I’ve always been an incredible writer. I was praised for my writing talents as a young child and still to this day. I am only 21, but I feel like I’ve lived forever. For some reason, writing (or typing) this is extremely hard right now. Maybe it’s because I’ve written a few suicide notes before and all it did was cause me to hurt others I care about rather than explain how I feel. I tend to think it’s a lack of understanding on their part, but my heart tells me it simply is me.
I guess this letter is to someone who I really, REALLY care about. Someone who I thought would ALWAYS be there, even though I had no reason to believe so because of the abandonment I’ve experienced in the past. Someone who knows me better than any other person on this planet. The ONLY person who knows ALL my secrets. The BEST friend I’ve had yet at this point in my life. Truly the best. The only person who has never put me down for believing the things I do, feeling the way I do, putting himself through just as much pain as I feel in a mere attempt to understand why the tears are rolling down my face. After being pushed away and slowly removed from another person’s life that used to be these things, I knew I would never find love, compassion, hope, or joy again. I gave myself away to people so that I could maybe try to feel wanted again, but it didn’t work. I was filthy. Dirty. I am still disgusted with that person I was. I could pretend and try all I wanted, but I knew deep down that it would never cross my life. Then I found him. I found you.
I smiled so much around you. Hell, I cried a lot too, but that’s nothing anyone can help. I’ve always been a “crybaby” my entire life. But, it was that smile. I had to force myself to believe I would smile again after the last one hurt me, but it just happened when I was with you and I realized that the only reason I made it out of that hospital and my failed attempt #6 was to be with you. However, that has now changed too, hasn’t it?
Over this past summer, I felt awful. I didn’t care. I still don’t. I hurt. I’m just lost. I want you to be happy so bad. So bad. I was scared for us. I was scared I would lose you, that you would get tired of my bipolar stuff and let me go too. And then when we were supposed to be happy together, on vacation together, spending time to make each other happy, I was so sad that you did it. You let me go.
I would do anything, I WILL do anything, to go back and stop that from happening. I loved you more than I ever loved anyone. I still do. I know now that I’m with someone else, that’s probably hard to believe, but secretly, I was just scared and didn’t want to be alone. I really didn’t want to be alone again. Because he was there I just took that opportunity to replace you so that I wouldn’t hurt from missing you so damn much. I didn’t know that was going to make it worse. I didn’t know then that you still loved me. I was trying so hard and I have been ever since to fall in love with this person that will never be anything like you, and it’s so horrible. I feel sick over it. I don’t sleep, I can’t eat, I just lie in bed crying all day knowing that I’m hurting him, staying hurt because I don’t have you, and not knowing what to do about it. I just want you.
I can be happy on my own, yes, I’ve learned that. That’s why I was in the hospital before. But you don’t understand that even if I am as happy as I possibly can be or as miserable as I ever will be, I still will always want and love you. I love the way you make me smile. Why are you taking that from me?
I keep asking myself…. Am I not good enough? Am I not beautiful to you anymore? Did I do something wrong? What did I do to make you feel like we couldn’t fix it? What did I do to make you reject all of my calls and not even want to be my friend- just my friend like we always were? And frankly, that’s all I care about now. I’ve accepted we’ll never be back together and you don’t want me that way anymore. I still don’t know why you don’t, but I know I have to let that go if you want me to. But I will never be able to accept you dropping me from your life. You PROMISED me you never would. You promised. We’re supposed to be best friends. Why can’t I be that now? I’m sitting here with tears rolling down my face and laughing because I know this sounds ridiculous and obsessive and crazy. And you know, maybe it is. But I really don’t care. I just want my support, my best friend, my pal, my companion, my buddy back. I just want him back. It hurts so much not having you around at all.
You promised me you wouldn’t be like the last one, but now you are. It shows me that if anything, I haven’t changed and I will always hurt those I care most about. Did you know the person I’m with now wants to marry me? I can’t let myself accept that. He doesn’t even know nearly half as much as you do. I don’t want him to. I don’t want him to be close and then realize it was too much for him. It will hurt me more.
