i kept myself extremely busy and productive today to take my mind off of everything. it worked pretty well too. i went to my college and attended my two classes for today. i got a lot of homework done for my courses, took care of the remaining things for financial aid, etc. i felt like i accomplished a lot today, i was even a little proud of myself, until night time arrived….
whats the point of any of it? why am i still trying? im absolutely miserable with myself. the only person who could make this better is the person who shattered my fucking heart. i loved her more than anything that this world could ever offer. i wanted to be a dad so badly, id always daydream of how i would raise my kids, to be the supportive loving father that would never neglect his child, to be the father that my dad never was to me, but i only wanted that with her. it felt right with her. we were supposed to be married and die old together. it was meant to be with her, nobody else, but now thats all gone. why would she leave me here to save herself? i wouldve never done that to her. she told me forever. she betrayed me and i will never get over this pain. my mother, my two close friends, they say shes not worth this pain, that i will find somebody better, that i will be better off without her and i am so fucking tired of hearing that! she was everything to me. without her, i am nothing. i wouldve died for her. but instead, im going to die because of her.
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When my girlfriend broke up with me, i swore to her that i would never be happy again. I swore to myself that i would never stop loving her. For almost 8 months, i had never spoken truer words. It tore me apart everyday. I only lived in the hope that she would see how much she had hurt me, and realise that she should be with me.
There was no exact point that i stopped feeling this. I can remember a time 8 months after our break up when i was still awake at 4 am crying and hurting myself and cursing the world and wishing she was there to hold me. Next i can remember a time about 3 months after this where i was thinking about things other than her, and only staying awake until 2 am.
My god it still hurt. It still ripped at my chest. But i slowly realised the simple fact, that she had broken her promises and therefore wasn’t who i thought she was.
All up, it took about a year and a half. But i picked myself up and took a step forward.
Stay strong. Your thoughts are well intentioned. You sound like a kind soul with a good heart. Live this pain. Feel all of it. Wallow. But i promise that one day, you will look forward.
Great reply, fairmount. How did you endure that kind of pain for so long? Even knowing that it will likely fade over time, just getting through the next 30 minutes requires Herculean effort. How did you manage to survive day-to-day?
infectedpooks, as miserable as things seem, it sounds like you’re already making progress. You did have *some* time during your day where you were able to engage in your daily routine without being overcome with despair. Over time, you’ll be able to set those feelings aside for longer and longer periods until they dissipate or become irrelevant. At least, that’s how it seems to work. Hopefully it will happen sooner rather than later, for both of us.