I’ve struggled with disdain and hatred for my body for the duration of my depression, I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder last August and it all culminates at times. I just can’t stand my face, I’ve honestly tried cutting parts of it off with scissors multiple times but I’m a ***** and couldn’t stand the pain and blood. I have a particular hatred for my right eye, I have no idea why, I just hate it. It doesn’t look right, it’s ugly, it ruins my face, ugh, it’s just horrible. I’ve gone through bouts of wearing eyepatches for months at a time and my excuses for doing so have become pretty pathetic. I can’t stand my face when my right eye isn’t covered, it gives me horrible anxiety and makes me want to jump off a cliff. I have seriously considered gouging out my eye, but again, I’m a total *****. What I would love more than anything would be to have voluntary surgery to remove it. I’ve only told very few people about my intense hatred for my eye and it scares them off ha, I’ll admit, I have a screw loose somewhere.
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Well this isn’t really something I can relate to and obviously if you have been diagnoses that means you are already getting professional help with this disorder. I think you know that cutting out the eye or any kind of surgery would not solve anything. Like you said you have tried cutting off several parts of your face so its not an issue that is just about your eye. If you cut out your eye you would end up with something even less attractive that you would probably be even more self conscious about. Even if you fix the eye or cover the eye your anxiety would most likely shift to something else. You would find some other flaw to fixate on that you would find more and more repulsive until your anxiety was just as bad about that issue. You would end up in a perpetual cycle of fixing one perceived flaw only to constantly find new flaws to worry about. Its not about the physical features at all not really you have to focus instead on the underlying mental stress and trauma causing the fixation. All you can do is keep working with your therapist or whatever other mental health professionals you have helping you.
Don’t let other people dismiss your thoughts and feelings about this though. Don’t let people minimize or trivialize what you are going through. People aren’t going to understand and they aren’t going to take it seriously because they can’t relate to what you are going through. Their lack of understanding does not make the issue any less real or serious though. Don’t let other people make you feel even worse because of their lack of understanding.
This is really more of a socially constructing disorder. Its only because of the intense pressure and stress we are all under to try to look perfect because we are all judged so much on appearance that issues like this develop. So much of our self esteem and self worth is tied up in how physically attractive we perceive ourselves to be. Then to make it even worse its always the pretty people that act like this isn’t even a problem. That can’t understand how someone can have so much stress and anxiety about it. Like rich people who can’t understand how difficult it is to live in poverty.
thanks so much for your reply, I truly appreciate the effort you put in to write all of that
yes, I agree, it’s a slippery slope that keeps aggregating with each fixation, I’ve read many articles about how plastic surgery is/can be addicting. Perfection is such a nebulous, amorphous ideal, it’s impossible to attain and in the end it’s futile to aim for it. The thing with aesthetics that’s different than another scenario where “if you shoot for the moon you’ll land among the stars” is that it’s completely subjective and prone to radical shifts in perception. Permanent augmentation is well, permanent and once you commit to it regardless if you regret it or not you can’t undo it. Which then leads to lower self esteem etc. which perpetuates the cycle of attempt to fix perceived flaws that may have just been created. My perception is warped so I can’t quite think of anything objectively, which is a clear indicator that I shouldn’t make any subjective, permanent decisions. I can’t help but think of it regardless.
It’s so sad how superficial our culture is and how groups of people are shamed for not conforming to an ideal that isn’t possible for everyone. I don’t know how I became so immersed in this horrible culture and convinced by this terrible dogma, but it’s become an integral part of my psyche and it’s hard to separate indoctrinations from original preferences.
I agree, that’s the same with any kind of privilege. “Why do black people complain about white privilege, I’m not aware of it nor understand it so it must not exist.” ~ white person
“It’s so sad how superficial our culture is and how groups of people are shamed for not conforming to an ideal that isn’t possible for everyone. I don’t know how I became so immersed in this horrible culture and convinced by this terrible dogma”
If its the only environment you have ever known how could you not get immersed in it? As far as the white people not even being aware of white privilege I was reading an article the other day that summed it up as
“A nonconscious ideology is analogous to the water fish swim in: fish don?t think of the water as wet because this environment is all they know ? it structures their experience of life itself. Water simply is. Members of privileged groups don?t have to think about their environment because, for them, that environment simply is. They don?t have to be concerned about others? opinions because it?s safe to assume that most think like them.
Those who don?t benefit from such an environment do have to think about it all the time because they are so susceptible to being harmed by it. For members of less privileged groups, what others think matters a great deal because their opinions and actions control access to the larger benefits of society.
Fish don?t have to think about the water; mammals must remain conscious of it at all times lest they drown.”
sorry not sure why it added all those ? when I copy pasted that
it really pisses me off though when its the fish that are trying to tell everyone else how perfect the water is
^^^^
white privilege is so obvious… for example the What Would You Do video about the bike stealing
Well like the psychologist in that video said the stereotypes are so deeply ingrained that we don’t even think about it. We associate black with bad and criminal and white with good. Then even further when it was the attractive white female and people were actually helping her steal the bike.
