Here I am, sitting here in my dorm with the light out. The sun is going down, soon there will only be darkness in my room. There is a concert going on and if I go, I will have a panic attack.
I don’t have a roommate because we didn’t get along. Who am I able to get along with? I really want to know. Every social situation has my stomach in knots. My palms saturated in sweat. My stomach a mess.
I have never felt truly suicidal until I came to college. I’ve dealt with depression since I was about 12 or 13, but turning 18 and coming to college sent me spiraling out of control. I want to take so many of my pills that I will be gone in an instant.
I’m so sick of this. So sick of not having friends, yet not wanting any because a social situation makes me feel like I’ve run a marathon.
I’m such a loser. Plain and simple.
4 comments
You will have to endure college, and create your comfort zone.
I feel fine among people, despite spending 23 hours alone per day, but they still hurt me, because i became sensitive to many things they say and do, and i almost can’t interact with people anymore.
What can i say… “hold my hand and let’s go for a walk”
Thank you, that helps me as well. I feel the same way about people. They really, really scare me.
The exact same thing has happened and is happening to me too. I cam to university with the hope of being able to start a new chapter in my life, find friends for once and having lotsa fun. Turned out I got suicidal cause I stayed at home alone, didn’t go to lectures or do any other activities. Last semester I went to university for the first two or three lectures and for exams. The rest was just lonliness and playing online games.
By now I’ve accepted that I won’t find any new friends and that I’ll be a stay-at-home nerd gamer. My life isn’t nice but at least I no longer have to live with the self-hatred and pricking conscience every single day. I can only recommend you to accept who you are and not be angry at yourself every single day for the missed chances and mistakes you might have done.
Thank you so much for that.
That there is my life. Online games, basically only going to class sometimes and for exams. My life is falling apart. I cut again.
My life will never be nice or “normal” to society. But maybe I can find my own happiness. Just maybe.