You just don’t fit? Like everything has just come together wrong and you somehow stopped being right in your own life (if you ever even were) and there’s just no place for you? Like maybe you just came off the assembly line broken? I’m feeling that way tonight (or actually this morning because I’ve spent five hours sitting here contemplating this). Wrong choices, wrong people, wrong planet maybe. I feel like I just don’t fit anywhere, like I never have been “right”, something was wrong from the get-go. It’s been a long time since I have been this low, since I have sat back and watched people move around me like fish swimming in my vision and I’m just observing. I went to a wedding today and I felt so out of place. I tried to put on a smile but I just wanted to run. I feel like all I’m doing anymore is balancing somewhere between pretending and being selfish in my own head. There is nothing real or of substance left in me. I’m too old for this. I am lost. I have responsibilities. I have to be something. But I am tired. It’s been 13 years since I was last in this place and I tried and failed. I brought myself back from the abyss and I clawed my way up and I lived a life for a good while. And now? Now I am here again, and like an old friend, I remember this place at the bottom. I feel like everything I touch turns to shit. Medicine, doctors, I’ve done this dance for years and I’m just so exhausted.
I think about it all the time. I don’t have anyone to tell. I lose in relationships because I hold too tight or they get too close or I let go when I can’t fix them but honestly? I think they can see me. The person that I don’t let anyone see, I think she begins to show when my guard is down. And now my heart is as small and hard as a stone and I’ve let that happen. How long can I keep up appearances when it never seems to get any better and I’m my own worst enemy? I feel so damn alone.
4 comments
hello, hun. I read everything you wrote and, believe me, I get it, I understand. I often feel misplaced, as if this place, the whole universe, is not meant for me, as if it is too heavy and I’m too weak to deal with it. Last year, I found this website. Some people tried to help me then as I’m trying to help you now. I know it’s hard, but we can’t give up. It seems that people like us were not born to be happy, sometimes I feel that I am doomed to live in misery for the rest of my life. But you can’t give up, not now. All those years you’ve been dealing with this, you can’t just throw them away. You may not feel strong right now, but you are, you just need to find something worth fighting for. And it is ok if it takes time, I’m sure that, if you find it (and you CAN find it), you will see that maybe you have a place, that you do fit in.
(sorry about my English, its not my native language)
It can be a dark path to walk when you feel like you’re all alone with the demons in your head.
Put your hand on your chest. You feel that? You’re heart is still beating. It’s still big enough to keep you going, to breath life into your being. It isn’t small and hard, life just has a tendency to make it feel that way sometimes. It isn’t always easy to let people into your chaos, but it is worth it for the moment that they let you know that you actually aren’t alone.
When you have a recurrence of depression, especially so many years after the fact, it can feel like, “Hey–so–what’s the point if I’m just going to feel like this again?”
The point is the struggle. I’m terribly sorry that you’re feeling like this, but I want you to know that you aren’t alone. You’ve found a site that is chalked full of people that are willing to listen, and I’m almost certain there are a number of people in your life that would help you as well.
Keep your head up. Feel the heart beat. Life is worth it. When you fall, just remember that it’s always worth getting back up again.
I get that feeling sometimes. But I had feelings like that more when I was younger.
I really had it bad as a kid and a teenager. I was lost. I had an abusive family. I was very unhappy, had no motivation to better myself. Had no real direction and I hung around the wrong types of people when I was young. But when I got about 24 years of age I started to change everything and I feel better about life now. Im a lot smarter and I make better descisions now. But still things get difficult. I really dont think ife ever really gets perfect
Thank you all for listening and taking the time to respond. I’d never wish anyone else to have to feel this way, but it is comforting to feel like I’m not alone.