I don’t know what I am supposed to do. That’s what I’ve boiled down all my twisted, suppressing, diminishing thoughts into. I’m not content with what I have, or what I’m working towards in regards to my life and career. I’ll be able to live happily, comfortably, and better than some. Not that I’m saying I’ll be rich but I wont be living on the streets either. Somehow that’s not enough for me, I know it’s not just jealously or envy pushing me down since I’ve been in this state before, or should I say most of the time.
I go through what I call ‘my cycles.” Varying between a week or two or a few months. My emotions go from happy, content, loving to immediate dissatisfaction with my life and everything about it. There is no inbetween except for the mask I put on for my friends and loving girlfriend. It’s started to affect my relationship. She doesn’t know what the cause is but she’s not as content staying with me as she was before, and I have no emotion towards this. No sadness, feelings of desperation to keep her around, panic, anything. It just feels like another day, another event, whatever, right?
I have cut in the past, I bear the scars to remind me what I’ve done to my body. I am not proud to have not gone further because I’ve yet to beat that demon. It still haunts me. But I love it, it comforts me and the only time I consider myself happy is when I’m at my lowest. I do not want help, I do not want to change, and I do not want to do anything about it. I’m content. But I know this is wrong; not normal.