I promise not to try to shove any belief/ rules/ programs down your throat).