I should just let him fuck me whenever he wants. Even if I have his words playing in my head over and over. Even though I’m so stressed out that my period actually stopped for two months. I tried to reach out to people. Tried to find a friend in those who were there before but that was a mistake. I go online and type “My boyfriend wants to have sex but I don’t”. Found ONE article in which the answer-er was sympathetic. The rest were all leaning towards compromise. “It’s your obligation as a woman to meet your mans needs.” Go fuck yourself you stupid fucking *****! I’d like to see you fucking compromise while you’re stressed out of your fucking mind and severely depressed. Every fucking time I compromise… I’m talking days I REALLY don’t want to fuck… I always fucking cry myself to sleep or even cry during sex without letting him see. I should just let him use me. I don’t know how to numb myself to this. He wants me to advance him sexually. How the FUCK do I do that when I’m not in the fucking mood. You want it?! Come and fucking get it. I don’t want to do this shit so you need to figure out how to make me want it because your fucking way is not working. Making me feel like shit everyday for not wanting shit. Go fuck some random ***** outside! I DON’T GIVE A FUCKKKKKKKK. Asshole doesn’t masturbate because he “Doesn’t believe that he needs to do that.. that’s your job”…. It’s my fucking “job”. I could leave him. But he wont leave unless I sign over custody of our child. He treats me like I’m some spiteful ***** ready to fuck him over at the drop of a hat. He wants me to sign away my rights as my child’s mother… in exchange for my fucking sanity and not having to spread my legs because it’s my “obligation”. Fuck my ***** or fuck my mind, pretty much. My love for my child… I could never do what he asks… therefore… I have to be his personal prostitute. I’d rather keep my baby… the only thing that gives me joy… than to lose my soul completely. I have to pretend like what I need doesn’t exist, let him fuck me and smile while he does it. Oh and I have to “woo HIM”.
There are a number of tasks I need to do today, but I lack the emotional drive for any of them. An exam. Work. What does any of it matter? What’s to stop me from ending it all? What are the moments I live for? Most of the moments in my life are all pretty boring since I spend them by myself anyway. I claim to have aspirations like traveling, maybe agriculture later on, and going to Japan (if only to visit Aokigahara), but when I think about it, none of these things really seem like they’d be that fun since I ‘d have no one to share these moments with. Because when you have someone there to experience events with, it somehow solidifies it in ways that experiencing them by yourself could never. Of course I could do all of these things by myself, but it would be me just experiencing these events, reflecting on them, forming profound conclusions about their meaning, understanding where I fit into these things and then moving on with my life, just like I always do.
I’ve lived most of my life alone and will likely live much more of it in this way. It just gets to be the same old thing after a while. It’s really pointless. I think… that if it weren’t for my older brother I would’ve died a long time ago, but since he needs me, I’ve stayed. In some ways, I really resent him for that. I really do.
Oh how much I envy other people. Being able to make connections with others. Connections that aren’t so frail and based on need and utility. Connections in which both participants are compelled by one another to stay in contact. Connections where one party is able to make the other feel something that’s not fear or estrangement or resentment or pity. How strange it would be to have that connection with someone.
Acceptance is crucial. Kind of. And it happens to be relatively difficult for me sometimes. But I’m getting there. I have to accept that no one cares, no one loves me, needs me, or wants me. I’m insignificant and unimportant to anyone but myself. It use to pain me so much and it’s still upsetting but I now realize that even though it’s not ideal, I’m all I have, and all I need. I didn’t get very many good things in this life, but the one’s I did get I am grateful for. I’ve been holding off on writing my suicide note because I want to be in the right mind set when I do so. And I want to say all I need to say and to finish those last little things before I go. All I have is the small hope and faith and belief, and I shall hold onto that. This isn’t my last post, I still have until my birthday to go through with killing myself, but I’m accepting of it now (: which is a big step for me. So, stay lovely, and remember you are. Love from Hailee.
I made a Kik specifically for you guys here on SP. Just in case anyone ever needs or wants to talk, vent, rant, etc privately, it’s anoynomus and I’ll get back to you as quickly as I can. Just so you know I’m here for all of you, whether I know you or not. The username is haileeonsp. Have a lovely night guys.
Greetings. I created an account just now– but I’ve been reading some posts here for quite some time. I hope this type of post is acceptable.
