My children 17 & 15 really don’t want anything to do with me since there father & I separated. I had to leave him to save my sanity but now I’m thinking maybe I should have stayed for my children. My X is very heartless & has told the children lies about me. I don’t tell them anything about what there father has done to me during the marriage. I don’t think that would be right. As I watch them pull away from me, I’ve become very depressed & distant. They have always been my world & I adore them but I’m hurting so bad. I think about just removing myself from their lives often….it hurts so bad. Most days I wish I would just leave this world but at the same time I don’t want to hurt them. I’m not even sure if it would affect them that much. I lost my mother when I was young & ive endured so much hurt about that. I don’t want to do that to my kids but at the same time, I’m hurting so bad!! I am a lost soul!!
This isn’t a very important question, I’m just wondering, how old are you guys? I’m 15 and a sophomore in high school, I’ll be 16 on June 25
Well I never thought I’d see today honestly. I wish I didn’t have to. Actually I didn’t have to, so I don’t know what the hell I’m complaining for. Every day I think about ending it, and every day I don’t do it; just wish and hope that I could die.
As I take a deep breath and everybody says “Make a wish” , I think about how ignorant they really are. They would regret saying “I hope your wish comes true!”. Wishes don’t come true anyway, well not for people like me at least.
So why then, why not just get it over with? The one and only thing holding me back is the fear of not succeeding and the repercussions that come after a failed attempt. I should be worried about hurting my family or people that claim to actually care about me, but I’m not because I’m selfish that way.
Nothing in this world affects me like it used to, like it should. I don’t care anymore.. and I want to leave this world because I’ve fallen into the hole within myself and I’m terrified to see how far down it goes. I’m terrified of the person I see myself becoming, and I don’t wanna go there..
A shame it couldn’t be on a Saturday or something. Maybe I’ll pretend like it’s Saturday night anyway. Cheers. Happy Fucking Birthday to me.
I’ve seriously had to think about jumping or hanging myself at work or jumping in front of a train because this is such bullshit and I’m getting abused on top of it. My job’s become unbearable because of the coworker who’s decided to have a problem with me and trying to get rid of me. Well yeah it’s fucking working. She’s been lying and complaining about me to the boss saying I stink, that I’ve filled the coffee pot with my coffee mug that I drank out of, that I fart and burp the whole day at work, and that I don’t shower and smell like shit. And she’s done this incessantly for the last couple of months and she got in my face Friday and accused me of bringing diseases in there and trying to get her sick on purpose, and said that I opened the window all the way (no like 2-3 inches isn’t all the way) to make her sick on purpose (I was having a hot flash), and accused me of coughing over top of her when we sit like 15 feet apart at opposite ends of the office and I hadn’t even coughed at all at that point. Then the boss had a videoconference with us for like 3 hours, and things got even worse. I was basically told that everything is my fault and I need to better my health so that I don’t have hot flashes or any other problems that would disturb others and I need to appease my coworker. Because, get this. Something was said that was something along the lines of, that white people who work in an office with black people just don’t realize that everything we do and say is malicious towards them and said and done to make the black people feel like they’re less than. And that’s really hurt me and shocked me because that was like the last thing I ever expected to hear, first of all, because I don’t treat people badly and if anything I bend over backwards way too fucking much for every god damn person on earth, and I sure as fuck know my place on earth is to be below all 7.8billion other people on earth and that I rank ABSOLUTELY LAST in this world so I don’t understand how in the fuck I have an ego problem and am demeaning anyone?!? So the only way I can fucking process that at all is that I’m always in the wrong and I’m always going to be SHIT because I’m white. Well fuck! How the fuck am I supposed to react to that?!?! So now I feel like it’s a hostile work environment and I want nothing more than to get the fuck out. I WISH I could fucking quit, but my 1st job doesn’t even cover the rent I agreed to pay, so it’s not possible