Don’t waste your time reading this post, unless you have the time and/or actually want to waste it. I’m writing this because sometimes I just need to let it all out. So the first thing I wanted to go on about is people. This is all in accordance to me and my bitching about everything and my opinions and feelings from personal or non-personal experiences. So, I shall shut up and begin now. Sometimes, I fucking hate people. Sometimes they suck. Not always, I’ve known some that have had a few not too sucky moments, but for the most part.. For me, people always leave me. Everyone leaves and sometimes I know why sometimes I don’t. But 9 out of 10 if I care about them (and god only knows how much I care about everything) and/or we had a good relationship going, it hurts when they leave. I can name so many people off the top of my head that have left, boyfriends, friends, people I used to know. Sometimes I leave but only for good reasons, I will never be someone to just stop talking to someone all together without at least talking to them, but everyone leaves me. And if any of those people ever read this. I’m sorry for whatever I did, I’m sorry you don’t need me in your life anymore. I just need to settle that because I hold onto things until I don’t feel I need to and it makes me mental sometimes. The second thing I wanted to address is something very important to me, and that is my suicide. I have this preconceived notion, if that’s the right word, that my suicide is going to go perfectly and just as planned and I will be glad I’m doing it and I’ll die where and how I want without too big a mess and all this stuff, but I have this huge fear of regretting it at the last minute or forgetting to add something in my note or something failing or not going right, and that scares the shit out of me because my death is the one big thing I get to chose in this world and this life, it’s the one thing I can make perfect for me, and call that selfish, but my suicide is partly for me to be happy finally and for me to end this how I want to end this. Obviously I don’t know what’s after death, but I’m hopeful and faithful and believe that whatever the case I will be happy, and I believe this for everyone that is in enough pain to end their lives short, that they will be happy, even those who don’t kill themselves, because I am just that kind of person. I’m not one to pray but I pray that it goes as planned. Next thing, when I’m not breaking down or my anxiety isn’t at an epitome or my depression isn’t dragging me down I get the most extreme bouts of nostalgia like you would not believe. Sometimes I miss a memory or moment or time period so much that I will cry over it. Because under all of the pain I am feeling now and the anger and frustration and hatred and bullshit I love everything. I like what I like but I love everything. And I cherish certain things so much, one of my worst fears is growing old and getting Alzheimer’s, because I know that these memories that I look back on so often are something that have been keeping me alive. But I know that they can’t keep me alive forever. I just think back to when I was little girl and didn’t have severe depression or anxiety or suicidal thoughts and was just carefree and naive and happy, or last year, when I was with my friends, and was pretty happy sometimes and actually had people that I believe loved and cared about me, and I miss it so much and crave it and want it back because those were things that made me happy, and I want that back. I have so many stories I would love to tell on YouTube, I always wanted to make a channel and just tell all of my stories and rant about everything and let it all out there but I could never do that due to various reasons. But that’s all for now, I figure I’ll do more of these when I need to let it all out next, but if you read this, you’re great, thanks,until next time, you’re lovely and stay alive so you can stay that way. Love from Hailee.
i was home alone for the bulk of the day. i should have killed myself whilst i had the chance. i should have gotten it over with.
why am i still alive.
I just want my life back. I lost it years ago and I miss it. I just want Amber to forgive me but she never will. My family is pretty much gone because most are just too selfish to even talk to anyone. They do nothing but fight and ***** about how shitty their lives are, but they don’t know how bad it can really be. I mean, they could be like me. Some are, but they are fighting it. They have the very willpower and persistence that I just can’t find anymore. I don’t deserve forgiveness or happiness and I can recognize it.
I guess only time will tell if this is the right decision.
Time flies. Remember this because it’s the truth. 6 years has gone so fast. 6 years of nothing but pain and Misery. I know that nothing will ever change. I am the very monster I wanted to destroy and now, I can with simple choice: Death
No human alive or dead has or has had the authority to judge another.