At first glance, you won’t really see me for who I am.
They see a curious wanderer, a determined overachiever, a hopeful soul, an enthusiastic teenager.
They say I bring sunshine, rainbows and butterflies wherever I go.
They think I’m awake at 3 in the morning because I’m eager to learn more about this world, because I’m comforting someone who needs my help, because I’m out running.
And at second glance, you still won’t see me for who I really am.
Because I don’t let you.
I’m awake at 3 in the morning for all of the reasons people assume, and more.
I’m awake because I run – I run from the things that make me sad. I try to outrun them, but how do you outrun yourself?
I’m awake because someone needs my help – and that is me. It’s a constant battle between the part of me who wants to be okay and sees the good in everyone, and the part of me who wants the suffering to end and sees that darkness comes from within.
I’m awake because I want to know more – know more of the why’s and the how’s. I want to understand myself and what’s happening to me. Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe I’ll be okay again. This is the part I hate the most. The demon that makes me stay. The demon that is Hope.
I bring all the bright things with me wherever I go: this way, nobody will see the darkness within me. It’s a show. It’s a lie. I’m a lie. I’m a liar.
You see, I may have wandered a bit too far away. Hope has disappointed me for far too long, but I’m still here. Suffering, enduring, hoping. Suffering, enduring, hoping…
Are we all lost souls trying to find meaning in our miserable lives?
About a year ago I lost a job I was with six years…that’s around the time I lost my fiancé of 6 years. It was mainly due to depression and really stupid choices. I never cheated on her but I guess I was kind of a mean drunk. I found new work but couldn’t hack it there and ended up leaving and getting buried in credit card debt. I still haven’t been able to get out. I was with a job the last couple months that I really thought I could make work. Mostly due to my depression I started to despise it. Found myself quitting today and at the middle of the day making out with a stripper at a strip club. So disgusted with my choices right now. I really see no way of turning things around and really leaning towards killing myself. Think it needs to be tomorrow.
I have been the happiest I’ve been in years these past few months. I’ve been feeling confident and beautiful but today all my depression flooded back. I know it’s going to be bad again. I’m not going to be able to get out of bed again. I have a beautiful 5 month old Husky. He is my best friend in the world and I love him so much. He doesn’t really care for me though haha but I don’t mind because I love him so much. But I know I’m not going to provide him with the care he needs anymore. I knows this hole I’m in right now is going to consume me for a while and he deserves better than having to stay in his crate until 1 pm because I slept through all of my alarms. I’m going to have to give him up. It breaks my heart because he’s all I have. I don’t have a human best friend and my mom does her best to pretend to like spending time with me and like me in general but I know she doesn’t. And it’s okay because I understand. But basically I’m going to have to endure months of isolation and sadness just like last summer.(I went out with friends a total of 3 times the whole summer) I’m going to miss my baby so much by I know he’ll be better off without me.
It’s by one of my favourite internet writers, he always has a good way of knowing the underlying meaning in things:
For those who don’t want to read it, it’s about how today’s social dynamics abuse and imprison the arbitrarily selected bottom few. It’s mainly about the time of adolescents but I think it explains all stages of life. Because of the way the world works, it needs an amount of people in the bottom for it to function and it doesn’t care how much mental damage this causes those unfortunate enough to be caught in the “shit pit”. It’s one of those harsh reality articles so be aware.
Why am I posting it? Because I’ve been stuck there since adolescents and it has taken a toll on me. Since I didn’t have the proper outlets, it has effected many different parts of my life and has left me a useless shel or a person I am today.
I want to commit suicide because I don’t want to be subjected to this kind of treatment. I don’t want to have a horrible, unfulfilling life because my suffering is necessary for the success of others who would look down upon me.
To this day I can’t believe the social brutality which is allowed to continue.
Does anyone else feel this or know what I’m talking about?
thank you for reading
I’m sorry for the demon I’ve become.
You should be sorry for the angel you are not.
I wonder how its gonna be when I don’t wake up.
Some words when spoken can’t be taken back.
I’m becoming more and more comfortable with the idea.
Everything is ready. Except for my family. I don’t want any one to miss me. Not like they will anyway. If I was still jumping, this would be so much easier. Blame it on a chute failure. Pour me from my boots and into a grave.
