Here I am. It’s almost 2015, and I’m so determined that this is my year…to die. Because I’ve been planning this for three years. I always told myself as soon as I turn 21, and if things aren’t any better, than it’s time. I’ve explained my story before so there’s no need to go through that again. Right now, I just see no point of going on…I had everything worked out for my life. College, be a nurse, married, kids….blah blah blah. But I can’t even get through college right now. My Gpa is so fucking low that I’m possibly going to get kicked out. And I studied my ass off and it didn’t even work. My adviser told me I won’t be able to to get into the nursing program. So nursing is off my list. Actually college is just completely off. My parents will be so disappointed with me. I feel like a failure. Like everyone is better than me. I have no talents. I am not smart. I am ugly and that’s just one of my main problems. My appearance. But now it goes deeper than that. I just don’t have a purpose in my life. I am here for no reason. I’m scared to work a job (this is my first time typing/saying this) because my last experience was so horrific and scary. My last job I got fired because I wasn’t really needed. And these are just retail jobs. So ever since then I’ve been afraid to work and this was two years ago. I still never had my first boyfriend, because the last guy who I thought liked me, just wanted me for sex.
I can always predict what happens with my life. All the time. I predict everything and it happens…So I predict that I will be dead before Valentines day. I predict that 2015 is my year to die. I’m not going to finish this life. When I say I have no purpose for life, I seriously have no purpose here. I’m not good at anything. Every time I think I’m good at something, someone is there to shoot it down. I thought art was my passion, but my art teacher told me her 5 year old son could do better. I thought writing was my thing, but my English teacher and everyone else told me my writing sucks. I thought I was going to be a nurse, and save children’s lives and help them heal. I truly thought this was my purpose. But the Nurse director told me I wouldn’t even get into nursing school. Now I can’t even finish college. So what am I doing with my life exactly? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I have it all planned out. The way this story ends. That’s probably my only purpose here. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about committing suicide to be honest. And it’s going to very happen soon.
2 comments
I’m so sorry you’re suffering so much, it’s all so hard, things looking so bad.
But you’re not even 21! I promise you something: it gets better. No, really, I promise you, because it’s true. I’m not telling you that it gets magically awesome, but it gets better. You’re being too hard on yourself. You need supportive people in your life. You deserve to know that you matter because you do. Your appearance doesn’t matter, don’t believe anyone who tells you that it does. I’m sure you’re fine, just make an effort and have good hygiene and that’s it, if people don’t accept you then f’ em.
You’re too young to know what you can be good at. Just keep at it, fight on. Work retail, that’s fine, just show up every day and do your job and you’ll be fine. Keep trying in school, ignore people who discourage you like that ridiculous teacher, just keep trying. If you want to do nursing then keep at it. You can do it!
But why? Why bother fighting and keeping on? Because one day you’ll fall in love and one day you’ll go to Hawaii and one day you’ll do the work you love. Hope. Hope for these things, thrive for them, do it.
What have you got to lose? It doesn’t cost you anything to hang on and hope and you may just have your dreams come true. Stay off of drugs and alcohol and religion and keep away from negative people and you’ll be fine.
Been a while since I’ve been on here, got a messy mind of my own so clearly I am in a position to advise others (no). However, I’m sure BlueSteel’s words were well-intended and genuine (at least, as genuine as they can get when they are aimed at an anonymous suicidal young adult on the Internet) but I’m going to mostly disagree with him/her.
I’m only 19 so I can’t completely call bogus on the “it gets better” line quite yet, but even if in 5, 10 or 50 years it DOES get better, by the time you get there you’ve already lived half of your life by simply surviving and striving for something that you don’t even know exists. You’d have been alive but not living, feeding on that (false) hope to give you sustenance.
I’m trying to think of a reason why me saying this is helpful or how I can make a point out of it… but I can’t so I’m moving on to the next topic.
Appearance. This is an issue that we both have in common. Good-looking people have their fucking lives set out for them on a bright little yellow brick road, easy peasy. I really cannot compute how somebody can try to counter that hypothesis. Sigh, I’m sorry this isn’t helpful in the slightest so i’m going to stop talking soon.
What I will say is this. If you really believe for a long while without any doubts that killing yourself is the way to go, then in my opinion you should do it and you’ll die well. I’d advise against becoming like all too many of the people on this website who beg for an internet stranger to put them out of their misery, I find them to be quite pathetic. Jeez I really tried to say something useful and failed miserably, this is really disappointing.
The only reason why I’m actually going to post this is because I want to say that BlueSteel’s quote “Stay off drugs and alcohol and religion” was amusing and I wish more pop-stars and political representatives would add religion to their list of things to tell school kids to avoid.
One last thing. We can both agree that happiness exists. It’s a thing that actually exists. It’s simply chemicals in our brain or whatever the fuck it is, but we’ve both experienced it and we know it’s good. Is it worth the depressing, self-destructive thoughts that fill our mind in-between our ‘highs’? I don’t know. But I know that when I’m happy, in that moment, I feel really goddamn good.