The nonconscious ideology that is so much a part of our environment that we don’t even notice or think about it. Beyond that white people obviously have no incentive to question it since it benefits them. Which is why most people feel threatened and attacked if you even suggest it exists. Any change to the status quo would be negative for them. So if you do bring it up they shift the focus of the argument to something else. Break out the dictionary and argue the definition of what privilege even is. Or any other word you choose to use. Argue semantics or statistics. Try to discredit the merit of any statistics you might want to focus on. Blame the victims. Most black people are poor well they don’t work hard enough, they don’t try hard enough. Its their own fault for not getting a better education. Disproportionate amount of black people in prison, well that must mean blacks are just more prone to criminal activity rather than any kind of social bias.
“The thing with aesthetics that’s different than another scenario where “if you shoot for the moon you’ll land among the stars” is that it’s completely subjective and prone to radical shifts in perception. Permanent augmentation is well, permanent and once you commit to it regardless if you regret it or not you can’t undo it. Which then leads to lower self esteem etc. ”
I really agree with this also. With most things we pursue most forms of self improvement even if our goals change or we fall short of our ultimate goals we still made some tangible meaningful lasting improvements. We reap some longterm benefits from whatever investments of time and effort we made. If we get a degree learn a trade skill, even if our plans and goals change we still always get to keep all the knowledge and skills we acquired along that path. Even when we switch off to some new or different path.
I posted a link that kind of compares it to difficulty settings on a video game. I think most people don’t like to admit that they are part of a privileged group because it minimizes their achievements. Like saying that being a white male is like playing the game of life on ez mode. We all like to play games on the highest difficulty because it means more to win if you do. Not because it makes the game more fun but because it is more impressive. It doesn’t mean as much if you brag about beating some game on super easy novice mode, no we all want to brag about how we play on ultra super hardcore mode. How we did everything ourselves and worked for and earned everything we ever got.
most white people don’t understand the concept of privilege. Privilege does not necessarily mean that they are entitled to riches or success just for being white and that they’re given that, it means they have subtle advantages that people of color do not, such as the negation of racial stereotypes. White people are not judged for being white nor are hindered because of those stereotypes. People of color were oppressed a very long time ago and the ramifications of that is that many of them are still in an inferior position which is very hard to get out of. Many white people live in ghettos etc. that many people of color are subjected to though, but it’s not circumstances that define privilege, it’s perception and treatment.
i texted you by the way, i don’t know if you want to talk… the number that ends with 5061. i understand if you don’t, i’m glad we get to converse here and there through other means such as SP.
I’m also a Body Dysmoprh. I’ve hated my face for as long as I’ve known and from about a year ago now I’ve totally avoided looking into mirrors – though I will angle myself so I can only see my body every once in a while.
I see the conversation has shifted to race, I’ll just say a few words about how this has affected my life.
I’m what you call one of those “really white black dudes”, in the sense that I’m well-mannered, fairly-intelligent and I don’t advance the racial stereotypes that have crippled my race’s image over the last few decades. What sucks about being in this position is that I’m relegated to a sort of No Man’s Land: I’m not accepted into many social groups because of my skin color, yet my characteristics are essentially incompatible with members of my own race. I’ve never been proud to be black, quite frankly because I never had any reasons to be, and this alongside my general appearance has plagued me for most of my teenage life – to the point where I feel suicide may be my only way out. Some people(especially of non-black races) probably won’t understand this because their daily experience is so much more pleasant than mine.
Especially now in college, I can’t count how many people whites/asians/indians have treated me completely differently from my friends because I’m black. It’s very subtle of course.. not being invited to meals/study sessions, not being referred to in conversations and CONSTANTLY being referred to with respect to my race(I’m always the black friend and not just the friend). It doesn’t help that girls are almost exclusively attracted to members of lighter-skinned races, and due to this I’ve never had a girlfriend/love partner, despite being fit/intelligent/well-spoken/kind.
Of course, the day-to-day experience isn’t so unbearable – if you selected any given day of my life that I wasn’t overly depressed/suicidal – you’d be convinced I’m fine.
The problem is that these things add up over time.. Missing certain experiences, not meeting certain people, losing certain opportunities – and just walking around knowing that you’re living so miserably amongst people whom were merely lucky enough to not be birthed into your race. It pains me that the only opportunity I have to experience this war was so doomed from the beginning. I just hope I can find the power to disregard the feelings of my family/peers just end this someday.
To experience this *world
Read my poetry and you will be just fine 😉
Why not go for plastic surgery instead of mutilating your face like that?
There is a problem to behave in this manner.