i wish someone would pull my heart out like in Once Upon a Time so I couldn’t feel this pain anymore
its not huge pain but this silent deadly one
that makes you gasp like you’re drowning ever so slowly
there’s a constant lump in my throat and racing thoughts in my mind as i wish someone asked me how i am
and expected me to say more than “i’m fine” because they knew that it was bullshit
i wish that someone looked at me and knew that i had been crying the night before
because i felt so lonely because no one answered me, but i continually brushed it off because i know that people have lives
at the same time i want someone to talk to me first in a caring way i want someone to care for me as i care for everyone else around me
i want someone to pick me up and tell me that its my turn now
but i know that will never come because people are so ignorant about everyone around them
there’s an anger burning inside of me and one day the flames will consume me and burn my heart
there’s also a river of sadness that will drown me in my own god damn tears because i can’t keep my shit together for one fucking night
another part of me has an empty hole of loneliness that is connected my brain constantly telling me that i will never be good enough
one day all of these things are going to burn me, drown me, and swallow me whole until i can’t breathe anymore
but until then i feel the fire inside of me grow becoming stronger and stronger
and the river flowing more and more until it pulls my unconscious body under the surface where the tears will flow over me
and that black hole; it’ll suck the life out of me
until my emotions consume and kill me
i will be in my own purgatory
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3 comments
Stop feeling the pressure to say you are fine. With someone that you trust be honest with your feelings. That might be the friend who stays with you at your doctors appointment to ensure you don’t sweep how you are really feeling under the carpet. There is a huge amount of secrecy when it comes to mental health. Don’t be silent about how you are really feeling, it doesn’t need to be so hard.
Really?? It doesn’t need to be so hard?? I feel exactly like this person does…and I don’t keep it a secret and let me tell you, not keeping it secret doesn’t make it one bit easier. It hasn’t for me anyway. Fact is, just about everyone in anyone’s life, doesn’t want to hear how anyone really is. People ask, “how are you?” and I want to say, “Do you really want to know? Of course you don’t” so I usually just ignore the question. Even family and friends don’t want to hear the truth most of the time. Cant’ blame anyone for being sick of listening to someone be a downer, but at the same time, who gives a shit what other people think of how we ourselves feel, ya know? We should be able to say, “I’m not doing that great” and have people not be so nervous, embarassed, and unable to cope w/ that answer that they slink out not knowing what to say. We should be able to say, “I’m feeling pretty horrible actually” and get a hug, or a “want to talk about it?” or something but that doesn’t happen, does it? Not hardly ever.
To the OP..for what it’s worth, you have said very eloquently exactly how I feel. Hugs to you.
very well put. yes, it would be nice if the normal people had some kind of understanding of what we experience. they do not, and in actualality im really glad they dont. the fewer people who have to live with this the better. we get a lot of bad press, and people are scared of us. i am tired of reassuring people than im not homacidal. the suicidal part has mellowed into the strong death wish phase. anger does not serve us well at all. anger and rage hindered me for so long and did great damage. the anger is born from the frustration we feel in dealing with this and the feeling that no one cares, and nothing can be done. well, we are wrong. things can be done, its just that WE have to find them. its a shame that our mh system is so broken that we come to a suicide forum for help. its the 21st century people, we should be able to do something about this