Help.

Ever since I was 4 years old I’ve been completely alone. I never really took the the prospects of making friends, and my parents are often traveling and working. My life in high school is mostly me sitting around in a dark house doing homework. Something has been seriously disturbing me lately however. Until now, I never minded the loneliness; instead, bottled it up and stored it as tears. Tears that trickled down the sides of my heart and cut tears in them, shattering my consciousness. This year I sincerely believe I require mental help, but I will get none: my parents don’t care, and I have no warmth in my life. I once had a girlfriend though. I thought she cared about me and I told her all about myself- essentially what I am trying to paraphrase here. I believed in her and entrusted her self secrets- secrets which could harm me if they ever came out. I enjoyed 1 full year of conceived love. It was quite honestly the most beautiful thing I had felt. To finally have someone you could collapse into when you felt miserable and someone who would help you fly when you wished to fall. For the first time, I appeared at a school dance, expecting the worst. But even I had it wrong. I saw two conjoined silhouettes in the distance when I appeared. I stepped closer to see the girl. She was my girlfriend. He was the only guy I thought was nice in the school. For five long seconds I stared in confusion. Then I ran. I ran home and cried for eternity. The next day I cursed her openly for cheating on me. She could have at least told me until then. She had months. But she didn’t. Then came the worst. She told what seemed like everyone I had class with about my cutting. I didn’t show up to school for a couple days, and the cutting, ironically, worsened. I was glad to leave middle school. Now I’m in high school. I’ve failed again. The girl I like is not interested in helping nor comforting me. In fact, I doubt she even cares. She might even be scared of me. Worse for me, she likes another guy. I’ve suffered 10 long years of chasing and getting over it, then chasing again. I can’t keep myself together anymore. Cutting has reached a point where it stopped helping. Even though the high alleviates it, my middle school scars make me feel even worse afterwards. I currently have no friends (Being a guy myself, I think guys are actually really idiotic as far a high school goes. They run around, play sports, fail school, then whip their blonde hair and all the girls flock to them. This includes the girl I like.) why is it that they decide the persons character within less than 10 seconds of seeing them. Hell I don’t want a girlfriend for anything physical, I just need warmth. A warmth that was never meant to find me in this cold, cold world.