This morning I found myself clutching my wrist. There was a bag of razors in the bathroom, my dad was watchin tv, it wouldn’t have been hard to just end it all right there. I dont want to kill myself, I want to be killed. I pray for someone to just run me over, to get my kidnapped by terrorists and shot in the head. I want someone to just do me a favor. Am I being selfish for wanting to leave my family? Do people on this earth really need me or am I just flattering myself? I just dont know anymore. I give up…
In my dreams, every night, I am back at school (it’s been nearly 10 years.) There, all my defences crumble, and I am confronted with my deepest fears. My peers can finally treat me with the contempt I deserve. No need to hide how pathetic, repulsive, or worthless I am. None of the kindness or tact that you find in real life. Everyone is completely callous, if not actively malevolent. I am an other, an outsider, to be sneered at, laughed at, and rejected. Everyone is against me, and I am powerless to escape or change the situation. Even the teachers despise me – I am constantly having arguments with them. I am utterly alone, in a world that sees me as vermin. And then I wake up, drenched in sweat. A great way to start each day.
Over the course of the morning, my mental defences gradually reassert themselves. I remember that people can be compassionate and caring as well as hostile and cruel. I recall that I have some power over what I do with my life, and where I spend my time. That there are things in this world that I love, and not everything is an opportunity to expose and humiliate myself. And that none of it really matters anyway, since this world and everyone in it will soon be gone.
The feeling of dread gets pushed back under the surface. But I think it probably plays a large role in why I find it so hard to get to sleep to begin with. A subconscious part of me knows what’s coming, and desperately clings to the waking world. It doesn’t want to return to a place where I’m so utterly powerless, alone, and surrounded by hatred. Without wanting to sound dramatic, I think being trapped there indefinitely would be a certain kind of hell.
Anyway, here’s a song with a vaguely topical title. I’m off to get some breakfast. Enjoy.
Fuck this world ! Fuck its creator! Fuck this reality !! None of us asked to be here !! We only die when we have something to live for but you can go all ur life jus wanting the peace of death nd will never get it !!! So fuck this world cant wait for it to blow up!!! #wherethefuckisarmageden
I’m fucking drink with less than honorable intentions. Time to get romantic.
So kick back.
Take a sippy sip.
And get wooed.
I’ll keep it cut to three unless someone digging n wanting more. Whom I kidding, us always need a Lil more huh.
To Airrie. To IamABuilding. To vho. To Soco. To Iwantpeace2.
To joeld. To AnnieBear. To Raven. To Fantajin. To Nathaniel_Morisawa.
To into_the_sky. To rivets. To butterfly1123. To whiskered-fish. To those I missed.
To ALL of you.
I urge you to watch this documentary. No, I am not here to “save” you.
I don’t come here with false promises or magic potions. All I have is me.
I am HERE4UOK.
I just want you to be more aware, more informed, to feel encouraged a little. Maybe. For a moment even. In a positive way.
Don’t let the tunnel vision of entrapment, the wall of people and circumstances around you, block your view of what’s out there.
And what’s out there, out here, is both negative and positive, yes, but I guarantee you, there is more good than bad.
So why do I volunteer in suicide-related support groups? I am no professional therapist. I’m no Psychiatrist or Psychologist, no “shrink”. So why? I’m just me. A father. A son. A brother. A husband. A friend. An acquaintance. A neighbor…
Still why? Well, I love life. I love people. Why? I chose to.
Please do not confuse your desire, your need for pain to end, for your struggles to go away, with wanting to end your life.
You’ve read or heard this before:“To end one’s life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
Cliché? Yes. But true. So true.
Feel like chatting? Just remember, who am I? I’m HERE4UOK
suesyd . nomore at gmail . co m
1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
0800 068 41 41
It’s a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
Línea de Intervención en crisis: 01800- 290- 00- 24
De joven a joven: 01800- 713- 43- 53
Today I tried taking my life, i left home after greeting my wife and kids, having them believe that i was off to work. Instead i had planned to go to the river pop as many pills as possible and pass out. I threw up everything. Not deterred, i pulled out a knife and started cutting at myself, the blade was too dull, now imagine the feeling of being cut without actually bleeding, hurts like a ************. Still undeterred, i went home, locked myself away in a room and proceeded to beat the living hell out of myself…(picture fight club). I passed out, and when i awoke, i was still breathing. Why the hell am i not dying. When things got really bleak i asked my wife if she would end my life for me. Of course that was met with “you need help”.
