Like so many of us, I’ve nowhere to go with this. But I need to post somewhere. Briefly, I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, an HIV survivor and had a heart attack a year ago. Now I’ll probably have to do the hospital again.
In the past few days I’ve had an increasingly painful ache under my right ribcage that becomes worse if I try to roll over in bed or cough. Suddenly this afternoon, almost without warning, I felt like I’d been stabbed there, fell out of my office chair, against the desk and briefly passed out. I’m not one for drugs – no, not even for suicide – but have some of my elderly mom’s pain meds she gave me for emergencies. I’ve been popping ’em the rest of the day, but only minimally relieved. Certain movements, such as sitting up, make me cry out in agony. My poor kitty is upset because he knows “the big parent” is in obvious pain. It just kills me to see him stare at me with those big eyes and hear him meow at me as I struggle to even shuffle around. I try to reassure the little guy.
I suppose I should have called 911. Yeah, that would put me in the hospital for treatment…where I guess I’ll end up anyway. I assume it’s my gallbladder (had hoped it was my appendix). But I have no way to pay for it. When I had the heart attack and had stents placed, I was then hounded all year for money I didn’t have, even though the social worker was perfectly aware of my situation. I’ve often thought I should have just walked out, as I tried to, before the procedure. I’m now faced with ongoing pain that’s worse than the MI. I’m in a state with no Medicaid help for ACA, which would otherwise cost me $300/mo. that I don’t have. I’m thinking it would be better just to finally succumb and do the exit plan I’ve had for years. I just don’t feel like I have anything to live for any more.
It’s not the hospital that scares me – a couple decades of blood draws, etc., with the HIV have desensitized me. I even got into a protocol a couple years ago that supplies the very expensive antiretrovirals for free. Hell, even managed to somehow pay off a couple credit cards in the past year. But I don’t want to again have to deal with the neverending harassment from people who are mindless robots. Why bother seeking help? Seems like every time I make a little progress there’s always something to knock me on my ass again…and I’m exhausted trying to fight it any longer.