It’s my first post there, so hello, I guess?
I need help with my boyfriend. More precisely, breaking up with him.
We’ve been together for almost 3 years if I recall correctly. It’s a long distance relationship.
There are few reasons why I don’t feel like dating him any longer;
- We’re completely different. Different things make us laugh, we think differently, we have different problems. He’s a massive pessimist, hates himself and the way he looks (had (has?) bulimia), talks about his problems a lot, is very complicated, hangs out with people, loves cuddling, drinking, smoking and drugs (never did any serious ones, only some meds and pot, I forced him to stop), he’s awfully sensitive, cuts himself, and he doesn’t really care about my problems or my mood (he doesn’t realize that I guess…). I used to be a bit like that before I started taking my meds but now… I’m more of a optimist/realist, I like the way I look (except my body, I’m ftm transsexual but i try not to think about it), I’m a simple minded and logical person, I don’t have friends and usually just sit in my room drawing all day, I don’t like talking about my feelings and dislike listening about others too much (sometimes it’s alright but hearing about him hating himself and his life everyday is just plain annoying), I don’t drink, hate smoking and drugs, I’m really not sensitive, and I don’t self harm anymore (used to a lot). I have to “listen” to his pessimist babble all day. He keeps saying that there’s no future for him, that his life sucks etc. Annoying.
- I don’t find him attractive. He’s transsexual as well and his female body grosses me out. Probably due to my own gender dysphoria. Because of this, I don’t want to engage in any sexual activities with him (I already did and I hated it. He doesn’t mind my body but I do. I still need to talk with him about it).
- He’s annoying. Talking to him annoys me. He’s irresponsible, doesn’t listen to me and prefers to get wasted instead of doing something to get better. Life’s hard on him, sure. His family is retarded and he can’t rely on them. They don’t believe that something such as mental illness could touch their child, they think he’s just lazy. He’s turning 18 in January and then I’ll make him seek medical help on his own.
I need help because I don’t know what to do. I’m not even sure if i want to break up with him but everything seems to be heading that way. The thing is, if I do that, he’ll just kill himself. He said many times already that if it wasn’t me, he’d become a massive drug and alcohol addict and then kill himself, besides, he has few suicide attempts behind him. He didn’t say that to threaten me, he just loves me. He keeps telling me that and I know it.
He’s the only one I have and yet, I’m sick of him.