Have you ever had the feeling that you’ve been putting something off for so long that the moment you remember, you feel like you have to do it RIGHT NOW before it’s too late? Before the feeling passes and you’re left indifferent once again, you have to do something. Put it in motion. Write it in your calendar.
Well, that’s how I feel about suicide. And that’s why I guess the feeling is so intense when it comes across. Do it or face the consequences. It doesn’t matter if yesterday I felt like all my problems could be solved. It doesn’t matter if I felt like I could deal with it all. It doesn’t matter if I came up with a solution to it all. Felt like I was invincible.
When it strikes, it strikes. It’s like I just remembered what is facing me if I don’t kill myself. All that happiness was a delusion, a distraction from what’s to come. So why, why can’t you gather the courage to kill yourself. The fear of the future is what makes me want to die. I don’t want to see what is to come.
The only thing that keeps me going is the will to fight. So here I am, still. Thoughts of suicide come on strong sometimes, but I have a plan of how to survive.
Maybe I’ll offer this as a slimmer of hope, maybe it will help some… Sometimes this fall I was so depressed I couldn’t get up from bed. I’ve been doing better, and just yesterday I felt like everything was going to be alright. And then I just felt like I had to die. I think I can still go on, despite it.
Good luck to you all. It’s a struggle, but may life win.
7 comments
Your post reminded me of a movie (I won’t say the title because I’m about to sorta spoil the story) where a character is possessed by a spirit, and the only chance of getting free is to wait for the spirit to turn away for a moment, just long enough for the character to commit suicide.
That’s how I feel, and that’s how your post struck me. We eke through life under some horrible oppressive force, being just content/fearful enough to go on living. But on rare occasions it’s like we have full control of our senses & actions, and those are the moments I feel like I need to kill myself fast. Because if the moment passes, that force will take control again and I’ll be enslaved to the misery of life.
I wish I could be as courageous as you, to push ahead not because you’re just going along with the plan, but because you make a conscious decision to stand and fight the demon. With me, I just want to run away. And the only way out from under the demon’s spell is suicide. Just waiting for the strength to do it.
I feel the exact way about suicide (and a lot of random shit tbh)
Like on Boxing Day the feeling in my head got too much to handle so I tried to get to hanging myself but I didn’t have it planned so it didn’t work and my room is a horrible mess and I felt guilty for leaving such a mess behind so I gotta clean up before I do lol
It’ll be like 2am (like it is now) and I’ll think
Of random stuff and I’ll just have to do it then and there. It’s crazy
Why presume that it is the happiness and the desire to live that are the delusions? is it not equally possible, if not more so that the depression and the desire to die is the delusional state. Do demons (as @Salt describes it) not spread misery and despair, if so does it not make more since that what you, salt, believe to be the time when you are in full control of your scenes are when the demon is most active, trying to convince you to kill yourself? ye say the desire to commit suicide comes when you are in most control, an act to be done before you lose control to either apathy or the inner demon. Is it not also possible that when suicide seems like the most viable option you are in fact most deeply under the depression/demons control?
Both are delusional states. Inanimate objects, and even some animate objects don’t have a point of reference to understand those things, but they seem real to higher primates and other forms of life that have well-evolved craniums.
Salt: I feel like I’m in the process of fighting the world. I’ve been through some shit that was partly my fault, but it also wouldn’t have happened if the world was a better place. So I guess my method of coping is to just assume the world is a shit place and you have to fight to get what you want.
I guess in this metaphor the world is the demon… But it’s not just a demon, because it offers nice things as well. You just need to understand the world to know how to get them. So maybe you don’t have to fight the demon, just understand it and find out what makes it stop giving you shit? And maybe one day you’ll see it’s no demon at all.
Also, maybe you should show the demon he should be scared of you, haha. I don’t know, that makes me feel better, anyhow.
Those are inspiring thoughts. You actually caught me on a good day and I’ll take it to heart… Maybe the trick is to stop being a victim of the demon and turn the tables and kick its ass. Or ideally like you said, realize that there is no demon at all. It’s just a puzzle to solve.
Maybe the answer is just to change your strategy of living, and that’s what it sounds like you’re doing. I’ll make a conscious effort to try that. Today at least. I can always kill myself tomorrow 😉 Thanks for the boost, scars
Funny thing is this is exactly the way I’m feeling right now.
Yesterday I wrote down on a sheet of paper what I want from life and how I get it. I strove to make the handwriting as nice as I could and included as many pictures as I could – all using pen with pretty pink ink. So I have this pink shit right now in front of me and none of this makes sense anymore.
And now I’m bam, on this site. Back to the black after two years of doing ‘umm okay..? I guess..’.
Although I have to disagree in one part. Future is actually quite interesting. Aren’t you ever wondering what becomes of the people you’ve known in your life? What will they achieve, where will they be? What kind of stories will they create? What will this one kid that you know look like in 10 years? Aren’t you wondering about the technologies that we’ll have one day? 3D simulations, new transportation ways, all-having mobile phones – oh the possibilities. It’s a struggle to get there but think of the benefits!