I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m trying to say no but the blade keeps calling. I hate it! I hate me, I hate my sexuality, I hate the names, the looks, the comments at school, I hate the preppy bitches who get their pleasure from my pain, I hate this!!!! I can’t take much more, one month clean and I’m struggling, Mary moved on, I’m lost, I’ve got 100lbs of pressure on me to be perfect. I’m trying but I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I don’t have any more distractions. What do I do? Who do I turn to? My dad flat out told me I can’t be gay. That he can’t look at me and see a gay girl.I have to like guys and only guys. I cry myself to sleep at night. I have to be the strong one while my grandpa is dying of cancer. While my other grandpa is sick. While my cousin is dying of cancer, While my dad is lying, while my mum is in constant pain. I have be the mum. I can’t take it….. I wan’t to die. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Maybe then I’d be at peace. Everyone is turning their backs to me. I don’t know who I can talk to or even trust… would anyone notice if I died? I don’t eat much anymore. At 120 now. Most days I only eat dinner. I can’t keep the food down and I can’t take the comments and snickers at lunch period. I don’t want to eat. I mean whats another something wrong with me huh? Why not add eating disorder to the list right? Too bad I can’t do most drugs. Maybe if I could I wouldn’t be so fucked up right now…
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I am sorry it sucks that we need other peoples’s approval to feel good about who we are. You are surrounded by people who are suffering and while that is heart breaking you have to remember you had the courage and brilliance to know who you are as a person without conforming to what others want for you. Haters will hate, at the end of the day to thy own self be true. Huge respect for your courage!
I agree it does suck that we feel the need for others approval… Thank you for the support and the compliment.. It helps to know that others in fact DO support me. Thank you
I remember your story, under a different username though? I am sorry you are still stuck in that situation. Try to be strong and not cut. You can do this! Look how much you have survived already. hugs
Yeah I changed it…. People suck… Anyway thanks for the continued support. *virtually hugs back
Dear Slowly_Fading,
You matter and things are going to get better. Much, much, much, much better. You just have to survive this horrible time. Then you’ll go to college and become free to be who you are. Away from all these toxic influences in your life. I promise you, I’ve been there, I’m living proof, and so are every single one of my friends. You are experiencing the single most awful time in your life that you’ll ever have. This also happens to be the best time that those other people will ever have in their lives, and it’s all downhill from there. You are going to be happy, I promise you, just hang on. Don’t fight – just pretend. Nod and do and say what people want to hear. You can’t win right now. But you’re going to win in the long run. Believe this because it’s true. Focus on your education now, on learning things, on becoming good at things. Make yourself an interesting person – for people who deserve to have you in their lives.
HANG ON!!!!
I will definitely try to hang on and get through this but some days are just so much harder than others. I hope you’re right about me being happy later.. Thank you for the support.
I agree with BlueSteel on this! The weird (and glorious) thing about college is suddenly the preppy girls don’t have their “power” or cliques anymore and everyone is on a level playing field. You’ll be able to find tons of people who accept you and who are going through similar things. Almost every college I know has a LBTQ group that offers amazing support.
Just hang in there. I’m so sorry about your sick family members, and that is a totally different kind of suffering and loss, but you can get through this and once you are free from the pressures of your family and the stress of school, you will feel infinitely better!
Yeah next year I’m signing up for PSEO at my school under my counselors reccomendation and she is going to see if any of the colleges that do PSEO with my school have housing options in the LGBT sections. Then I would be out of the house and I would be taking college courses for free with support from the others in the LGBT dorm.
Just want to say you are brave and awesome for recognizing you have a right to be yourself, you should be allowed to revel in and celebrate your orientation, and you should absolutely not have to be a “mother” to others while you’re still a kid. You deserve better.
If there’s no one sympathetic in your family, please consider seeing a school counsellor or a counsellor at a drop in centre (or better yet, a full-fledged therapist) if you have access to some in your community. Someone trained to listen empathically. Your local LGBT centre (especially outside of your school) could possibly be of help as well. (There is no shame in lying about where you’re going if you’re doing it to protect yourself from harm– including emotional harm.)
When kids are expected to be grown up or to take care of others from a young age, this can do severe damage as they become older, because it sends terrible messages about how worthy of protection they are, and even how “lovable.” Please try not to internalize (like I did) that you aren’t worth being cared for, loved, or protected. You are worth all of it. You deserve better. You can do great things in your future if you find the strength to hang in there and get past this. (And down the road, your father might even come around and finally support your orientation. Believe it or not, it happens!)
Thank you for the support. I am seeing a school counselor sometimes but I freeze up and put a mask on every time I go to talk to her. (my guess is that it has to do with the abuse in my past) It’s just hard for me to tell adults the truth when I try to tell some adults close to me but they end up talking condescendingly to me. Every time I just want to scream at them that I’m not an illiterate 5 year old who doesn’t speak English!I try not to internalize it but it’s all I know… I would see a therapist if I had any kind of money haha. I really do hope you’re right that it will get better. Thank you for the support!