So Now out of options, i dont know what to do. I have no strength to get up in the morning for work, Not to mention my face looks like a warzone. Im in a catch 22, i have not left this room as i dont want my kids to see my face, i have to leave to go to work as well.
I feel like screaming but the sound wont come out. I feel like im drowning in my own skin and that im a selfish bastard for feeling this way.
Will it ever end…………..
Maybe i should just come clean with my boss, “Im battling heavy depression and over the past two days Including my Birthday) i have attempted no less than 5 different ways of killing myself”. How would that conversation go? “im sorry you cant depend on me as i dont know when ill succeed”
That would be the right thing to do, however, my wise wife points out that I need the job if im still alive.
Im lost and stuck and my attempt at beating the shit out of myself was a result of wanting my outside to mirror what im feeling inside.
I’m not wanting anyone to say stop. I’m standing on the chair in the basement of my house. I have paracord tied securely to the steel beams of the house. A noose around my neck. Smoking my favorite cigarette. With a Guinness and a tall drink of jameson.
FUCK IT. IM GONE.
I been cutting again I dont know why I thought I stoped but all of a sudden the razor blade was in my hand and I mad three small cuts no biggie. but becuase my body was acting before my brain I cut deep I was wearing a cardigan and I soaked the inside of it with blood . today I woke up to the devil yelling again Im shit Im lazy worthless I using her for money I am taking advantage her ……..I dont want me kids to be them wich I never said out of my mouth only on sp so What the fuck ….. So i made very tiny cuts on my wrist so it won’t pull any attention to it …but again with out realizing I kept digging and digging with the conner of the razor over and over again . I have six cuts now ….I dont why Im writing this I am going to get very good adviceand I know I am not going to listen to it .
I havent talked to any of my family my brothers sister my sister inlaws my parents . there all made me for not calling but a phone wprks to fucking ways . I am miserable worthless human being and I am made of shit whiley husband mother wouldn’t stop yell all morning he did not say one one word ” I’ll stop her” he said all lies he agrees with them Im lazy un kept dirty shit garbage no good for nothing hard luck …and maybe there right how can I be wrong when there all right . I want to write lazy and work harder into my skin . I thought he would have noticed the cuts from before on my thigh or on my arm but he doesn’t.. just sex and sleep thats all it is no care if im ok or not no one irl dose my parents have there own agendas for wanting me Home Im just wothless and shit and the reasons to everybody problems I should be dead .
I am all alone and I am going to be foever…if I have kids I know I will lose them to these people U will no longer be needed I HAVE NO RIGHTS TO THEM . and thats how it will be I want to die please just let me die
Given that death is inevitable for all, the pertinent question would seem to be: what do I want to do in whatever time is left.
There are things that I would like to do in my remaining time. But none of them are tangible, based in my real life. They require me to be other than I am. And I do not know how to be other than I am. I do not know how to give up being myself. I am addicted to it. Attached to it. Neurosis, unhappiness, unease is the way I define my reality. I cannot give it up. I cannot accept the world as it is. I cannot accept myself in it. Doing so strips away all meaning, and I am left with nothing.
It’s hard to explain. It doesn’t make any sense. But I am in the position of wanting nothing more than not to feel as I do, or be as I am (angry, isolated, anxious, selfish, narcissistic, childish, full of shame, regret, & fear). Yet simultaneously feeling unwilling to give up those feelings, or that self that I hate.
Lately I can’t stop feeling like this world is such a difficult place to be in. Obviously, it is, for like 90% of people. But, when I say it, I think so deeply about it. The overpopulation, unemployment, homelessness- so many good and intelligent people with no place to sleep, let alone work. And then I am here. Not necessarily privileged, but certainly more than many, having had a good education, enough money, and a place to live. Is that fair? Do I deserve what so many people could only dream to have.
I complain about this life, my life, and I can’t stop the misery I get from it. But the majority of my misery comes from realising how hard others have it, and how I can’t do a thing about it. Then I get to the realisation that I am nobody. In 100 years time, my generation will be gone. My parents, grandparents, will be completely forgotten. If I ever have children, they’ll most likely also be gone.