to just quit. I don’t have the fancy clothes let alone master’s degree or 15 yrs experience to get any of the “entry level” jobs out there not even customer service or data entry will take me unless I were 25 or younger and just got my master’s degree but also had 15 years paid work experience to claim. And something else was said that really hurt me too. This comes from having posted on Facebook about how bad my situation is now because I could literally end up in prison over having fucking worked for the first time in my life, so yeah, fuck my again for trying to get my head above water! But from both jobs I owe a shit ton in taxes. Because it really is that my first job is so few hours that I don’t make enough to have any tax taken out so I owe that all in one lump sum and then I owe half of what I made through the 2nd job as self employment tax when we were told to not worry because our bosses made $26k & $38k as self employed and didn’t owe a dime of tax so rest assured we’re not going to owe a penny of the $3k we will make. Well that’s fucking bullshit because I owe $1200 and the government can charge me nearly $300 more just for being low income. And I have no way to do anything about it because the people who did my taxes told me it would be simple to sign up online for a payment plan and the IRS site locks me out every time and won’t let me sign up which means I can only fucking wait for the government to come after me!!!! I WISH THEY’D FUCKING COME AFTER ME AND KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m disabled, marginally & by the skin of my teeth a hair above being homeless, and THIS is the shit I get for trying to WORK MY ASS OFF to get to a better place in life?!?!? SO what was said was that my boss said I was causing problems because I’m “upset that I have to pay a bill” which makes me feel belittled by my boss and really like I’ve been duped and used. I WANT OUT!!! But yeah I can’t quit. Then they both – my boss and coworker got into a little conversation about how (coworker) “Oh I don’t need this job, this isn’t the end all be all, this is just a stepping stone” and (boss) “Yes this place is just supposed to be a stepping stone and was never meant to be a full time job”. But my coworker is a lying ***** who called me a liar when I tried to tell the truth on her and tell my boss that she doesn’t do shit but talk on the phone, take selfies, play games on her ipad, and blare music in her ears and she gets paid to fucking do that?!? But in the end I’m ultimately wrong and I’m the liar so whatever the **** says about me to my boss, my boss is going to believe and take her side. There’s no fucking sense in this shit, being in debt and in danger of going to prison over having two jobs that only add up to 20 hrs of paid time a week and to be lied about constantly and have my coworker in my face yelling and screaming and being hostile and violent towards me while I’m trying to work!!! Tell me how the fuck is this right?!?! I wish I had the guts to jump out the window. You think someone who’s 360 lbs would die from an 8 story jump? If the building were right over a body of water I could do it, but I’m too much of a ***** to jump to concrete. I could hang myself in the stairwell maybe but I’ve read too much about how fat people can’t hang themselves either. I could just as well in the basement where I’m living which would be really hard to do considering that I’m 5’5″ and my head nearly touches the ceiling. But it is a place with solid support beams that I could access and lock the door from the inside, to which no one here has a key, and be able to kill myself overnight sometime if I had the way to do it. I’m so fucking sick of this shit!!!!!!
Only way I could find the pics lol but they are so cool its a old psychiatric hospital in my country not too far from where I live my brother broke into when he was 15 and was really traumatized saying he could here the screams of the old patients O-O so I thought I should look this shit up. :3 the pics are really cool no not mine some photographers.
I decided last night to sleep on it and I’ve decided, I think today is the day. Thank you all for just being here; it was nice to be able to talk about my feelings somewhere.
I’m afraid but I know what I have to do. I’m only 15 and I know I am missing important things in my potential future but I can’t care anymore. I am most sorry about the scene this will cause and the people I’ll be hurting, but I just don’t want to live anymore and they’ve got to realize it’s for the best.
I hope all of you feel better, you all deserve happiness and I hope you find it. I’ll post again if I botch this but if not, I just want to say thanks and I’m sorry.
