Ever since I was little I dealt with a tumultuous relationship between my mom, my dad and my brothers. I’ve been abused my whole life. I use sex as a way to feel loved. I’ve had over 15 sex partners and I’m not even 18. I hate my brother most of all. He rubs his achievements in my face like he’s better than me. He makes fun of me cuz I had to stay back my freshman year of high school. I do recreational drugs to numb how I feel. But sometimes, I just want to die. I don’t want to feel anything anymore and I just want someone to love me so I don’t have to hurt myself on the outside because I hate what’s on the inside. I need help.
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We all have our own ways of making ourselves feel loved/needed /appreciated by others. Much of the time it is self destructive. So i cast no judgement, especially if you are not harming others along the way. You are aware of the underlying issues that drive you to your actions, so i must ask why you have a need to manifest them in this way. You know sex does not equal love. And drugs just numb the pain, drugs don’t make the challenge that creates the pain go away. Everyone excels in their own ways. Why care about comparing between your brother and you. Horses and birds do not share many similarities but are both great in their own ways. No need to waste life worrying about that. As far as hating what is on the inside. Why do you?
Yo are a worthwhile person. You just got a bad lot in life buy being born into a family that did not show you proper love and did not raise you properly. Many of us have that problem.
But turning to lots of sex and booze is not the answer to the problems you are facing. They will probably just make matters worse. If you can see if there is another place where you can stay… some other relatives or some other living situation. and dont take the words your brother says to you personally. A lot of young guys sometimes think they are better then others and put other people down….. they are immature people. Dont let that immaturity inder you from seeing what is good in you. Find something that you are passionate about. Maybe a career and they try to get any schooling you may need to get there.
Focus your energy on positive things. Dont let anybody bring you down
“Don’t let anybody bring you down”. Easier said than done. I’m completely decimated by the rotten undeserved treatment I’ve received. It’s a major factor in my drive for deliverance and it will not change.
AngelaMarie,
Uptown234 and OnlyLOVEisReal both offer great advice. It’s unfortunate that your family situation is what it is, but it doesn’t have to dictate your life’s path.
As for your brother’s accomplishments and your being held back for one year, those things are unimportant. Find your own passions and interests and your own area(s) to excel in life.
It’s a positive sign that you realize some of the ways in which you have tried to cope with your feelings are not healthy. You closed your post with the words “I need help” – and it is definitely out there if you seek it. Best wishes.
L4Y