You might be thinking “100 years is a long time”, but think of it in the grand scheme of things. The billions of years the earth has been here, and how many billions more it will continue (although I am pretty sure humanity will be wiped out, look at how fast we use the earths resources!), so, 100 years, really is nothing.
Furthermore, those who get noticed are the worst kinds of people. Hitler, for example. Sure, there are many scientists and other people we remember for many years, and will be remembered in many years to come. Some of us will make history. Most of us, will be completely forgotten. Oblivion. I feel like so many people don’t realise this. They spend their whole lives trying to be somebody, and maybe they get there, it’s not impossible. BUT, again, in 100 years, a blip in the universe’ lifespan, we will be gone, and forgotten.
So, you gonna tell me “just live life as best you can, live it for yourself”. It’s so hard when you actually realise how much of a nobody you really are. I don’t desire to be remembered, I want to be forgotten, I don’t mind it. I accept it. What I don’t accept is that my life is “worth it”. If I died tomorrow, many people would care. People would cry, people would be angry at God or whoever, but does it really matter? It’s difficult when a loved one dies, and what is keeping me here is the fact that I’d make the rest of my families lives miserable by not being here, but I also know it generally wouldn’t really matter. For them, it would, but thousands of people die a day, the universe doesn’t notice. It keeps turning.
This revelation has me stuck. Some days I have no desire to get out of bed. Attend classes, even wash myself. Because I feel nothing I do matters. The world is a game of natural selection, it’s not just for animals. Sure, its not “kill or be killed”, but it’s definitely the strongest survive. What’s wrong with me wanting to take myself out of the equation? It’s not because I am sad, (I get depressed, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I wan’t to die because of it), but because I am taking up this worlds valuable resources and money, by just being alive- when in years to come, I’ll be bones in a casket.
Gosh, this is so depressing! I’m probably really not helping anybody here! I don’t want to, I just need to get it out of my system, because if I explained this to anybody, they’d probably lock me away! But if they really listened to what I am saying, I think they’d see that its the truth. Our lifespan is just a blip on the universes lifespan. Whether we die months old or 90 years old. The lifetime is barely anything. So, really, I am not going to be anybody, I’m okay with that, but that’s how I see the world.
I wish I could tell the people closest to me that I want to end it all.. I wish someone would say: “It’s okay, you can let go.”
I just want to end the pain, the sadness, the constant voice in my head saying that I’m not good enough for anyone or anything.
Last night I was told that nobody will ever love me. I believed that I was destined for love. Now I don’t believe in it anymore.
Does it make me a sinner for wanting to die??
Heh, I can’t even write anymore. One thought seems to take a minute now. My thoughts and actions are as fast as a 100-year-old when I’m only a quarter that age…
Oh well, never understood the point of living, to be honest. All these feelings and sensations are just symbols of vanity to my apathetic mind. Besides, I don’t really give a damn if the next president is a woman or Neo-Hitler. Although, it will be much easier to get rid of this Hitler compared to the first one. Humanity will destroy itself regardless of method. That is their fate. Unless humanity can develop something to turn me intangible and weightless, I don’t care what happens the next 75 years. Cyborg bodies, self-driving cars, faster travel… None of that stuff interests me.
I should be writing a 2,500 word essay right now but I can’t even force myself to type up the notes I wrote earlier… Fuck my mind! If I can become a demon, I want to be something cute like a fox demon or a youthful incubus… Wtf is up with my mind and wanting to have animal ears on my head or a devil tail!? I’m already a guy that looks like he is a 14-16-year-old boy… *blinks* Why is it that I have a feeling I would be popular with females if I didn’t have a dark personality and depression?
I know you guys have been listening to my bullshit about my ex for quite some time. I finally made a huge step in parting ways with him. I guess I have had enough… enough wanting him… enough trying to be his friend…
We just need to be done with each other.
I can’t even put into words how hard this is/was….
Thank you to everyone here that gave me advice and would listen to my rants.
The friend I got to know with a mutual fetish and I ended up really liking beyond. I don’t know what kind of relationship it was. More then a platonic friendship, yet no serious commintment.
I guess it is my fault that I love him. Him for showing me something caring, sensual and loving without wanting to get into my pants.
