I want to be strong for my husband and my kids, but I don’t know how I can go on much longer. I have been sick for 2 years now, and no one knows what’s wrong with me. I’ve been in pain every day, and it’s making me a worse and worse person. When my husband and I first met he was so in love with me, and now he can’t stand me. He tells me that it’s not my fault and he loves me, but I can tell that he doesn’t. I’m just a burden to him. He won’t admit it but I can see it in the Way he looks at me. I’m not a good mother anymore because when I get home from work I’m so irritable and in pain that I just lay there. I’m trying to make up for it in other ways, but I don’t think I’ll ever get better and be what he needs. I just feel like everyone will be better off without me. I’m pregnant with our third child and I could never harm the baby, but I don’t see how I can make it 5 more months living like this. I love my husband and kids so much and I just want to make them happy, but I know I never will again. I’ve tried to explain to him how I feel, but he just blows it off because he thinks I’m being dramatic. I know it sounds ridiculous but I don’t think he’ll ever love me again until I’m gone. I would rather die than disappoint him for another day, but I can’t because of the baby. I just don’t know what to do.
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It seems like he still loves you. Unless there are direct signs or behavioral changes on his part, I would continue to assume that his love remains intact. He was upfront with you and told you that it wasn’t your fault. Perhaps he’s upset because it’s common that when one spouse is experiencing a challenge, the other spouse has a lot of sympathy and empathy. He probably cares for you greatly and doesn’t want you to suffer. Sadly, it’s out of his control and that could be upsetting, too.
As for being a good mother, do the best you can do. Nobody can ask for more. If you’re in pain, you’re in pain. Try to work through it the best you can without making it worse. You mentioned trying to make up for it in other ways and that’s admirable… especially since you appear to be suffering. Your heart seems to be in the right place… which is reason #1 that it’s NOT a good idea for you to end it. I’m not there, but is it possible you’re mis-reading your husband? There are spouses who are 1000% committed to their marriage regardless of what happens and he may very well be one of them. Perhaps he wants the best for you.
Being pregnant can be rough and can cause some emotional changes. Have you spoken with a counselor or therapist? Maybe they can provide some strategy for making it through the difficult times. The last thing you’d want to do is leave behind a husband and children. It would eliminate your future and, at the same time, hit them pretty hard. Please reach out for help. Call a crisis line if you need to. Check with your community for local resources. Just don’t give up.
distant.road,
Could you give me an e-mail address, please? I’d really like to come into contact with you. You seem like an amazingly interesting and caring person.
Sincerely,
-R.
Hi Remembrance… Thank you for the compliment. I could say the same about you and your posts. SP e-mail: (my username here) -at- (inbox-dot-com)
I don’t check that mailbox too often because it’s setup just for this site… but I’ll try to remember to check it.
Hi.
I don’t really know how to help you; I’ve never had children or a husband, but I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s a big step to publish your worries on here, anyway.
If your depression really is of the hormonal type and just happens to be there for no apparent reason, it can be even harder to cope. Also, you’re probably never going to have the certainty you’ve made it through in case you hold out long enough (which I think you will. You’re a strong person).
It’s a bit like having cancer, I guess, just that cancer seems so logical and impersonal for the people around.
But it’s possible to live with that kind of illness. I don’t know if you’re seeing a therapist on a regular basis, but you probably should. You deserve someone to listen, anyway.
I think you’re going to see it as more of a blessing than a curse, once you’ve made it through the worst. Critical situations make for very strong and self-confident (in both senses of the word) people afterwards.
Just don’t be too hard on yourself, please, it’s not your fault. You’re being as selfless as you possibly can (probably even too unselfish) .
I wish you all the best, honestly.
Hugs,
-R.