Now the biggest enemy I face is myself. I’ve got a fairly reliable method for self-disposal. One that has proved to be the most suitable for me.
Emotionless emptiness loneliness listlessness
The unit I was assigned to has a ritual.
One round of the caliber of ammunition that you fire, an expended shell from your mirror, and a triple shot of your favorite drink. Arrange the items on a table. Say what needs to be. Then crossover.
I’m in my blues. Sitting at my table. On the table is one round of hornady 357sig hp, my favorite round. One expended casing of 7.62×39 fmj. As well as a full bottle of Johnny Walker blue label. Pandora is tuned to some incoherent noise, loud enough to muffle the sound of my silent pleas. The concept of eternal slumber is appealing.
I will ablige to the requests from schism and spiral out.
It never comes out right, never quite like it is in my head. I always come off like an angry, whiney freak when I try to explain to you how I feel. The truth is, I don’t think I’m actually an annoying person or a whiney one or even angry. I’m just sad, ya know? And stressed. Anxious. I’ve had a lot of messed up stuff happen in my life, much like most of you. I don’t think I am any better or worse. But I feel like I don’t belong here or anywhere. It’s like, I try to connect with someone, anyone, and it always comes off wrong. Seriously, I’m just so done trying. I can’t seem to find anything to live for anymore. I guess, all I can come up with is my best friend, who really needs me right now. Once she’s doing better, who knows.
I need some advice. The more people respond to this thread the better, please.
Some of you might recognize me and know what I’m going through, well I may have found a way out.
There’s this scholarship I can apply for that will allow me to go to Japan for a degree. I match almost all the requirements, the only thing left to do would be the knowledge test. But…
I will die next year, that’s a real fact. So what if I get the scholarship? An entire government will put their trust in me, but I will fail them and end up dying. All the resources they’ll invest on me will go to waste because I won’t even graduate.
So, is it worth the try? Maybe someone else needs that scholarship, someone that will make it until the end, graduate and be a brilliant professional. I don’t want more people to waste time in me, because I’m not worth it. I would love to get to know Japan and be away from my parents, but I will fail everyone. I don’t want to be selfish.
this is more to do with the comments than the post itself, i tried to write a comment but it didnt seem to post, so ill just put it here, as you can see its long, perhaps theres a word limit on comments? either way after writing so much i would be irritated to just delete it
Wow, this one really blew up didnt it? Just a couple of pints id like to add after reading all the comments.
Firstly is the discussion over ways to help, @salt you know i agree with what you say regarding more serious members need more serious help instead of lighthearted, yes, you are right. When someone is on their last legs and coming here for serious help, one liners and humour will drive them away, at such times only in depth shit has any chance of working. and i know a good few serious people would have been driven away by inadequate replies they were given when they came here and quite possibly went on to kill themselves. and it haunts me, same way as every confirmed suicide does (and i remember watching the news when one of those was reported, tho didnt make the connection to this place) every day i think, if only i had been here, if only i had taken the time to not leave the sight, if i hadnt been so self absorbed trying to get my own shit together then maybe i could have been here to give the indepth talk that may just have kept someone from leaving, and every confirmed death, even ones you dont mention (i believe lon3spartan was confirmed, tho i may be mistaken?) keep me up at night because i didnt try hard enough. and that tends to take away my desire to shoot the breeze on here on “fun” posts because the hardcore members need hardcore help.
That being said its a narrow point of view. there are more than one type of member here, alot of people struggle day to day and come here for some small bt of reliefe where they can discuss topic that bring them joy, whilst also being surrounded by people who know their struggle, in that sence the light hearted stuff keeps them grounded and quite possibly stops psyhotic breaks that could end fataly and sometimes it just gives them a reason to keep going, to put down a knife because they have somewhere to belong. and in that sence members such as @rocketman and @Hazy and indeed all the others are doing a wonderful job of keeping alot of people going, merely with their humour or paintings or whatever, so in a way they do more good here than i do. the problem arrises when you have to differentiate between what user needs what type of response and that can change each day of the week, a user that needs to laugh today might need an indepth and heartfelt conversation the next, we simply have to be vigilant and direct a user into which catagory we think works best. there is no right or wrong way to help on here @salt we just have to be aware of which help to offer. and often we fail and often we fuck up and often we get it wrong and someone else pays the price, and every confirmed suicide and lost member weighs on me but that doesnt mean i blaim the ones who misread the help he needed, merely lament that those who could have given the help that may have worked were not there at the right time, tho you, salt were there for at least on confirmed and ive no doubt if there was anything that could have worked you would have found it.
