Love to me is the look in my families eyes, my Mothers regrets and pain stab me through my Iris and cut through my heart when I glimpse into her aura. Bipolar has take over the family since the beginning, and my family still wonder why they are all so confused yet so content. I cannot lie to another, it burns my soul if I have to deceive another.
Every day is a reminder of my childhood, sitting against the cold damp step, hugging the bricks hoping to generate bodily heat. Alone and cold. This was my earlier realisation coming into action. “I am alone in this world”…
People say I am beautiful, I think they are fake liars.
This world is full of hypocrisy and people who are fulfilled with being told lies and actually want to believe them.
I hate this world, I hate it all. My escape is my artwork and creativity.
Although I am searching for it, I never quite believe I will find it. Stability.
In fact, I may have one only way to find out.
2 comments
Hi there, Ending. I think that you are right about the world. There are a lot of hypocrites and a lot of people being filled by other people’s feedback. It’s a sad reality really because those people aren’t actually happy or complete. They are constantly searching for other people to make them feel good again. It’s a terrible existence. I know because I was one of them for a season. Never complete, always a void being filled by “people” but falling short of satisfaction. I’ve also been through bipolar disorder the majority of my life. I understand the ups that don’t actually make you happy–out of control prisons that look like joy. I understand the downs–being so lost in despair and darkness that all you can do is retreat inside yourself and feel sicker. You aren’t wrong about any of this. Insincere people will do more harm than good, especially when our equilibrium is thrown out of proportion and we just need love, not compliments. The fact is they are either 1) scared of what saying anything else would do to you or 2) so busy they don’t have the time to feel compassion and be real. On behalf of these people, I apologize.
I won’t do what they have done, but what I want to do is draw from what I know from your post. Unlike a lot of the people you have met, you know what love is. The kind that is real and penetrates even to the deepest part of your spirit. Not affection, not attraction, love. You get it. You care about family. You hurt for them. You love them. You also have integrity and high moral standards. You care about honesty and you know inside when something is not right–a quality many have lost or not cultivated in this day and age. You have also been gifted with artistic and creative abilities, which is not only evident in that you stated it, but in the eloquence and flow of your writing. I studied Literature and creative writing; I know a gift when I see it.
I don’t expect any of this to make you feel better. I expect you to be skeptical and want to either brush me off or lash out at more lies. What I hope, though, is that somewhere deep down it can at least give an example of what real caring is so that when someone in your day to day life exhibits it, you will open your heart to it and not stay in this place that is a scary downward spiral. I will tell you one more thing: stability truly is attainable, and not through decomposing in the ground. Stability is attainable in day to day life, even for those dealing with bipolar disorder, or any host or disorders for that matter. Inner peace, joy, and a fulfillment that does not come from others and yields true completeness can truly be found. I have full faith that you can find it too. You don’t have to be a zombie that feeds off of fake comments. You also don’t have to be unstable. You also don’t have to end it. You can be happy. I promise.
Hi there, Ending. I think that you are right about the world. There are a lot of hypocrites and a lot of people being filled by other people’s feedback. It’s a sad reality really because those people aren’t actually happy or complete. They are constantly searching for other people to make them feel good again. It’s a terrible existence. I know because I was one of them for a season. Never complete, always a void being filled by “people” but falling short of satisfaction. I’ve also been through bipolar disorder the majority of my life. I understand the ups that don’t actually make you happy–out of control prisons that look like joy. I understand the downs–being so lost in despair and darkness that all you can do is retreat inside yourself and feel sicker. You aren’t wrong about any of this. Insincere people will do more harm than good, especially when our equilibrium is thrown out of proportion and we just need love, not compliments. The fact is they are either 1) scared of what saying anything else would do to you or 2) so busy they don’t have the time to feel compassion and be real. On behalf of these people, I apologize.
I won’t do what they have done, but what I want to do is draw from what I know from your post. Unlike a lot of the people you have met, you know what love is. The kind that is real and penetrates even to the deepest part of your spirit. Not affection, not attraction, love. You get it. You care about family. You hurt for them. You love them. You also have integrity and high moral standards. You care about honesty and you know inside when something is not right–a quality many have lost or not cultivated in this day and age. You have also been gifted with artistic and creative abilities, which is not only evident in that you stated it, but in the eloquence and flow of your writing. I studied Literature and creative writing; I know a gift when I see it.
I don’t expect any of this to make you feel better. I expect you to be skeptical and want to either brush me off or lash out at more lies. What I hope, though, is that somewhere deep down it can at least give an example of what real caring is so that when someone in your day to day life exhibits it, you will open your heart to it and not stay in this place that is a scary downward spiral. I will tell you one more thing: stability truly is attainable, and not through decomposing in the ground. Stability is attainable in day to day life, even for those dealing with bipolar disorder, or any host or disorders for that matter. Inner peace, joy, and a fulfillment that does not come from others and yields true completeness can truly be found. I have full faith that you can find it too. You don’t have to be a zombie that feeds off of fake comments. You also don’t have to be unstable. You also don’t have to end it. You can be happy. I promise.