I hate Halloween, but it’s not what you think.

It was the straw that broke the camel’s back…I’ve had depression for years. 19 now, 18 last year…

And she was my best friend…And my girlfriend at the time…

And last year…She broke it off with no explanation. I didn’t cry, because I don’t cry, for some unfathomable reason.

We were friends for awhile, but I fucked that up. I was too…Clingy, I guess is the way to describe it. And I don’t even know why. I guess I just needed someone…I never told her about the depression; I thought it would drive her away.

But I drove her away anyway, because I never know what the fuck to do or say.

I fuck everything up. I’m a fucking failure. Want some computer help? I guess I’m the one to go to.

Beyond that, I’m a shell. Useless. A piece of fucking trash.

I don’t usually write like this, but this day is overwhelmingly sad for me, because we just became friends. And a few months after that is when I destroyed all semblance of anything left with my…Clingyness, I guess it is. Desperation, whatever you call it.

Because I’m a piece of shit. Useless. I can’t even walk around my college by my fucking self. I’m dumb as hell.

I deserve Death. I will embrace him when I get the tools in a few months to meet him. I will greet him like an old friend, like that character in the Deathly Hallows. I will leave everyone behind…My brother, who needs to help me with everything…He’ll be dancing the fucking victory dance when Death takes me. And…That’s all I got in my life, really. Fuck the shit show. Fuck life.

Happy Halloween. Hate Halloween. If I were young enough to wear costumes and do all that happy go lucky bullshit, if I were that carefree again, I’d dress up as a clock. With hands that went backward a million miles a minute. Back to the Big Bang. Haha, the Big Bang that started my existence, anyway. The Big Bang, 19 or so, 20, whatever, years ago. THAT Big Bang.

I feel ridiculous and silly for writing this whole sermon, because there’s so much more than this, and the overall point just seems silly.

Trick or treat. Give me something good to eat. Maybe a bullet, maybe a pill, maybe some poison from a snake from the Taipan genus (yes, I realize that’s very general).

Give me Death.