Next point, letting go of a hand for some people and keeping tight to others? fuck that, in my time here ive only ever let go (conciously) of a handful (excuse the pun) of people and that was only when i ran out of every thing i could think of, and thankfuly the last time i gave a blessing of departing was to you, and we know how thats turned out. I understand that some people are just ready to go, and nothing we can do can help, but that doesnt mean we should give up until the bitter end, where theres life there is hope, untill they take their method in hand and set it in motion there is always a chance to save them, no matter how remote a chance it is there, if we can find it. so i believe we should never let go of a hand, until the door of death, regardless of what it may do to our own mental health.
with regards to the current regime of zero tolerance to posts. by and large i agree with you, hell i made posts that had no buisness being here, be they detailed method related or a couple hundred comment long post that was just members telling jokes, but that was all in the old days. I do agree there needs to be more discression with regards to posts that get deleted, some posts might infringe upon the rules but shouldnt be deleted as that post may be necessary for the poster, or even the comunity itself, so by and large i agree that alot of posts should be left and people in charge of deleting them need to step their game up. however there are some posts that havbe come here that should not be left up, and ill happily say it that i have reported a handful of posts in my day, ones that had no buisness being here. only one of those was method based and the reason for it was the method was just too damn accessible, and far too detailed, it was more of a how too guide than anything that could have been remotely close to a good thing to let desperate suicidal people access to. now that was a good good while ago, and i dont know if that user came back, but it was not a decission i took lightly, and i understood what having their post deleted could have done to that person but allowing detailed, how too guids on here is incredibly dangerous, i dont mind discussing methods, and will happily do that but i draw the line at tying the noose, general posts about methods should be left but the more serious ones shoud be discussed only with members capable of dealing with that information and not blasted out so anyone having a bad da can walk to their pharmacy, pick up everything they need there and have it over with in less than an hour. by all means discuss it over email but this place has rules for a reason, to protect its members, now do i believe in all the rules? hell no, and i often skirted them many a time but the basic rule of methods (while it should be relaxed) still has to hold some sway, and as for taking on more moderators? why dont you voulenteer, youd be pretty good at it.
Last point i think, banning members, you mentioned a user who was volatile to other members, if he is the one i remember, then his presence was a danger, if not for stronger members his comments alone would have pushed me over the edge, and it came damn close, tho there is a chance that was a different user, a slim chance but a chance none the less. now if a user like that could nearly push someone like me over the edge (granted i was a complete and utter mess back then) do you really think he had a right to be here? i understand lashing out, i understand hurting other, but doing so deliberatly and taking enjoyment out of it has no place here, if when he was banned he killed himself? i dont know but he had a chance, many users tried and failed to talk to him. people who come here hurting everyone else, if they cant be helped fast need to be quarantined because if not the damage they can do is as fatal as it is immense, this is a place of saftey and peace, often its distruptive but no one who comes here should ever be pushed further twards killing themselves, the good of the members, each and everyone of them has to be priority, anyone threatening the mental health of anyone on here should be dealth with as quickly as possible, if its not possible to get them to not be an asshole to people who clearly cant handle it then they have to be removed
I think thats all i wanted to say, a bit longer than i intended, my bad
Peace & Love,
P.S. I dont mean to be so active recently, ill keep posts like this to the minimum
The Wendy Williams show is on. I can’t find the damn remote, I can’t change the channel on the frickin cable box without the damn remote. And I swear on all that is Holy that if I hear these women yell whoop-whoop one more time I just might end it. ( it gonna take a talk show to drive me over the edge ? ) screw it. I’ll be in the garage if anybody needs me.