He broke it to me a week ago. When we saw us first and had a lovely day together and wanting to repeat it some time later he actually saw another one. A real, biological woman and not just some wannabe.
He said he was sorry that he lied to me for 2.5 years of pushing me away on purpose to not see him yet still flirted with me in skype Chats and Messages.
I don’t blame him for wanting a real woman, and something much closer to him. We live about 200km apart from eachother but we could’ve met. And we did. We met a few months ago. We had a good time talking but he pushed me away physically… he said it was just the long tip by car and one traffic jam after another.
As much as I understand him I can’t help to feel I was just an adventure… something odd and curious that you end up not liking and keep out of your life.
I don’t know how to feel, it hurt. But it seems it just added to the chilling emtpiness inside.
I forgave him but don’t know if I want to get a get too close again.
Admittingly… I guess I’ll be never be more then an adventure and love, as it is protrait, will never really be something to expierence.
Thanks for reading
I lost my house today
I lost a friend
I had a smoke
and now I have a empty heart ,mind ,body &soul
I fear the feeling of nothingness and I’m now lying here with the nothingness that I’m afraid to stay awake but yet more terrified to sleep as I’m not wanting to wake . I fear the dissapointment ,the heartache, the miss leading throughts . I fear myself and well being.
I fear being me …
God I was hoping I wouldn’t have to get this out, but it occupies my thoughts every single day so I have to do something about it. I suffer from social anxiety, which helps me on making friends (ha sarcasm) but I really want to meet new people, and I try SO hard.When I do try to strike up a conversation people just look at me weird and laugh! I’m even nice to people but they treat me like I’m garbage, or a mat to walk all over on.Why even try! I have a few friends, but they don’t know me. They don’t know what I like, what I do, or how I feel since they go on about their life and when I try to include myself they ignore the fact and not give a shit about me. Am I being selfish for wanting people to know of my existence?! I’ve just given up since I’m destined to die alone, I mean who’s really gonna miss a ugly,confused, teenager girl right? I’ll just make more room in this world for pretty popular girls if I do. Forgive me I’m being a loser like always.
This is my first post on this website and I’m not usually the type of person who does that but I have no one left in my life to talk to so I guess I’m turning to you guys…. Anyways, the past few months have been pretty hard I went on an exchange in Italy which turned out to be the worst experience of my life because the family I stayed with was yelling at me and insulting me the whole time… So I came back home way earlier than I should have and that’s where everything started. This exchange completely destroyed me I had so many expectations and it was my dream so when I came home I took it as a failure and I feel into a depression, eating disorder and anxiety problems…. Then after that I had to switch schools and I had no friends there and then when my parents realized I was miserable there I transferred to my old school and now I can’t pass any exams because I missed too much school. My spirits have varied from happy to wanting to kill myself very often in the past few months and my entourage seems to be giving up on me. My brother can’t stand me anymore and my parents are tired of me feeling all the time. Tonight I really thought it was the end I really wanted to just end it since I have nothing to live for but I didn’t something kept me from doing it I guess I was afraid or something….
I don’t know if anyone is going to read this but if someone does thanks it means a lot
I didn’t realise how broken my 5 year old nephew is he sat on the middle of the road wanting to be ran over because he said he felt so alone I ran across the road we both nearly got run over by a van we both cried and I realised if he was to kill himself I would follow straight after. I don’t want to die anymore and leave him in this world to suffer alone he told me I’m the only person he had last night he had a nightmare that me and him were the only ones alive and everyone else were zombies and we were running from them. I didn’t realise how broken he is :'( I would rather suffer and deal with the shit and drama of my family than leave him alone I don’t think I can bear him suffering bad enough he has to deal with his parents drama. I don’t want to die anymore
? Show quoted text
Well I’ve been on this site a couple of times now and I have been wanting to join for a while.
I have noticed how so many people are hurting and I honestly can empathize with some.
I hope I can share my story with you guys someday. (I’m not sure I’m ready right now)
Anyways, I really wish you guys the best of luck with whatever your going through <3
It’s your typical existential thought but I think there is a perspective that no one has pointed out. All the good in the world and everything that people consider good is true by their own standards. Humans only have self justification and nothing else. Those who judge suicidal people and think we are wrong for thinking like that dont really have anyway knowing that we are wrong.
For all we know, wanting to end your life is the best thing one can do