My unit (War Eagles), more specifically our platoon (2nd Platoon The wolfpack), has many sayings for when we are down range. As an airborne division NCO and lead NCO of my unit we have one in special attention. As an airborne MP, (I don’t judge anyone, that’s the God of their choice to decide. We are here to arrange the meeting.)
Tonight I am going to set my own.
GORY GORY WHAT A HELLUVA WAY TO DIE
GORY GORY WHAT A HELLUVA WAY TO DIE
GORY GORY WHAT A HELLUVA WAY TO DIE
I AIN’T GONNA JUMP NO MORE
I’m watching a tokusatsu or a Japanese superhero mini-series about these creatures called Amazons. The Amazons need to eat protein to stay alive but after a period of time, they lose control and start to consume all sources of protein… It is sort of like Tokyo Ghoul in a few ways.
I feel like an Amazon on the verge of going berserk right now… I want to devour others… So…
Can I devour anyone here?
Sorry to worry u guys iv been trying to keep busy thank u for caring I appreciate it very much u can contact me on my email if u want to chat if u need support I can try my best
iv been thinking of u guys
I can’t remember everyone name
Any there many others hope your all ok thinking of u guy been trying to give life a shot if not there always the exist plan how r u guys hope everyone ok
I am sick of this garbage.
I am sick of myself.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE EXPECT OUT OF ME.
Killing myself is too fucking easy.
I swear sometimes I feel like there has to be some old fuck in the sky getting off to this shit, because it’s getting too ridiculous for coincidences.
FUCK, I should have gotten that cancer not my Dad, it isn’t fair. Why does he have to suffer, why does one of the only reasonable person I actually care about in my family gets cancer.
I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO FUCKING DIE FOR YEARS. What if he dies, do you think I’m going to kill myself and leave my 60+ year old mother alone. I fucking despise her entirely but I’m still a human.
The only way I was able to cope was by telling myself I didn’t have to worry about my anxieties because I would end up killing myself. Ironically the thought of an early grave kept me alive.
Now I’m in a situation where I would have to completely lose my sanity for me to end myself.
I don’t give a single shit about what people think about me. I don’t fucking care if people think I’m over reacting, jumping to conclusions, being a ***** etc. But if I fucking hear someone tell me to “keep going” or “don’t think about it” I’m going to blow my brains out right in front of them.
If my dad wasn’t a kind person, I wouldn’t even hesitate walking off that bridge. But he is, so now I can’t die. No matter how the situation plays out now, I am stuck with being alive with the strongest urge to kill myself for years or until emotions get too high and my morality fades.
Fuck this planet, fuck everyone on it.
I hate myself.
I’m really sorry to anyone who wastes their time reading this, so I’ll try to make it short.
I am not a necessity, nor a nicety, so why do I continue to roam this bloody earth in hopes of finally being wanted. I’m not wanted now, I wasn’t wanted in the past, and I can’t help but think that I won’t be wanted in the future. I’ m a liar, an accident, an attention whore, a know-it-all, and just an all-around piece of shit. Why am I even still alive?
If it’s not a problem for anyone reading this, would you tell me if, from what I just said, I sound like a valuable member to this planet? Do I honestly sound like I am someone you would want in this world?
My two ideas about suicide are this; killing myself would be taking care of this world’s biggest problem, but it’s also ending my suffering, which I most certainly do not deserve. I don’t know what to do anymore because I literally feel like two different people, both sadists, who are deciding the fate of a mistake of a human being.
The only thing I’ve ever done in this world is defend my pride, and it has ruined me, my family, and my friends. Does anyone honestly think that I’m the kind of asshole you would want in this world. Outing myself would be the first (and only) kind thing I’ve ever done for anyone or anything. I’m screwing loads of people over by simply being alive, so what does it matter how much I love life? I don’t deserve to be happy, I don’t deserve to have an opinion, and I don’t deserve to be alive if it’s literally screwing everyone over.
I said that I was going to make this short, so I’m sorry for lying. Please don’t bloody forgive me, I don’t deserve it.
I’ve been living like I’m dying for awhile now. Ready to take the plunge any day. It’s depressing but so relaxing. No fuss, no planning for the future, no caring what people think. Temporary.
