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It’s too much

by Amme in chaos
written by Amme in chaos

It’s just too much and I just feel sorry for myself and I want it all to end. I want to see the sun shine again. It’s been so long since I sincerely smiled. It’s been way too damn long since I felt things I could understand, since I was genuinely happy. I don’t want to be who I am. I want these thoughts to stop. They’re just too loud. I miss the times when I was actually confident and didn’t hate myself so much, the times I wasn’t so body conscious, the times I didn’t criticize every single thing I do, the times I wasn’t such a fucking idiot. I want to go way back in time before the scars and ugly cuts. I want to rewind everything, before the anxiety I wish I felt as empty and emotionless as I do now…then maybe I wouldn’t have the anxiety.  The thoughts started again and I want to mute them but I’m so damn weak and they’re too damn loud, I might just try to end it again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just disappointing everyone…probably piss everyone off too…

I’m screaming for help, I’m making it so obvious that I’m not OK and they said that they would understand me but they’re such liars…” It’s just a phase”, ”stop being so angsty”. ”You need to stop being so depressing”. I don’t know when I’m gonna end it but I can’t see anything past this year. You won’t have to deal with my crap anymore. You can spend more time and money on someone who actually deserves it. I’ve just wanted this for so long…but I’m probably just feeling sorry for myself…

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General

warning

by retrospectivesuicidalepiphany
written by retrospectivesuicidalepiphany

I’m sorry for the demon I’ve become.
You should be sorry for the angel you are not.
I wonder how its gonna be when I don’t wake up.
Some words when spoken can’t be taken back.
I’m becoming more and more comfortable with the idea.

Everything is ready. Except for my family. I don’t want any one to miss me. Not like they will anyway. If I was still jumping, this would be so much easier. Blame it on a chute failure. Pour me from my boots and into a grave.

Now the biggest enemy I face is myself. I’ve got a fairly reliable method for self-disposal. One that has proved to be the most suitable for me.

Emotionless emptiness loneliness listlessness

WORTHLESS

The unit I was assigned to has a ritual.
One round of the caliber of ammunition that you fire, an expended shell from your mirror, and a triple shot of your favorite drink. Arrange the items on a table. Say what needs to be. Then crossover.

I’m in my blues. Sitting at my table. On the table is one round of hornady 357sig hp, my favorite round. One expended casing of 7.62×39 fmj. As well as a full bottle of Johnny Walker blue label. Pandora is tuned to some incoherent noise, loud enough to muffle the sound of my silent pleas. The concept of eternal slumber is appealing.

I will ablige to the requests from schism and spiral out.

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General

force myself

by retrospectivesuicidalepiphany
written by retrospectivesuicidalepiphany

Help me if you can
Its just that this
Is not the way I’m wired
So could you please
Help me to understand
Why
You’re giving in to all these
Wreckless dark desires
You’re lying to yourself again.
Suicidal imbecile.
Think about it.
You’re pounding on the fault line.
What’s it gonna take to get it through to you precious.
I’m over this.
Why do you wanna through it all away like this?
Such a mess.
Well I don’t wanna watch you

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at time.
What’s your rush now?
Everyone will have his day to die.

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General

Remember when we didn’t existed ?

by Lacalamity
written by Lacalamity

Man oh man I surely miss those times before I was born, felling nothing, no hunger, no thirst, no emotions and times flew bye so fast don’t you think guys ?

So yeah I really want to go back to those good days, I don’t want a paradise or hell, I don’t want to be conscious, maybe because  I fear to see my family from the otherworld.

But jeez it is so tempting, the good old days, jokes on me if we live again the same life.

so yeah, loosing it soon as time goes bye and as the gun locker laughs at me.

If anyone wants to know if I will do it try to read the saarbrücker zeitung or rather republicain lorrain, in a month or so gonna do it probably.

The reason I’ll do it in a month is because a good friend will come and I will tell her what I feel for her, and whatever happens next I’m gonna feel bad so yeah keep an eye out for me so you can tell the others that I failed, maybe makes a good story if I had done more.

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General

Im done

by ahannah123
written by ahannah123

I can’t take this emotional spiral I feel like everyone is against me No one really cares I’ve been home for 6 day from residential I’m so done with this rollercoaster I’m getting off I’m gonna cut my brachial artery (the place you get blood drawn opposite of elbow,any tips or advice plz comment

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General

Why I have trust issues

by Amme in chaos
written by Amme in chaos

I don’t know why I keep trusting people. I just feel like people don’t care. I told a ‘friend’ of mine what was going on with me and he was going through the same thing and I thought that this time its gonna be different. I didn’t even feel awkward or angry about people invading my private and emotional side. I really don’t know why I expected something different this time. No one really cares and I think he’s just like the rest of the people. Just hangs around you when he wants and leaves you hanging when you thought you were friends.