Today I looked back at the times when I was moments away from killing myself and I remember there was something telling me not to, that pesky survival instinct or “will to live” all humans have. I was thinking about my attempt planned for this summer and I asked myself why I set such an arbitrary time frame. That’s when I realized it wasn’t arbitrary, it was so I could use a shotgun that I don’t have access to until then. Which brought into question why I didn’t plan my attempt around the hundreds of other ways I could kill myself before that. Survival instinct has nothing to do with why I couldn’t kill myself in the past and why I’m waiting until summer to kill myself, the real reason is that I’m afraid to live. I could drive 15 minutes to a city that I live close to that has a bridge which is presumably high enough to jump off of and die, but it’s the “presumably” part that keeps me from hopping in my car and going there. I can’t accurately predict whether or not that fall will kill me and I don’t want to take the chance that I’ll surface from the water and still be alive. I’m still on the fence about the shotgun too but statistically speaking it has one of the highest mortality rates, leaving room for error, don’t quote me on this but it has something like a 95% chance of producing my desired results when aimed through the mouth and towards the rear of the brain. Like I said it’s the 5% percent chance I’ll still be alive that scares me, not the 95% chance that I’ll die. So I actually find it funny how I’ve lost the will to live yet I can’t bring myself to try anything that won’t kill me.
I had to go to college today. I was in from 1 to 5. It was the same lesson for the entire four hours, so it wasn’t as stressful as when classes switch. I was stuck on a table with the whole class (it’s small, only 10 of us and all girls), so my anxiety and paranoia was almost unbearable.
After meeting with my personal tutor yesterday, I’m allowed to leave lessons whenever I need to for as long as I need to. I wanted to every minute of class, but my anxiety stopped me and so did the fact that I knew I would just leave altogether. We have a 15 minute break at 4, so I stayed in class to compose myself. Obviously it didn’t work.
The Angels slowly started to calm down at around 2:30, and there were only a handful yelling at me as opposed to too many to count. The shadow people kept coming back, and body parts on everyone kept changing. I managed to avoid embarrassing myself and didn’t grab for someone’s hair, even though it was made of beetles and worms.
After break everything got worse. A girl in my class is doing Angels and Demons for her work, and everyone started talking about them. Of course, the Angels flared up and became unbearable. I did no work and refused to talk or look at anyone. I almost had a panic attack, but my tutor said we were leaving 10 minutes early. I packed my stuff and literally ran down 7 floors (14 set of stairs, but surprisingly I wasn’t out of breath at the bottom).
Since getting home the Angels aren’t as bad, and there’s only a few still going on. The shadow people are still here, and the other voices are coming back again, but I’m coping with this right now. My evening is turning out the same as my morning – not many voices and figures, gradually getting worse.
Basically my entire day has been horrible, and I have to repeat it as I have to go in tomorrow. Great. On the plus side: I got my braces off this morning.
I tried making an audio post so you could hear something I wrote a few years ago.
I can’t get the audio post to work right.
I chose “audio” as the format.
I clicked on “add media” and uploaded the sound file.
I clicked on “preview” to make sure it would work.
Keeps saying “File Not Found”.
I tried the whole thing again, deleting the sound file, deleting the post draft.
Tried all over again.
Chose audio format.
Uploaded the file.
Clicked on Preview.
Nothing. It just keeps saying “File not found”.
WHAT am I doing wrong???
The file’s only 15.5 KB, so it’s well below the 8MB limit.
It’s in MIDI format.
I’ve just spent 30 minutes trying to post a comment. I kept getting logged out every time I attempted to post and then my password was not accepted so I had a new password sent to my email and logged in again. Still could not post a comment so I rebooted my PC and logged in again and attempted to post again over and over and then got a pop up message saying I was posting too many comments too quickly. I can not see any of my comments in the normal view or the pending section. So I’ll post my comment to the Prozac Nation post here.
I was attempting to post this:
Antidepressants can take months before you see any improvement and some people will feel worse and experience more severe suicidal thoughts before they begin to experience any benefit. I was on antidepressants for over 15 years and was constantly changed when I got no benefit. I have been prescribed over 50 different types of antidepressant, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic drugs which included Prozac.
The active pharmaceutical ingredient in Prozac is fluoxetine hydrochloride, a chemical compound containing fluoride. If you look online there are many conspiracy theories about fluoride. It is suggested that the governments of western countries have faked the benefit of fluoride on peoples teeth and that the fluoride has proven effects of sedating people and making them more tolerant and compliant when being controlled.
