Note: I am still adding to this.
The last straw was pulled today. My boyfriend, who I love with my entire being and essence, left me because I am “weak” and “no one wants to be with a suicidal person”.
Now before you jump to the conclusion that I am a stupid dumb teenage ***** who doesn’t know what real pain is, let me tell you that yes, I do, in fact, know what real pain is. Real emotional pain. My pain stems from multiple branches – severe social anxiety, low self-esteem, self-hatred, countless bad experiences, and loneliness. These all intertwine with eachother, every item overwhelming me with the same thoughts and feelings: I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate my personality. Who and how I am is why I have nothing and no one. I will never be good enough for anyone or for society. I hate this eorld and almost everyone in it. They’re all the same. I won’t ever be able to make a friend or get a boyfriend in real life. People say that they care, but they don’t mean it. I am stupid. I am a failure. I am worthless. I am not meant for happiness, love, friends, or a good life in general. I don’t want to worry or be sad anymore. I am trapped. I want to escape these horrible feelings and this horrible world.
I am also effected physically by the items I listed.
5 comments
You shouldn’t generalize a whole group of people based on negative experiences. No amount of negative circumstances makes the certainty of positive circumstances impossible. In my opinion, your tenacious negative thought patterns and beliefs are distorting every aspect of your perception, which perpetuates all of these mental/emotional issues. I think by beginning to understand your negative mentality and the roots of it is when you’ll be able to recover from it and look at things objectively. Not to minimize your beliefs, they have valid reasons behind them, but overlooking the good in the world/people/life desensitizes you to it and leaves you in a cycle of cynicism and nihility.
I’m sorry your boyfriend left you, if he is so narrow minded and lacking that much empathy to leave you without trying to help you cope with your issues – then you’re much better off without him. I know you don’t want to hear it, but I think that eventually you’ll find another significant other that perhaps may be just as loving and caring as your prior one, only this time they will respect your issues and help you build a foundation for positive thoughts.
That being said, I’m in the same boat, I hate every aspect of me and I know how debilitating that can be, it cripples every aspect of your life – when the lens in which you perceive everything is “broken” it ruins everything that is experiences through that lens which is well, everything. I completely empathize. I wish you the best 🙂
I can understand your thoughts wink of dawn. Funny, I would, and often did, do anything for my last bf cuz I THOUGHT THE WORLD OF HIM. He was my angel and I miss him. I would go outta my way for him but he didn’t feel the same way. No one ever does with me so no point keeping on trying. May as well bow out and just suicide. Struggle should have a point but with me it doesn’t…it just leads to another nightmare so it’s a learnt experience and really, for me. just leads to the same old conclusion…suicide.
Every guy I’ve met has been better than me…every single one. No wonder I get treated so bad. Suicide is my constant partner….he will have his way…soon. I know what to do, how to do it and I have the strength to do it too. I know death, it’s stalked me since I was 17…36 years death has stalked me. All I wanted was to be treated and feel the same way I treated my beloved bf…that’s all.
Wow I could have written this, except I’m a guy 😛 What can I say, you’re not alone.
i feel the same way 🙁