All I did was get myself into a bigger mess. It’s just not even worth it anymore. I’ve been in the emergency room 3 times within 4 days this week. I’m not getting any better. There is nothing they can do for me. I’m pretty sure it’s just my time to go. Life keeps trying to make it that way, but it just doesn’t quite make it. I thought my life would mean the most to you, because you’re the one who means the most to me and gave me life, but now you have me convinced that I’m wrong. I just can’t do this anymore. I really don’t want to suffer through all this physical pain anymore. And with the emotional hurt I’m going through without someone at my side to help, without you, I am done.
I’m home alone today. Right where I was the last two times it didn’t work. But, it’s going to work this time. Because by the time you read this, I’ll already have walked up to the place and taken the next step to my freedom from this hurt. It’s very cold today, and yet the sun is out. It’s like it’s God’s way of welcoming me home, if I even go to Heaven, because apparently those who commit suicide go to Hell, but I’m weak and exhausted. I just can’t do it anymore. I’d rather put myself through an eternal pain in Hell, knowing I did it to myself, than live the rest of my life here on Earth in an agonizing fear and ache from the 21 years of illness and loss. I know you know where I’ll be, because I showed you the place before. I’m sorry you’ll have to find me like that, but I’m guessing you aren’t really losing anything considering you won’t answer my calls or messages.
I’ll admit, this is the worst goodbye letter I’ve ever written. It’s so needy and desperate. But, please don’t remember me that way. Remember me as that girl who YOU made SMILE and want to live and suffer a little more. You are her hero. Her best friend. Her love. Remember me as the person who owes everything I have to you. I owe you my life, since that seems to be the most valuable asset here at the moment. I know you’ll be fine, because you always told me I will be. And I have been, until you were gone. But you’re a lot more brave than I am. You’re a lot stronger than me too. Just help those who won’t understand after I’m gone that I did this only to help everyone. There will be no more worry, no more bills, no more stress, no more fear, no more me and I wanted it this way so that everyone else could start to live a happier life. I want everyone to live happier and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I know once I’m gone, no one will believe that’s true right away because what I’m doing is “selfish” and “heartless” and everyone will miss me. They’re right, it is selfish because I’m finally for once taking control of MY LIFE. My whole heart is in this decision this time. Now it’s time for everyone to let go of me one last time. It never stopped them before, so please, just let go now and move on. There really isn’t anything you could have done different to make me stay. There really isn’t any hospital, doctor, medication that will “fix” me to want to keep fighting this eternal battle I was born into. The best thing you can do for me is to do what you did before and just let me go to be in a resting peace for good.
I love you. I really do. I’m literally choking on my tears and snot right now because I am sad I’ll never have a chance to hear your voice and say goodbye one last time, but it’s probably best that way. You can call me when you get this. If I don’t answer, you know where I’ll be. If I do, well, then I suck at life AND ending it and we’ll take it from there. Just make sure everyone knows I love them and I am doing this for the best for everyone. You were the best friend I ever had, AJE. The best. I love you. I love you.
18 comments
wow its like i wrote this myself. dont do it tho. i know the feel of not being able to be fixed… its horrible. its isolating. its not right. but i know for a fact you can be fixed or at least partially glued back together. my best wishes to u
i don’t quite get “what being an incredible writer and being praised for your writing talents” has to do with your story.i thought it would have to do something with it, since it was the introduction, and was kind of emphasized.am i missing something?
maybe qualifying how shoddy she felt this literary diarrhea was and how she felt it was worst things shes written…? possibly?
i guess that makes sense.thanks.