Fluoride is highly toxic and is the ingredient in rat poison but our governments say it is a benefit to us in small doses. Personally I don’t like the idea of ingesting fluoride but you should make your own decision based on your own research. There is much independent research online. I’d be cautious of government studies.
I sit here crying as I watch beside me my little girl dying before my eyes.
She is shaking with either fear or anxiety.
She bearly eats anything and is so skinny.
She sleeps all day just waiting to die.
I can feel the life force slipping away from her.
The spark has long gone and now she just goes through the motions.
She feels how I feel. I feel how she feels.
Its hard to tell when it will happen, but I say to her it is ok you can go now,
because I don’t want to see her suffer anymore.
She has had a really good life. She made it to 15 which is good for a dog.
I lost her mother last year. She was 16.
When you don’t have children they are like your children and its very sad to lose them,
actually its quite gut wrenching. But least I know what to expect this time.
And there’s nothing I can do but love her and keep her as comfortable as possible until she is ready to go.
I guess that’s all we can do with ourselves too.
Just thought I’d share this as it felt so similar to how we all feel.
I just added the photos after writing this so you could see what I mean.
It looks like 2 completely different dogs, and the saddest thing of all is when I was going through my photos to try to find an earlier one of her I saw old photos of me. Happy photos of me and I look like a completely different person. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. Wow how depression and sadness and losing that life energy can make you look so old and lifeless. And I think to myself. How the hell did all this happen.
Where did I go? How did I lose me?
Anyway this is the little girl that keeps me here, what I’ll do when she’s gone I don’t know.
All I know is she needs me here now so I can’t be so selfish to leave, even though its extra painful watching something you love so much just disappear before your eyes and that’s not just her I’m talking about.
Its me too.
This is my first post and I am in a horrible place. I tapered off all of my psych medications in 2014-2015 and am still in Post Acute Withdrawal. On top of that, I’m just a messed up person and I have been all of my life. I just need to vent, if that’s okay.
I am clueless at how to function in any aspect of life. My taxes are messed up, which is a huge trigger for me right now. I inadvertently have messed up my taxes in different ways for years now. One year I forgot income because my financial advisor switched companies and I got a bill for $87,000 from the IRS. It was dropped down a ton, but that led me to realize I’ve messed up so much more. Years where education credits/deductions were taken wrong, income… I think it’s unrealistic to amend tax returns so long ago and my CPA didn’t say I should, but the paranoia is so bad and I’ve been awake since 1:15 this morning with panic. He also amended some returns and because of whatever reason, I still messed them up.
I’ve messed up in every aspect of my life. Failed/dropped out of a master’s degree program. I’m a manipulative liar who is trying to change their ways, but it’s a slow process. I’ve faked so much in my life.
I can’t even try to kill myself (would I actually either way..???) because if I fail I’m screwed, as I don’t even have health insurance if I ended up in the hospital. I’m planning on getting catastrophic health insurance coverage before the deadline, but that doesn’t help me now. I just want out. I’m 29 and life has only gotten worse the more I’ve tried. I’m not convinced there’s hope. There are so many things capable about me, yet I cannot seem to do anything right. I’ve tried changing my mindset, lying to myself that I’m happy and capable, but it doesn’t change anything..
Thanks for letting me vent.
This just hit me.
Our worst method of self harm isnt cutting, or burning,
It is self sabotage.
Atleast thats the way with me.
Worst part , i still have that lingering hope.
And the fact that i am sabotaging myself, while still having that little hope, is tougher.
Suicide is tougher cus i still wanna live.
But my motivation for suicide are ever growing,
1. People hate me , and i hate most of them.
2. The ones i do love, dont love me back
3. My parents only love me cus they are biologically engineered to do so
4. Future is bleak and getting bleaker moment by moment
5. The world would be a better place without me
6. The only girl i have loved so darn much said this to me a year back( may’15) ” i hope you go to a corner and die”, seriously considering taking her advice
7. I have hated myself almost everyday since last june
And there are several more but i cant explain them with words
Last time was 7….
this time was 15…..
lets see if it holds.