I’ve been offered a nursing job. Going to be staying alive and seeing how it goes. No use in ruining everyone else’s lives right now.
It’s stupid, but I had just gotten used to being a walking corpse. A sick part of me is a little disappointed.
Well Alive is a very, deceitful word. The first definition I could find for it on google states ‘of a person, animal, or plant) living, not dead.’ I couldn’t help but say think that is all i am right now. Right now I am barely breathing. I love the next definition of the word alive is ‘alert and active; animated.’, I am neither, I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. I am the complete opposite of animate. I am alive physically, spiritually my soul is dead. it is a soul that the devil is using as a rag.
The last time I posted I said I was going to die. I tried and it failed. I tried hanging myself, not from a tree. I read online about a short suspension hanging. I started and I kept on stopping it due to the will of the human body to survive. I later on tried drinking paraffin which only made me a little ill.
I fought with her. She painted a picture of me being a monster and self centered. Like I was a terrible friend. I remember dropping all of my problems whenever she was down. I remember I pushed to help. I wouldn’t rest until she was happy. I gave my heart to her. I was myself. I trusted her more than my own parents. She was my last glimpse of hope in this world and she took it away from me. I was told to go away. She gave me an ultimatum, stop being depressed or I walk. Not in those words but it was implied. I told her it doesn’t work like that. I know what you are going to say, you shouldn’t die because of her, I am not one to swear but shut the fuck up about that because that is a lie. In my moment of darkness she showed me a light of goodness in this God forsaken world. She wasn’t the reason of me wanting to die… she was the reason of me living. She showed me hope. She was the only thing that I found worth fighting for. Right now I have lost her, Right now my only hope in this world believes I am a monster.
I am breathing still but everything is a trigger. I almost started crying(real manly) while watching master chef and a movie of Steve jobs. I have 2 days till I have to go to work. I am going to see how I handle tomorrow. Right now there is nothing that can bring back this rag of a soul.
I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t handle the constant stress, the overwhelming feelings of depression and anxiety, the unbelievable sense of failure. My friends and family don’t listen to or believe my cries for help. Help. Something that seems reassuring, something that seems within my grasp, yet I know I’ll never get it. I’ll always struggle, always be a burden. I’m sorry I give people grief and sadness when they see me, I’m sorry I can’t be perfect, I’m sorry I rant out my problems to people who already have enough of their own. I’m sorry I’m alive…
I don’t really know how the idea came to my mind, but I’ll do it.
As many of you know, my life is a living hell, and yeah, a lot of people wonder how am I still alive.
There’s something in this world that I love with all my soul, with all my heart. No matter what happens to me, that little thing puts a smile on my face. It brightens my day.
And now, I’ll try to make something for that thing. The thing that keeps me alive.
I’ll have to give up on the idea of trying to leave again, because I’ll need some money. I hope I can do it.
I’ll return to draw. I’ll draw a lot of things for that thing. That will be one of the last things I do before my August 15th. Wish me luck!
It’s been a long time since I posted something here again. So here I am, still alive. Remember my post entitled “April 2”? that should be my date of death. I should’ve been dead by now. But still, I’m alive. But now I wish I wasn’t. I regret choosing to live again. I thought everything might turn out good this time. I tried changing. But every time I’m trying, something bad always happens and it drags me down deep. And when I thought I was getting better, it turned out worse. As usual, I still do self harm scars. I still think about suiciding. And now I think, maybe my life was destined to be like this. Maybe I shouldn’t try to change anymore because I know the result would be the same. I should just wait for the day when I can’t handle everything anymore and end everything… even if I try changing, I know it will still turn out like this…
I can’t live anymore but I can’t die. I hate feeling this way but I know my family would be devastated if I committed suicide. The people who care about me is the only thing keeping me alive.
Honestly, I’m just a stupid teenage girl who still has highschool to get through. I need to put on my big girl pants and just get through it. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be happy.
