Tears taste salty. When you just shed tears, they give a sensation of warmth in the eyes. When they roll down to the cheeks and neck, it feels cold. After crying for about an hour the tears stop rolling no matter how hard you cry inside.Crying all nights gives early morning headaches. These are facts I never thought I would have to acknowledge someday. But, here I am practically experiencing every inch of it. Its not coming to an end. I’m not sure if this tunnel chose me or I chose that, but I am walking through a dark tunnel and I can’t see light. I don’t know when it will get better. On a long run, there has to be a miracle to actually make me happy. I don’t believe in fairy tales. I know no prince is gonna come, no fairy godmother is gonna show up. This is my life and this is me, so unhappy and dissatisfied with life. This is gonna stay pretty much the same forever. I hate ” it gets better”. I know its a lie.
I hate switching between two worlds. When I’m full of tears my mum calls up and I have to pretend normal again. After crying whole night, the next morning I have to compel myself to find that lost enthusiasm to get on with my college again. When I watch some movie or listen to songs, I forget for a moment that I’m unhappy. I hate that the very moment shows end, my consciousness brings me back to my Reality . My reality sucks and that’s an understatement. The whole world is moving and I’m the only stationary entity. Even my hairstyle hasn’t changed since the past ten years. People are happy, mature and I’m boring and ugly to them. I didn’t turn out to be anything I wanted or my parents expected. I hate to think about suicide but I’ve killed myself in my head a hundred times now. Suicide is hard. Surviving is even harder. I am not religious so maybe god wants me to go through a little more every other day. I keep crying quietly every day. My bed sheets and pillows should have been soaked by now. I hate that I cannot keep shedding tears when I want. Most of the times I have to act normal as if I’m happy like the rest. I hate myself. I hate a fact that I exist. I don’t know why I’m here. I have known this site for a few months but I never liked it because reading someone else’s more complicated problems made me feel like an idiot. I never like to share anything to anyone. I always wrote memos on my cell phone. My brother found out and I got busted. This is safe I can write all those things that doesn’t even make sense and still remain anonymous Plz don’t tell me it’ll get better someday. I’ve had quite a good reality check of life and I know I’m gonna secretly keep writing my meaningless words stretching a meaningless life until god somehow shows mercy on me and grants me the only solution to my unhappiness.
1 comment
NeverHappy,
I’m sorry to hear things are so horrible for you right now. I won’t offer the generic “It will get better some day,” as you asked, but I did note a couple of things from your post that I’d like to mention:
– You said you are not religious, but did mention God and wondered if He wishes for you to suffer. This would indicate that you do believe in a higher power. Have you thought about possibly looking into religion (or spirituality – it doesn’t necessarily have to be religion or worship such as Christianity or Catholicism. There are plenty of belief systems out there – Wicca, etc. – and some simply deal largely in connecting with nature)? I’m not trying to push anything on you (I am personally not religious); I just found it interesting that you mentioned God a couple of times, which would suggest it is something you think about.
– You mentioned that music and movies provide an escape and help you forget your problems, if even for a short time. This is good. It means you have things in your life that allow to you feel better. Although it may not seem like much, these things can prove to be invaluable when trying to overcome deep problems in our lives.
L4Y