It’s a double-edged sword and I’m balanced on its tip. I don’t want to be alive anymore, but I’m afraid to attempt suicide because I fear what would happen if I failed. So I hate myself anyway, and the fact that I am afraid to just end my life makes me hate myself even more because it shows me that I’m a coward.
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4 comments
Nothing cowardly about getting off a carnival ride you never asked to be on.
I think you misunderstood me. I’m not afraid of dying–I want to die. I’m afraid of what might happen if I attempt suicide and fail–if I try ti kill myself but end up surviving the attempt. I don’t want to end up in a coma permanently, or paralyzed, or with brain damage.
I know the feeling. I ended up failing- though I was only in a coma for four days and ICU for two
I was sent back to a mental health facility as you’d expect under 24hr supervision and it hardly leaves me any freedom.
Failing at it is hard
But there is nothing cowardly about not attempting it in the first place. I may sound like a hypocrite saying this- but I think those who don’t attempt are strong. I have no fear in admitting that I am weak to the darkness that is consuming me which is why I am where I am now – with professionals that are trying to make me stronger and capable of fighting off that temptation to end my life instead of destroying the darkness’s life.
Suicide is not about courage or weakness, it’s about pain and controlling how we deal with it. I contradict myself constantly I know, but it is because I have so many opinions on this topic and having experienced it first hand- I like to think that no one is right but no one is wrong either. Each to their own. However those are my conclusions
(Sorry for the massive msg)
I don’t think you are a coward. What you think may be a sign of you being a coward is the reason why you live to see another day. I have tried to kill myself, I ended up the hospital for two days… Silly me, couldn’t I couldn’t even commit suicide right. But I think part if me still wanted live…
I agree with dawn it is not a sign of weakness or courage.. For me, it was and is my way of controlling my the pain I feel inside.