Suicide. I’ve thought about it, but I’ve always been too much a wimp to really try and end my life. In my opinion, the only scary part of trying to attempt suicide, is if you survive. But then again, that means you are alive for a reason. Maybe I’m scared because I have this hope that everything will be okay.
People say that “time heals everything,” but that, in all honestly, is complete bullshit. No, time does not heal everything. It’s what y o u choose to do in that time, that heals it all.
For me, there’s a difference between living and existing, more so breathing.
Living life is a lot of things. Living life isn’t just one thing. In life you can be hurt, happy, sad, angry, and much more. Feeling alive is great, I mean, at this point, I’m lowkey dead inside LOL.
The pain, the happiness, and just the feelings are what make me know I’m alive–living.
Existing, existing is how I feel sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like I’m there, you know?
Sometimes I feel like I’m just…just…I don’t know, a breathing thing. It’s complicated I guess.
(Here’s something kind of off topic).
Something that intrigues me is observing people. When I go to school, I just observe everyone, without them noticing it. Seeing the way people act and speak are just so…fascinating. I guess psychology has always sparked something inside me. Learning about how the mind works or just why people think the way they think are just scintillating. I think there’s a deeper meaning behind everything. Also, I mean, people only know what you display. I could be smiling and laughing all the time, and people would think I’m okay. I could be crying and quiet all the time, and people would know I’m sad.
Sometimes I don’t really blame people for not asking why I’m not okay. I mean, it’s not really their fault.
People only know what you show.
And that’s the beauty of it.
If any of you play league of legends, you should add me lol.
I appreciate your existence; I appreciate each and every one of you.
I have no motivation for anything! I’m about to graduate collage, but this last semester is killing me and I’m failing 3 classes. I don’t even care, after I graduate (or not) I’m leaving and going to do nothing with my fucking degrees and I don’t care, because I don’t like them anyways, I’m not going to make anything out of myself because I don’t care! the only reason I’m alive is because I cant seem to kill myself all the way! So I guess I’ll just keep not caring and living my whole stupid life because as long as I’m alive everyone’s happy. even if i’m not. Cuz that doesn’t matter.
Have you guys ever gone on benders? like you want to get so fucked up so much so all you have to worry about tomorrow is that hangover?
well i did that on saturday, and i dragged along my 2 bestfriends. we had a crazy fun night. we watched movies, ate pizza, had beers and had alprazolam. basically, i was happy i was fucked up with these people.
but on sunday i was still so high that i autopiloted my whole sunday. like i woke up and did shit. even had family lunch. they said that i looked sleep af, they didnt know about my bender the previous night. but thats the thing. i remember bits and pieces, like the same way you wake up from a dream and you remember some parts of it. thats what my sunday was like.
so i woke up on monday this morning, thinking it was sunday. literally. then i cried coz i felt like i lost myself for a day. i literally felt like i was dead and all i could do was watch my body go ahead without me.
so i started writing so i could internalize my feelings. idk if any of you will read my shit but heres me trying, ever hopeful. always stupid… (PS its quite long? or just whiney and kind of maybe pretentious-seeming but whatever)
My hands are still shaky. It wiggles as it types.
My brain feels sloshy for being on autopilot mode for a day. I’ve skipped a day.
Sunday was my break.
It was my Sabbath.
I actually couldn’t feel anything. I wasn’t me. I felt dead for a while; I didn’t exist and all I had are these visions of my body, soulless, but alive. I saw my empty shell moving past things, past people, past my consciousness.
There was nothing that stopped it; it carried on and on but for what? My body was detached. It wasn’t me.
But it gave me clarity.
Being alive, doing shit that keeps me alive like eating and drinking is all for nothing. It all seemed pointless and I felt like I was dead. But now that I’ve experienced that, I don’t think I want it anymore. If being dead means not being there for your body to do shit to keep you alive then it’s futile. It’s all pointless now and all I need to do to not be dead is to keep doing what I want to do in life whatever the fuck it might be.
I can’t just do that’s stuff necessary to keep me alive. That would be fading away and aimlessly wandering. An aimless existence.
I need to do the things I want, not just need.
Needing is pointless.
Wanting is getting what you need.