please help me

I’m not ok, I’m very far from ok. I’m am more then broken and even more then shattered. I’m don’t feel alive anymore and haven’t for a long time now, many days I have to remind myself that I am still here. My life and life situation is extremely complicated so I will do my best to explain. The worst and most extreme trauma is recent but I’ll save this for last. There are many parts of my life that effects me to this day so I’ll starting from when I was a child to present day and do my best to explain thing simply. But please understand each situation is so complex in its own way I can possible explain it all in one writing. As a child I was abused verbally physically and sexually by my father, and molested by my twin sister. I was annely raped at the age of 14, almost raped again the following year but I was able to get away and I was also held at gunpoint that year. I was bullied and outcasted at school with little next to no friends. The friend i had in my younger years was taken away because her mother was abusing her. I struggled all thru school not just from how I was treated but I have a learning disability called dyslexia which caused me to struggle horribly with school. After 10th grade I refused to go to school anymore I couldn’t take it. Then one morning a random man and women came into my room, took me and drove me hours and hours away to a military type wilderness program in Alabama. This alone was traumatizing and terrifying, I had no clue who these people were or where I was going and after all I had been thru already I was terrified and had no clue what to expect. I was so afraid halfway into the drive without realizing I began to dig my nails into my arm from fear. This program was “supposed” to help troubled kids but parents had no idea where they were sending us, once I was finally home again I told my mom how bad it truly was and what was really going on after over a year n a half of being there. Me along with many other girls had been thru much trauma and abuse some even by their own family members like me and there we weren’t helped but punished for it. Once I came home I got in a abusive relationship, I didn’t see it at first but it started not long after we got together, this person had a very traumatized abused filled past themselves and handled it with extreme anger. For example he verbally terrorizing me and emotionaly abused me, one of those times he pulled out a box cutter and begin to cut his wrists saying he wouldn’t stop till I talked back to him, another time he got angery and threw our dog over a bridge right infront of me, the dog didn’t die thank good he was just really injured but after that I thought to myself what’s next he throws over the bridge? Me? I wanted to believe he would never do this I knew his horrible abused filled past and knew inside he was a great person but I couldn’t take that chance and I left him. Now we get to the part that effects me most present day. There’s a few parts after this relationship.. one I began to get very sick and from 2008 till 2012 was in horrible pain and had no help no dr could figure out what was wrong. In 2012 they finally did a surgery and found out my intestines had been twisted and that part had to be removed, I almost died and to this day I still have these problems and pain and yet again no dr can find what’s wrong again and refuses to do surgery to figure it out to end my pain. During these years and right after that last relationship I spoke of I ment my husband, we were together 6 years married for 5, got married when I was just 19. The whole time we were married I always felt horrible, sad and hurt but I didn’t know why and couldn’t answer when people asked me what was wrong, after years I finally knew it had something to do with my husband and was able to break away from him. After a month of being terrorized and harassed calls emails showing up at the house, contacting my job, one night the day before what would have been our 5 years anniversary he called me up then shot and killed himself while on the phone with. His last words were “you say I’ve been selfish I’ll show u selfish, goodbye!” then the shot and his last breaths. After his death I was able to seek a little help and I went to a few different therapists with the help of my mother, they were all extremely overwhelmed with my story which made me even more hopeless. That’s when I discovered what had truly been going on, my husband had been abusing me for years, had brainwashed and traumatized me, many times using my past to do so and worst of all I discovered that he was a true in the flesh psychopath. This alone was extremely terrifiying and painful to hear, my first thought was “I thought psychopaths were killers and rapests” my second though was “ohhh … he was he murdered himself and had been raping me for years” I know this sounds silly considering I was married to him but I was brainwashed and after the 2 years  in I could no longer handle or wanted to  have sex with him because that was a hug part of his abuse (sexual) I just couldn’t see it and I continued anyway. I remember the first time in 6 years he realized I didn’t want to, it was in that last year of our marriage in 2012 shortly after my major surgery to remove my intestines.  I had finally gotten home after over a week and a half in the hospital I even had to ask him to leave the hospital two different times because of how he was treated me. When u got home I was in horrible pain weak and so tiny from not being able to eat, I knew it wouldn’t be long before he would demand sex so I tried to avoid this by offering to give him oral sex before he could even ask to have sex, my stomach was in so much pain n I knew I couldn’t take it. That held him off a day and he was soon on me again about needing sex, so I did, I layed on the side the pain was the least and as my limp body jilted back and fourth with pain he stopped and said u don’t want this huh and kick me off the bed onto the floor. I truly did love him from beginning to end and because of the brainwashing and losing myself to his abuse and control I couldn’t figure out what was wrong I just knew something was and wanted to fix things but he used sex as a way to traumatize and control me, using my past rape and other abuse I’ve indurded, for example saying I was never anely raped that I wanted it and he would force me to have anel sex as well, to this day I have permanent damage and hemroids to this areas because of it.  The story gets much more complicated and more crazy with events after this there was much more trauma, for example he planned this, he tried to get as many people to blame me as possible which he hoped would throw me into suicide myself. Although his family blamed me after what I saw it did to those that loved him I knew I could never do that to those I love, but that day I died right along with him. My life has never been the same. I have serve ptsd that effects me everyday all the time, I haven’t been able to work or provide for myself in over 2 years, even the most simple of tasks are extremely difficult getting out of bed, showering eating… Some difficulties are also caused by my still ongoing health issues. I have been able to get no help, I have no money so therapy, meds doctors visits all that I can’t do, I got no life insurance from his death because when u decide to die it doesn’t fall under the laws of life insurance assistance. I’m fucked over screwed, sick with no help, died inside and I do know what to do anymore. There is so much more that has happened to me but it’s to much to write and this alone has taken all of me to write. lI don’t want to die but I am only human and can only take some much. Please someone help me