I’m not very sure why I made this account, but you all seem nice enough. I don’t have a bad life. I have loving parents, an annoying brother, and many friends that love and care about me. So it isn’t really fair for me to complain, right? But every single day is filled with anxiety and fear that I will do something wrong. I am a perfectionist and someone who worries a little bit too much. My hands are shaking as I type this because I fear that it will be something that I will regret starting for the rest of my life. Oh. How typical of me. I am such a melodramatic teenager. And I will admit that I am, because I am that. Does that make sense? I’m talking gibberish now. I just wish I were more confident, more willing to share what is on my mind. I wish I could raise my hand and respond confidently to the teacher’s question without making sure that I absolutely, one hundred percent, know the answer. I wish I could talk to that one boy that I like without worrying what he will think of me thirty years later when he looks back and doesn’t even remember me. I wish that I had the confidence to tell that one girl in my class that she is an absolute, stuck-up snob who really needs to learn when to shut up. All of these are little things. More importantly, I wish I could just be happy with what I have and not have this burning anxiety in me. Yes, I know. I know that people have it worse than me. I know that so many people would love to have my life. I know that I am ungrateful of what I have. But at the same time, when you already have everything, there is always the opportunity to sulk on the far too many things that you do have.
Everyone seems pretty adamant I’m going to college tomorrow. They don’t understand that I don’t need college, I’m doing a bakery business and I’m going to write. Wasting my time and effort at college doing art is stupid when I could be writing, or starting up the bakery.
I gave a hint about me not going, and my mum blew up at me on several occasions today. Great. I need to just avoid it all week until Friday, and tell my therapist. She’ll get it across into my Mum’s thick skull that I don’t need college. I’m going to fail anyway so why drag it out for another 2 months?bi may as well just drop out now.
I could probably pretend I’m going into college in the morning, and instead go the library to research, or go to the shop and preorder things for my bakery. Or I could get a doctor’s appointment just to get out of college instead.
Because my Mum’s gone to bed she’s made me go to my room (it’s not even midnight yet), so I have my TV on loud just for the heck of it.
I’ve started planning out a new novel, too. So I have that to focus on as well. I stayed away from everyone all day so I didn’t annoy them with constant talking and energy, and yet I’m still yelled at for stupid things – which sets my anger off that has been awful since I’ve been so hyper, so things have been said which probably shouldn’t have. But I couldn’t care less about it.
On another note, I have a few basic phrases for some of the places I’m stopping in during my trip, and I’ve made a list of things to take – all of which done while I should’ve been doing an essay that’s due tomorrow. This is more important, though. Everyone just needs to get it. Christ, it’s not that hard.
I don’t want to die. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. I want to be fulfilled. But I don’t think I can be.
So instead, I’m this poisonous, negative force. Because I can’t be happy, I want everyone else to be unhappy as well. I want to drag them down to my level, so I don’t feel so jealous and inferior.
I think maybe it would be better if I was dead. I don’t think I have it in me to come to terms with how much I’ve fucked up my life. And I can’t see any way to really live a fulfilling life. And it’s just….sad, that the only way I can feel a bit better about everything is by thinking about other people being reduced to my level. I guess misery loves company.
It sounds childish and naive, but part of me wishes people like me didn’t exist. Then everyone could just be ok. Not perfect, but ok. You wouldn’t have a world where people were constantly putting each other down, trying to make themselves feel better about their own sense of inferiority. Competing for rank and status, money and power, to try and cover up their weaknesses. Imagine if everyone was just…nice, and at peace. There’d still be death, and illness, and horrific car accidents. But imagine a world where no one felt the need to be an asshole about things. Where everyone could fulfill their emotional needs, without having to get one over on somebody else.
Shit, I’m sure it’d be deathly boring. It just seems like such a pity. There’d be so much more happiness in the world if some of us weren’t trying to pass our pain onto others as a coping mechanism. Instead you have defective assholes like me absorbing all this negativity, failing to deal with it, and then trying to pass it off on others. Maybe something for our future robot overlords to consider.
I’ve have slept through three alarms, miraculously I’m awake relatively early in the morning.
I’ll lay here, on my sleeping bag, wool blanket, yoga mat combination for an hour at least.
Neglecting all needs.
Half ass wondering what has sucked pleasure from my life and has left me a husk, a shadow of my former self.
Until I stop carrying and I day dream of much more entertaining thoughts.
Like, wouldn’t it be nice;
If I woke up in an alternate world.
Woke up in a game.
Or not at all, and instead of day dreaming about life that could be… Oh fuck it, you’re stuck.
Stop dreaming stop being.
Apathy is burning bridges.
I feel like there is nothing I can do.
So I do nothing.
