Where to start…

Don’t really know where to start or what I’m trying to achieve so I guess I’ll just empty my thoughts into this box.

Suppose people who read this will think I should have been to some kind of therapy by now but it’s always something I’ve put off out of fear of judgement and being seen to be too sensitive. Kind of hoping that explaining everything here might help a bit, but we’ll see.

So I’ve never known my mother since she left myself, my older brother and my father when I was 2, so me and my brother have always lived and moved around with my father. He was in the forces so we’ve lived all over the place before settling in the South West near Bristol. Now admittedly I was not a calm child and had a real temper on me until I was around 8/9 years old (probably due to a lack of a parent, but i’m no psychologist.) My father re-married when I was 8, now this woman is a real b*tch for multiple reasons (she came from an adopted family so i guess she had an emotionally stressful upbringing.)

Whilst it couldn’t have been easy living with some-one elses child, I was frequently used as her scape goat throughout their relationship. I remember being slapped and scraped with nails by this woman during arguments (I still have some scars.). There was one time where My father and this woman were arguing (as they frequently did about all sorts of things,) and I remember her once screaming at me that they were going to break up and it was all my fault. My father took me to a friend of his’ house and told me that this was nothing to do with me and not to let it effect me. I was 10.

Either way I mellowed out massively in my early teens and always did really well at school (school was always my outlet.) There were a peaceful few years until I was 15 and my Dad had an affair. Obviously this was the catalyst for bat sh*t crazy to finally come out of my step mother. She changed the locks during one day on the house effectively rendering myself, my brother and my dad homeless for the foreseeable future (real pain in the ass halfway through your GCSEs.) My brother and I went up north to stay with my grandparents whilst our dad stayed to try and calm things down. She accused myself and my father of sexual abuse against her, but would drop the accusations in exchange for £15,000. Now after a month and a half away my Dad comes to get me and my brother to say that things are sorted and we can go back.

Only now my step mother has dropped the false allegations but is now pregnant. After living in the house until 17 I’d just had enough and moved out with the financial support of my father. No-body has ever spoken about her allegations or behaviour and to this day I don’t know what people think. Personally I think people like her should be in jail and my Dad should keep his fucking dick in his trousers.

After finishing college and spending a few months in France travelling I made a decision to join the French Foreign Legion where I stayed with 2REG (engineers) for 2 years before buying my contract out and returned back to the UK. After returning I ended up going to university to continue my education. In my first year of university my father came to visit, where he told me he had recently attempted suicide, he stayed the night before going home. This news absolutely destroyed me emotionally. I don’t know if it was me blaming myself for not being around or just the prospect of having my only parent gone. Either way I struggled with the news so much that I stayed inside for 3 weeks and ended up dropping out of university. I ended up attempting suicide myself, took about 100 random pills from the medicine cabinet and went and sat in my car with a hosepipe from exhaust to window. Somebody had obviously seen me and called the police. The Policeman who knocked on the window obviously had a sense of humour because he told me all about how catalytic converters render the car fumes method useless (for those considering.) This is something only myself and the doctors know about to this day. Again, never spoken about it.

A few months later I inherited £60,000 from my Grandparents. Had an older and wiser me inherited this money I have no doubt it would have been used far more wisely, I increasingly look back on this money as a total curse. Still living in a student house this money simply got pissed against the wall. Mostly on Cocaine which admittedly I’ve been partial to for a while. The money lasted 3 years and no family members or close friends are aware that all of the money is gone, which is somewhat of a curse, as I have no real excuse about not turning up to family events or things, and generally means I end up borrowing money and getting into a spiral of debt to keep up appearances.

I have absolutely no sympathy for myself about this as I’ve always recognised that some people won’t earn that amount of money in a decade. Problem being is I just can’t get it out of my head the amount of money I’ve wasted and I plague myself with more thoughts of just taking myself out to solve the problem.

Giving myself 2 weeks to decide whether or not to ‘do the trick.’