I was smart for not telling everything. I’ve been betrayed way too many times to let that happen again. But the difference was that he’s actually going through what I’m going through. I know I’ve probably also betrayed his trust too so I guess its pay back. I deserve it.

But it felt really good to say things that I’ve never said before and good to hear that I’m not the only one. I know he probably doesn’t care but I just wanna talk to someone like that again. You know, without being scared of being judged.

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Rants

too much

by Soco
written by Soco

So this is just a stupid rant so read or not. ..
Im sitting on a crowded bus with class dust and tiny fragments of glass from work stuck to my sweaty skin cos the air con is not working on this bus. Some guy has tried to jam himself onto my seat when its fucking abvious im having trouble folding my 6’4″ body into a seat made for a person who is 5′. I keep sweating and thatmmakes me more Iitchy.
I feel like everyone is staring at me. Anxiety thru the roof. 2 girls behind will not shut the fuck up!!
“Like totally talking bout their like important
Life and like how their boyfriends are so untidy at like home”. If we had relaxed gun laws in Australia they would be dead.
The two guys sitting in back speaking a different language are for sure talking bout me. Plus I can hear a radio going that is basically just static and quiet voices. Not sure if real but heard it earlier too.
Im on a bus cos I lost my drivers license a year ago for various speeding fines while driving escorts 12 hours a night as a part time job that endef up costing me money not making any. Another great decision scotty. Well done. Fuck it. Its times like this I really wanna jump off sonething super high. One last feeling of total freedom from this awful messed up self absorbed world. Im sick of it. I wanna get off the ride. Ive had enough thanks. Im not gonna do it just yet, but one day it will push me over the edge.

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General

I can’t find the remote.

by noneedforaname
written by noneedforaname

The Wendy Williams show is on. I can’t find the damn remote, I can’t change the channel on the frickin cable box without the damn remote. And I swear on all that is Holy that if I hear these women yell whoop-whoop one more time I just might end it. ( it gonna take a talk show to drive me over the edge ? ) screw it. I’ll be in the garage if anybody needs me.

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Rants

woke up for what?

by kupo95
written by kupo95

so today I woke up and wondered why should I …nothing for me to do I’m not making any money today I’m gonna cook and clean and get fuck so, I’m upset.. so when my great husband *sarcastically  said * ask why I’m so upset I said do I have any reason to be happy… he said * now this was fucking rich * “try harder I’m not happy either i have no car no money you need to WORK HARDER so wipe that  look off your face”    I can’t even be upset when I want to how can I not be fake with them but not the real me…..I still ended up crying myself to sleep last night Again …..so today I cut work harder into my thigh It might help  … not…. but it the first thing that came to my mind when he said it …….so work harder because the last two days of being in snow and rain or the Cold was no work at all I’m just not trying hard enough or working Hard enough…the mother fucker is at the fucking casino…….

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General

Good morning

by noneedforaname
written by noneedforaname

Good morning all, feeling alot better today, but as you all know, that’s subject to change. Even though I’m new here I have noticed alot of love and caring, and have received it from the people on this site and I just have to say thank you, like I’ve shared with a couple of people, it helps me to vent and let all of this poison out instead of letting it build up to a boiling point like I used to when I was younger. But then to receive kind words from complete strangers who are non-judgemental and have their own problems, yet they take the time to lift up the brother’s and sister’s who have stumbled and fell here on this site, Powerful !!!! I can’t speak for everyone, but I noticed in my own life, You find out who really loves you and cares about you when you do fall, the sad part is that I’ve fallen so much over the years I don’t really have anybody in my personal life that I can count on anymore to pick me up, I wish I would’ve come across this site alot sooner, because I’ve been helped up by a few people on this site that I don’t even know, and I commented to one of them earlier and completely screwed up their names so I’m not gonna do that again lol, but if you happen to run across the reply that I sent that person you’ll know exactly who they are, So to them and everybody else that care enough to pick up someone up who has stumbled I’d like to say. Thank You.

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General

Who’s Around Tonight?

by Wintergirl
written by Wintergirl

I’m wide awake. I’d rather be asleep but I’m having horrible allergies today. Spent a lot of time outside and the trees are greening up and flowering and I’m getting crazy spring allergies. Even with medication.  I spent my outside time working on one of my gardens, this year I want to have two, one just for flowers and plants, the other for vegetables, fruits and herbs. I planted two hydrangeas and moved a bunch of plants to a different area. I don’t really have that much garden space so I have to be creative.  I am so alive when I work outside in the dirt and warm air. My depression is not as bad this time of year, it lifts for a few months so I really need to take advantage of this. This year I want to learn how to make jam and pickles. I have seen these little garden journals before and maybe this will be the year I use one. It would be good for referencing in the following years, what worked, what didn’t. How the plants did.  Last year my pepper plants all were destroyed by some creature. I wage war on the squirrels defending my sunflowers. This year I will win. Gonna have to get these allergies under control first. Time to go back to two daily meds and benadryl as needed.

