I don’t really know how to start… this is the first time I talk with someone other than myself or my dog about my thought. I don’t really have anyone around me I am comfortable talking with. I feel as a complete disappointment both to myself and to my family. I guess to give a little bit of background I’m 25, live somewhere in Canada. I cant even remember the first time I thought about dying… looking back things seem to have been going down hill since I was 16. I can’t really remember the happy times, I can’t remember having fun, just being empty. About 3 years ago, at the time I was still in college, I had an accident, a gentleman was busy texting and didn’t notice the red light. I took some damage, spent a few months in bed and that worsened my condition(depression, indifference at life, call it as you will). While in college I was fairly involved with extra curricular activities, and I did enjoy the student life. It offered me something to focus on, an escape from being with myself to much I guess. After I recovered, I dropped out of school and went on a trip, hoping the break from my environment would help, and for a while it did. I came back after 9 months, found a job and started paying off my credit card, got a car etc. I was more or less functional. I made a new group of friends, started a mini side business, organizing parties here and there with a DJ friend. Than this summer I had another car accident, this time it was my fault, I got sick in the car and crashed into the safety barrels trying to get off of the highway. My car was totaled, ended up with a huge expenses(around 10,000$ in fees) and lost my job. more than that my parents, decided around the same time to announce they were getting a divorce after 18 years together(for my mom this is the 2nd divorce, I was raised by my adoptive dad). My mom has to take care of my little sister(she’s only 11) and than, what other energy she has left now goes towards the divorce. At least they are parting on good terms. first time around both me and her were left with scars. I cant count on my biological dad, i’m not even sure if he’s still alive at this point. Last time we saw each other things ended badly… and even if I would still be in contact with him he would never help me out of the kindness of his heart. I’d be indebted to him and the favors he asks are generally illegal. Any way to get back to my point I am lost. I don’t want to go to a doctor(i can’t afford it and I don’t trust them, I’ve had some bad experiences in the past with privacy), I have no one around me I can talk to. My best friend died of cancer in 2011, and after her passing i never allowed myself to get to confine in anyone. I’ve tried pretty much everything I could think of to escape or distract myself but I’ve had no luck. I sleep maybe 20h a week the rest of the time i either play games or read. I am to on edge to be around people yet being alone isn’t helping either. I guess I am just rambling at this point… but it’s hard to put everything that I went trough, everything I think of, in words, especially when more than half my life has been full of mistakes and stupid choices. I’ve tried once or twice to keep a diary but it was more effort and energy than what I have to spare… Any way I guess I am just reaching my breaking point.
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OK, well from reading your post I can see that YES you have been through a lot and have some big issues to deal with. But you can handle it and make things better for yourself. Yes it is good to have people in your life to talk to. But not everybody is helpful. But this forum is prety good helping people with these kinds of issues. I’m sorry to hear about the accident that you have had. But those are behind you know. Sometimes in life we need to let the bad moments of the past go where they belong > behind us in the past and forgive and forget and move forward. I am also sorry to hear that your family doesn’t seem to be very supportive for you right now but there is support out there in the world in other places. Everybody goe through trials in life.
Everybody makes some bad choices in life and there is some pain that comes along with those bad choices we made some time ago. But you have to let the past be in the past. Its not always such a bad thing to make a bad decision in life….. its really only bad when you make a bad choice in life then Keep making that bad choice. If you can learn from the bad choices that you made in the past then you can lern not to make those kinds of choices again. Thats called learning by life experience. SO instead of thinking bad about yourself fo some of the bad choices that you made a long time ago. Now CHANGE your thinking and realize that you have learned from your mistakes and from now on your going to make better decisions and your life is going to get better from here. Work on it. You said you spend time reading. That is a great thing to do. Most of how I have learnt how to overcome overwhelming obstacles has been buy life experiences and also reading books that uplift me and teach me how to better myself and how to improve upon my life. Reading is awesome.
Your a good person and you are a survivor. Decided today that your going to survive and move forward and improve your life and be happy. Good things will come your way when you start to think positively upon your life and you also have to be good to others. Karma is real in life.
The more we help others the better our own life gets. So be good. Think positively, take action to remove things from your life that are negative and replace them with positive things.
Learn to appreciate people. But keep the negative poison people out of your life.
Some people will lift you up. Some people will try to pull you down. Stay away from the downers. Make a list of everything that is good in your life and make a list of things that are bad or negative in your life then work on changing the bad things. Also make a list of things you are thankful for. Being thankful for the good things in your life will put you in a position to receive more good things. You can change any aspect of yourself at anytime.
Become a positive thinker. Think creatively about how you can overcome obstacles in your life
Believe in yourself!!!!!
Your an overcomer
Hi, thank you for taking the time to answer. I’ve been trying to decrease the time I spend hiding behind a screen and to actually go out. Winter started so I don’t need to worry as much about people. Hardly anyone is out so I can walk and think in peace. Its hard to keep going rather than just laying down and waiting for the inevitable. I mean sooner or later we all die. I just wish we’d get the chance to do so when we want.