It’s the fact that I usually can write anything at any given moment without even thinking about it, writing is easy for me usually, but I struggled to explain my feelings through words this time. It was very difficult to do so, I couldn’t find the right words, it took way longer than it should have, and I still am not satisfied at all with what I ended up with. It is a terrible goodbye, and not even what I had truly meant in the end.
killswitchon had the concept pretty much right, I feel like this is a piece of writing I will NEVER be proud of.
would’ve made more sense if you wrote it that way, as opposed to kind of tooting your own horn.but that’s just me.huh.
Like I said, not my best piece of work….
I’m not gonna talk about suicide or anything. I understand your pain and how you miss that person, but that doesn’t give you the right to do what you are doing to your actual boyfriend. I’ve been on his position and look where I’m at now. You said you are alone, but I bet your new bf is there for you and you just don’t want him, that’s kind of selfish.
Well, I hope you overcome this.
This video helped me a little https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7bF9D3XSX4&feature=player_detailpage
I have the right, it’s just unfair. At the time when I needed him most, my boyfriend wasn’t there for me today. I never said I didn’t want him. I love him too. I just miss having my best friend, who happened to be my ex. It’s just a rough situation. All of it. There’s a lot more to the story than what I posted here, but he understood it all because he knows.
We spent the day reconciling and working on getting me help. I appreciate your encouragement to get past this tough time for me. Thank you.
Wow, how about that? AJE…give him a call !!
I called him several times, and he finally called and reached me. Then he spent the day with me helping me see what I don’t when I’m scared, lost, and confused with this madness.
This resounded with me as well. I also have someone I love that refuses to speak to me and I’m dating someone new who has claimed to want to marry me, but how can you move forward when you just think of your ex-boyfriend? And why will they not even grant you the small solace of communication?
Do you want to just be best friends and throw epic pity parties together? No one I know understands, it’s just an easy “let it go” piece of advice they can throw out and then go about their day, completely free of inner turmoil…
I will gladly be your friend. Feel free to email me. It’s hard dealing with loss, whether it’s a break-up or death or a severed friendship. Those who can’t understand your sorrow and pain through your grieving process of your personal loss probably haven’t had to experience it themselves yet, and I am forever jealous of them.
🙂 I saw you were able to talk to him – what ended up happening? Is he going to have an open line of communication with you?
god i would hate to be the person the find and read this. if you want to die, try to take the blame off an ex jeez
I don’t want to die because of my ex. My ex was my best friend prior to dating and even for a bit after we broke up. It’s the fact that he was a huge part of my life and I don’t have that and I feel empty and lost without him. I don’t have anyone to turn to or call on for help. And, this was my way of asking for help. I sent him the link to my post, and he even has an account on here too. He understands now, we talked today, but the blame is not on him. I want to die because of all of the other crap that has piled up on me in my life. It’s not his fault at all, but a part of my pain resides from a lack of communication and loss of love from him.
I hope this is just venting and you’re not actually expecting him to read this. Because it’s a horrible thing to make someone you love read, and if you really want him to be happy it’d be better not to send him this. Some parts of it are good, some not so much. Admitting the neediness and such doesn’t make it okay. I don’t buy that you’re most convinced with others’ happiness. Dying wouldn’t help anybody but you.
Though I am sorry you’re feeling this way. It is horrible.
Hey I think I’m experiencing the same feeling as you. My best friend, yet the one I love the most in this world, had left. what I meant was, he changed and he’s not the person I knew anymore. he treated me as I’m just a stranger to him, he ignored me on purpose, he doesn’t reply my texts and tried his best to ignore me. I tried to talk him out, but it’s just not working. I text him everyday, since the beginning of the year, I’m tired of texting him first everyday and tired of thinking if I’m important to him. He did changed a lot, a lot. He treated me really nice back then. I don’t even know what happened to him, maybe it’s just the distance between us. I feel like dying everyday but I don’t have the courage to do so. I have no friends to talk to. I have nothing. I really just want to leave the world. I’m suffering day by day and it’s just too painful for me.