I’ve been crying more and more often. I’m going on 57 years old, I’ve been living with HIV for almost half of my life, and in recent years I’ve been becoming increasingly resigned to the prospect of finishing out the rest of my life alone and unloved. I’ve been in two 5-year relationships in the past, both with guys who knew of my HIV status and accepted it, but ultimately decided that the grass on the other side of the fence was just a bit greener. It’s been 12 years since I’ve had the simple pleasure of walking up in the morning WITH someone else.
A few years ago I became involved in a local gay men’s choir, and it was a lifeline for me, giving me a sense of belonging at a time when I really needed it the most. But recently I was attacked in writing by another member, some long-simmering resentment that came boiling over, and it has been utterly, utterly demoralizing, and couldn’t have come at a worse time. That last bit of joy in my life is gone. I really have nothing left.
My parents are still alive, and my self-destruction would cause them more pain than I could ever wish on them, but I feel like I’m slipping out of control. I feel like I have no options left.