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Family & Friends Effects

Alone…

by sweetsleep
written by sweetsleep

God I was hoping I wouldn’t have to get this out, but it occupies my thoughts every single day so I have to do something about it. I suffer from social anxiety, which helps me on making friends (ha sarcasm) but I really want to meet new people, and I try SO hard.When I do try to strike up a conversation people just look at me weird and laugh! I’m even nice to people but they treat me like I’m garbage, or a mat to walk all over on.Why even try! I have a few friends, but they don’t know me. They don’t know what I like, what I do, or how I feel since they go on about their life and when I try to include myself they ignore the fact and not give a shit about me. Am I being selfish for wanting people to know of my existence?! I’ve just given up since I’m destined to die alone, I mean who’s really gonna miss a ugly,confused, teenager girl right? I’ll just make more room in this world for pretty popular girls if I do. Forgive me I’m being a loser like always.

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General

My last day

by sugarfreeheartless
written by sugarfreeheartless

This Sunday is gonna be it. I can’t keep waking up in a panic and acting out of control.
I’ll be trying the exit bag with helium.
Failing that, well, I am buying a bunch of scalpels. Maybe I can just land on them? I’d have to rig them to stand up, and I’d have to land with my neck outstretched. Sounds like a big botch job waiting to happen. I don’t think I can actually handle the pain of slitting my own throat, even with some Orajel rubbed on the skin.

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General

Im up so lets talk anybody

by kupo95
written by kupo95

Just when I was on cusp of sleep when my mother in law walked in to tell us our family friend son eloped and is on the way it’s 1:20am ….. These people are from Chicago on there way to tahoe ..

Im tired and hungry and now some stange girl he eloped with is with them I hate new people especially 18 year old girls . who this girl married 17 boyvwho I take as brother now she gonna be here for awhile .just what I needed fml..Im tiered… Lets talk!!

 

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General

Soo… Hi?

by Another sad student
written by Another sad student

I’m a long time reader but I’ve never actually posted anything exept for like a comment somewhere. But now I’ve seen some great people here like Cordless and Drowning (seen more but I can’t remeber names) so for some reason I decided to post my story for anyone that’s interested

I think the worst part of my life is school. My horrible social life isn’t that great either but my situation at school is pretty fucking horrible. And no I’m not gonna sit here and complain about homework or some shit like that but I’m gonna be whining about the people at my school. I feel so left out. Every group in my class are so annoying. I fucking hate them but at the same time I desperatly want to be apart of one of them. If I were apart of one (a respected part that is) then I wouldn’t have to worry about things like where to sit at class or who to eat with at lunch.

At class we always have to do these fucking teamwork assingnments so that means I’m gonna have to pick a partner and when I haven’t picked one and all my “friends” are paired up then my teacher has to force me inside of some group that really doesn’t want me there. At lunch I have to eat with someone or I will be known as that weird loser that eats alone. I eat with my friends from another class sometimes but since they’re from another class, that’s not very fucking often. Most of the time i just skip lunch and sit alone in the library and play games on my ipad or something like that. But sometimes I feel like I have to eat so I pretty much force myself on people that I’m pretty sure doesn’t want me there

So that’s it. I realise my problems arent even a fraction of some of the people that post here but I guess I just needed to vent a little. 

I’ve also been struggling with deppression for a long time. Still haven’t won that war tho.

and no I’m not actually suicidal. I guess I would be if I werent so scared of death. And if I didn’t fear for what would happen to my family if I dissapeared. My mother who loved me. My father who raised me. And my little sister who I’ve helped raise. I feel like it would be selfish to kill myself without at least thinking of them.

Anyway, thank you if you actually read this. It means alot.

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General

Let me tell ya about this town It destroys you LIFE

by kupo95
written by kupo95

Theres a young couple with is the is my husband first cousin and my third . my husband related from our cousin mother Im from his father . the girl he married to is threating to go home cuss shes here and sooo unhappy .the boy by nature is an ass he just cursed her mother while her mom was on the phone.

 

She is the only one that asked when I left my husband if i was ok and my side of the story and understood .

There fighting and told her ro stop talking to her mom they were staying with me before all this trouble started this town is jinx

My mother unlaw therw me shade saying i would of had Fiat if i stood my Xmas present. Like i couldn’t get my own care my credit is bomb . so she could throw it in my face to say with me you wouldt have a care. Um miss if id stay how was i gonna drive fiat in the fucking snow on a fuck moatain and pay t he payments if im not makeing money here . wtf

Fuck these poeple . 

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