I feel like i need to come clean. But I can’t talk to anyone without terrifying repercussions.
I want help, but help might be taking away every reason I have to live for.
What happens to suicidal people who reach out for help?
I’ve tried talking to therapists. After an hour (an expensive hour) most look at me wide eyed with shock. “That’s where you teach? Those are the kids you work with? What do you do when you don’t feel safe at work?”
Or sympathetic, “I’m so sorry that you are losing the use of your legs. It must be awful to be in pain all the time. I’m sorry you are hurt”
Or confused, “your family is so supportive. Your parents are still together. It sounds like your husband loves you very much”
Or soooo not helpful, “between the medication you’re on, and the way you’ve explained things, it sounds like you’ve got a handle on it. You’re doing the best that can be expected. Well, you know you’re self the best”
Or false, “I will check on you next week (complete silence for a month). I read your history but tell it to me again anyway. Is that disease even real? Let’s test you one more time to make sure.”
If I tell my doctor I’ve planned out how to kill myself pending the outcome of the next specialist visit (because I am so done with seeing specialists that tell me it’s a pain management game and there’s no cure and to learn how to adjust my life accordingly, care for yourself and you won’t be a burden blah blah)… Would he take me off my anti depressants/anxiety meds? Would he call…. Someone? A crazy person house? My husband?
I mean, the meds can’t be working if I can calmly plan my own death.
If I tell my husband, he will involve my parents and send everyone into a panic and I will end up seeing more money-hoovering therapists.
If I tell anyone at work – health recovery, staff assistance, will I lose my job! Will I ever be allowed to teach again (assuming they meet their goal of me not dying). I mean, I don’t tell the kids I teach that I have a death wish. I don’t condone suicide in public, that would be irresponsible of someone in my profession. I’m only considering it because of how fucking useless I will be/am slowly becoming because of my genetic disorder.
How can I get help for the way I’m feeling… if there’s no cure for my fucking syndrome. If all that will happen is being locked up/losing my job (the only thing I feel I am doing that’s worth something)/freaking the fuck out of my family?
Everytime I think about having kids I spontaneously burst into tears. The specialist appointment is to tell me if I can have kids, or if they’ll end up with the same genetic defect I have. If I will even survive having kids. After all, caring for kids and helping them is the only thing I am really good at. The only way I feel my life is with living.
I won’t be physically able to teach forever. But having kids is forever. Even when I’m all handi”capable” they can’t take my kids away because I’m not physically able to chase after them. If my husband says no adoption, after the doctor says no kids, I might as well end everything right there rather than slowly becoming a burden and drain on our relationship and resources.
What happens if I tell someone how I’m feeling? Will they take everything away from me? I want help, but …
Now I realize why nobody responded to my earlier suicide note. I’m too fucking wordy and not actually depressed enough to merit any answers.
2 comments
Same kinda thing happening to me. Every therapist I managed to see said the same kind of things or told me flat out ‘I cant help you’.
Its us, the ones who can cover up our depression or suicidal thoughts or can talk calmly about it all that get brushed aside. We are the ones that really need the help, I believe, as we are in the final stages.
I once told my doc I had a plan, & all he basically said was ‘ try these expensive pills & see me in 2 weeks’. Asshat.
If you are suicidal and in crisis, call your community’s Crisis Line, 911 (or your country’s equivalent), or go to the Hospital ER. That’s probably the most efficient way to get immediate help if you’re in a moment of crisis. If you aren’t in crisis, your doctor’s or therapist’s approach might be different. They’ll want to get to some of the underlying issues taking place. Your psychiatrist might add/delete/adjust any medications you might be on. They’ll want to make sure you have some type of a social network to rely on when things get tough.
The medications aren’t a miracle answer. They can help… Absolutely… but sometimes it takes a multiple approach to tackle things. Sometimes the medications can even make things worse… and that’s when it’s important to let your doctor know. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, it might be a good idea to work with your provider and stop taking that medication.
If your work has an Employee Assistance Line or offers benefits, use them. Call the Assistance Line. They can often route you to resources. Here in the US, employers often want their employees to call the Line when they face challenges. An employee seeking help and working through struggles makes for a more productive employee… win-win. The employee gets help and the employer keeps a good employee. I wouldn’t announce it at work, however. It’s your personal business.
Getting locked up isn’t the only solution… so I wouldn’t put that worry head of everything else right now. What I would look at is what’s working and what isn’t. If those expensive therapy sessions aren’t working, ask for a change in providers. Sometimes it takes a few providers to find one you “click” with. I speak from experience on that. Different therapists use different styles. Maybe getting help in a different manner will be an asset.
The important thing for the moment is getting the help you need. Everything else is secondary. In addition to therapy, see if there are support groups in your community. They might help you.
You’re reaching out… and it seems like you want to get better… Keep reaching out.