-To being young and dumb and full of squandered opportunities
Hello all, please forgive me if my English is weird. It is not my first language.
Anyways here goes nothing and I am new here:
I have been wandering on Internet and seeking suitable suicide-related or depression-related websites. I stumbled across this website and had thought about signing up. So I did and started out by reading how others deal with their side of Depression and stories. We live in different places so maybe there are some alternative ways of coping stress-related or anything negative. I have been suffering from depression for more than a decade now and at times, self-harm for pain relief. I have been in and out of hospital due to Depression but I am living and breathing here. Constantly I did not know why I am still living here or even facing challenges in my life when I couldn’t even handle myself. However, I take things in a different way.
If I can’t handle this way, what about the other ways? I want to use my experience in coping Depression to help others.
A lot of people had mentioned that I am too kind but this is the way I am. I want to help people and to listen or to read about their problems. Despite all that, I’m a human as well. I have my fair share of ups and downs. I believed and very aware that people other than myself have experienced way more than I do. There are some situations that I have not been through so I can only imagine how it feels like and give positive encouragements to those who need it. Yes, life doesn’t always get better, still at some point, you will find it more meaningful in a positive way. That will be the time you can actually see the bright side of your life (and mine too). Depression doesn’t need a reason to explain. It can be anything and everything. Sometimes, all you need is some alone time. Anywhere far from the very things and/or people that hurt you and a serene place for you to think about things you like. I find that taking a walk in the morning is really relaxing because it is not the peak period of people coming out. You can observe how the stalls and shops being set up or how the nature sounds like. When the morning sun shone on my face, I feel energized, happy and relaxed.
Yes, I still have to face work related issues and family issues (I’m 24 btw). I would still have to face my own Depression and on my medications as well. Controlling the intake of my anti-depressants works because I did not want to rely on them too much. However, it is not a good choice. Kindly seek medical assistance and talk to your doctor when it comes to medications for Depression and anything related to it. It’s not wise to throw it away or change the dosage without seeking medical advise. If anyone needs to write emails to me (if you want) about your problems, I can try my best to give encouragements and also to be of a reader to your problems. Like I have said, there are things that I did not experience so I can only imagine of how you feel and putting myself in your shoes to think of the best ways to resolve.
Thanks for reading!
My email: email@example.com (Don’t spam it please).
It’s fucking 7:11am in the NZ here I am woken up looking after my brother’s kids have to fucking do all the shit he would if he was here
- Feed them cereal
- Make my nephew’s lunch
- Get them dressed into their superhero costumes
- Have their bags by the door
- The whole time I’m doing this make sure they don’t cause World War 3 or argue over a stupid felt/marker because they are currently colouring in, in their books.
- Also make sure my niece doesn’t press the button on her Elsa dress that plays the whole song of let it go because I might be prone to pull my hair out….
I’m such a ***** in the mornings my nephew tripped on his bottle and I was like “have a nice trip?” I feel like clawing my eyes out. The fucking mother does nothing because she gets what she wants… Not my fault my brother is whipped *whip noise* every Tuesday, Thursday and second weekend he comes over to the unit to annoy the fuck out of me and make me feel pity for him because he wants to get back with his abusive wife who has cheated on him -.- FFS he’s a fucking idiot also he fucking involves me in his fucking drama it’s like fuck off I don’t want to deal with it I got my own shit to deal with don’t need your shit added on, on top of it. So he fucking leaves at 5am leaves me to deal with this shit as usual. *flips table* he’s the one who had kids either the condom broke or he wasn’t wearing one either way he is the father he should take more responsibility of his kids I find it ironic and quite hilarious that he calls me a looney/crazy person let he leaves his kids with me hmmmm? Fucked up logic much? I also have to watch my step nephew this weekend and he is a absolute spoilt snot who needs a slap or two but he’s never been hit before. Why put up with this shit you may ask? To simply put it I’m scared of my brother especially since hes quit drugs he is also quitting smoking and he is unbeatable one wrong thing said and he is like a ticking time bomb who has gone off *explosion noise*
Someone kill me please 🙁
I’m done with life
I am a person who needs a lot of guidece.
I’m reading a book by Gandhi.
I’m reading a red letter edition of the NIV Bible.
I’m keeping a journal and I write whatever comes to my mind and tear out what I don’t like.
I often just nod or shake my head when I’m asked a question.