I didn’t even care who would get to be the driver on our new car tonight. Of course I would’ve loved to drive, so – without thinking about it – I took the offer to gamble about it. *sarcasm on* Just by empirical observation of past gambles I should have known that against all odds I somehow manage to lose every single time. *sarcasm off* After my one sister won the first round to drive on the first way, my other sister and me should have gambled about the way back from the restaurant, but I refused. That wasn’t the best choice obviously, but in that moment I was pretty frustrated. Anyways, I probably would have let them drive if we would have talked it out, but it never came to that; my dad who apparently loves to take shots at me for several reasons took my sisters’ side and with a grin on his face told me how inconsequential I was, that my only aim was to drive myself and not find a fair solution for everyone. I should have known beforehand that gambling can never result in a fair outcome and that was my part of the misery tonight and I regret it. But the way my dad used this incident to attack me with such self-righteous pleasure just proves how little this has to do with the actual driving.
Sadly I lost the respect for my dad and mom some time ago, as much as I lost respect for most human beings on earth. I still treat people respectfully because that is the right thing to do, but deep inside I am just frustrated and angry with most people I meet. I could have argued with him about how randomness is never just, about how using this incident to attack me is just another expression of the view he has on me which would have ultimately resulted in more hatred and frustration; since that really wasn’t an option I stayed silent for the rest of the night just eating my dinner and waiting to get home. Still, more issues came up that I wasn’t even part of and the situation ended up with everyone being frustrated and the evening ruined.
Whatever, I could say, who cares? Just one night, no reason to suicide. But it’s not about this single incident, it’s about the way I am seen by my family, which I tend to forget due to family love. Yes, I love them, because love is fucking irational. But if I try to forget these feelings and look at the issue unemotionally I see how I am just the useless middle child who is unsuccessful in almost everything he is expected to do due to the simple fact that he is an awkward introvert. Ever thought about your responsibility in this, hm? Why do you love my brother and sisters so much more who go meet their hundreds of friends every weekend, who all have a girlfriend or boyfriend, who shine a good light on our family in public, who represent this stupid ideal our society has of the perfect human being? It’s pointless to argue with you about this, I’ve tried so many times and everytime you call me aggressive for trying to point out the obvious to you. I am not what society wants me to be, and that’s a big stain on your CV. You just cant accept that people can live differently from what you or others want them to live like. I could have grown up to be a happy child if you hadn’t always tried to change me into something I am not. I still hope that one day you will realize this.