Don’t know why I’m being such a ***** and fucking with pills….I own lots of firearms….
If I can remember correctly I got depression two years ago when I was 13. I only had it for a little bit and at the time I had no idea why I was so sad and what depression really meant. I started ignoring the feeling and I believe I wasn’t sad, but I still struggled to get by.
About five months ago I got really depressed, and it was quite severe still I managed to do things. About three months ago it slowly got worse and I couldn’t concentrate for very long, I started trying to get away from people, I have plans to leave everything and everyone I know when I’m older and had a lot of violent thoughts. Over that I thought about suicide.
After Christmas my depression has gotten a lot worse people have started to ask me what wrong, why I’m grumpy or if I don’t like them which just makes things worse. My memory and motivation have gotten a lot worse to and I guess all the other depression symptoms have kick in to; like self-harm and punishing myself.
I’m now 15 and all I want to do is run away and leave but I know I will have to wait a little longer (A couple years) till I can do that successfully so I have to wait, and the longer I wait the worse the depression gets, I think I could almost just commit suicide but if I did I would just go to hell anyways.
I don’t know what to do.
When the tides of life sweep you up like a tsunami no matter how good the ship is you either abandon it or drown but that is a joke because they are one in the same. I tried I really did but this year I am going to kill myself. I feel 5 years past due with the first attempt being at 15 now at 20 I am still plagued by all of my past grievances plus adult issues and I realize it’s a never ending shit show. When you go day by day making up excuses to live you just kinda start to wonder what is all the fuss about? Procreation? I’d never forgive myself if I forced another soul into this world. I wish my mother had some consideration and swallowed me.
I just want to run away and leave everything behind, everything is all so boring here and I’m wasting me life here.
I’m only 15 so I have to wait like three years and then I can finally leave this place.
I can’t fully process it all. Life is changing so fast. There’s still no long term security. It’s still week to week and not knowing if I’ll have somewhere to live in April. So I’m a full card carrying member of SGI and I’m going to be given a bunch of photos to make a video presentation for them, at least locally I mean, to be shown at the local center. They find out what you can do quick. Lol. At my second job I’ll get 15 hrs a week and have the title of program coordinator. It all sounds fancy. I can’t believe I have a job at all, let alone I’ve had these two jobs for a year now. It keeps echoing in my mind how I was always told I was stupid and worthless growing up. I didn’t think I’d ever see myself in this position. I know I just started with the Buddhism but I believe this is the benefit they talk about. It’s not easy either because I have to change as a person. To be better, to move on, and to be who I’m supposed to be in this world, I really have to let got of what and who I thought I was. I know it means finding out who SP is supposed to be because I’m not SC anymore and I can’t keep hanging on tryin gnome to have SC’s life under the name SP. I have to let go of the love of my life and the idea of ever being loved. I’ve been getting the message lately that my life’s purpose is to be heard and I’m going to end up in some position where I will use my voice for a living. I have no idea what that means or how to get there. It’s just one of the many messages I get while chanting. Years ago I’d have scoffed and criticized this all as utter bullshit. But yeah I guess you can’t expect positive with a negative mind. So it is a lot of change. I can’t process it all.
last saturday swallowed about 50, 500 mg acetaminophen tablets spent the entire night throwing up. spent several days nauseous, eventually went to the doctors(they dont know about overdose). then i swallowed about 15 more pills but im not feeling any side effects after it. i just want to die and i heard acetaminophen is one way to go
Hey everybody : I know its been a while since I last posted I just thought I’d post this. I was in the shower earlier this morning when I realized That I haven’t self harmed myself in a little over two months. I noticed it when I was feeling my hip bones this morning and noticed one of my major scars healed almost completely. Though my appetite is still shitty ( due to finals coming up next week) . My mood has been getting better which is a good thing at least. 🙂