Even with my eyes shut tight, I still see it coming now.
I need someone to talk to. I’m apprehensive of calling a suicide hotline, as I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital when I did that half a year ago or so… I sent a message to the staff of one of these suicide hotlines yesterday (you can do that on their website), but it will probably take them a few days to reply.
No, this isn’t the first time I’ve felt my depression tightening its grip at the beginning of a new year… but it is the first time my “post NYE depression” has been this bad. It feels like everything that happened last year is now catching up with me all at once, and I can’t handle that on top of everything else. I’m getting desperate… And no matter where I turn, I still can’t see a way forward.
And I cannot do this for another year. I don’t know what to do?
35 comments
I can hear you very well… there was the time when I was depressed and then the depression began to rise – more, and more, to the point where I saw myself standing on the edge and looking into the dark rift of nothingness. Just, death. Well, it resulted in my suicide attempt and holidays in psychiatric hospital, few weeks ago. So it’s fresh wound that hurts sometimes, but not so much as I remember my visit as a nice one.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can talk to you. And maybe, with the time, the solution to your situation will emerge.
My email is vorkonzert (at) gmail . com and Skype: hyouriko
LittleBead,
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I read your reply on moonlitrose34’s post as well, and your recent experience feels extremely relevant to me with the mental state I’m currently in. I’m sorry to hear that you had to spend your holidays at the hospital, but I’m very glad you’re still with us. How are you today?
Thank you for sharing your story, and for taking the time to reply to my post and talk to me. I truly appreciate it.
Well, I am glad to be alive too…I wasn’t sure so long time ago, but since the matters of my life have started to improve, I am saying – I am glad to be here. The same I am saying about my mandatory visit in psychiatric hospital – I am glad to have spent enough time there to recover from the pain I had been put through. I met nice people, was high sometimes, discovered that I am very sociable and many, many other things about myself I hadn’t known earlier.
I feel good, peaceful somehow, however I am short after mania period (triggered by my “happiness” pills). Things have been getting better for me for a while, of course with ups and downs, it’d be too beautiful not to have them. I am trying not to be too upset because of my failing of school year, it has been my last year before a university. It’s just important to me that finally I want to get something other than death, like English certificate or a job or any other regular thing the people usually enjoy.
The same may be with you. I mean, perhaps it’s only the matter of receiving the therapy and the treatment adjusted to your needs. It may take a lot of time, in my case it lasted so long (3+ years, I’d say that since 2009) that brought me to the suicide, ha. But I’ve been given the help I needed so much and the same I wish you.
Remember that as a cellphone addict I am always here (or rather on my mail) to talk to you, I may not be of great help but I will do my best. I understand what you’re going through…
LittleBead,
Thank you for sharing more of your story with me. I’m very glad to hear that things have been gradually improving for you, and I truly hope that trend keeps up. I admire your strength.
I’ve been in therapy for several years now, but it has only had any effect on me at all for the past two, so I suppose you’re probably right. Thank you so much for your well wishes — and thank you again for taking the time to talk with me. I’m always a bit skeptical of e-mailing people I don’t really know, so I may need a little more time before I send an e-mail your way… but I truly appreciate your offer. It’s good to know that someone out there understands. All the best.
I am starting my therapy on 9th of January and I am a bit afraid of the costs it brings with… Actually, my parents have already been made to take a loan for it… What have you been treated for, if I may know? Myself, I have unspecific personality disorder (as they tell me that my young age doesn’t allow to describe me – I know that they don’t want to stigmatize me, though I am probably borderline or, less likely, bipolar).
And about e-mailing me, I understand perfectly. It happens that the Internet is full of freaks who’s intentions may not sound the best over all, and as the ex administrator of one of biggest Polish forums I get what causes keeping people at bay. Personally, I’ve received a lot of aid from the SP members, especially from L4Y (if you’re reading it, I just want you to know – you’re cool guy). When it is so good to talk to these emotional, understanding and caring people just on the forum, can you imagine what I felt when I was surrounded by them in psych ward? Ha, I stayed nearly week longer only to feel understood…
Oh, I forgot to tell – in the moment when you will decide to take your life away (what, I hope, won’t happen) it’s better to take one deep breath and tell someone, call someone, you can even e-mail me or call me via Skype, it’s really a wise advice, I know that if I had done it all this wouldn’t have happened to me.
I was going to comment on your other post LittleBead but i forgot, sorry.
i am glad you are still alive. Please keep fighting. As you know there are many people here who are helpful and understand. I hope your life continues to improve
LittleBead,
I’ve been treated for major depression, among other things, and I have a personality disorder as well (I’m not sure what it’s called in English, though) — and in time, I will also receive treatment for OCD. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? Of course, I only want you to reply to this question if you feel comfortable doing so.
Thank you very much for your understanding. It’s good to hear that you’ve received help from others here — and thank you for paying it forward 🙂 And again, thank you so much for offering your support and assistance — you may hear from me soon. Best of luck with your therapy!
I was supposed to have major depression but I suffer only from the major depression episodes that happen very often in both borderline and bipolar disorders (the last one is treated as an illness in Poland, not as a disorder in fact). Really, it’s always better to suffer from depression than distorted personality, as depression is something you can pass through, and personality stays usually for whole life. What personality disorder do you have?
I’m 18, but closer to 19 now. And you? And and and where are you from? I was pretty sure you were English, as your use of English is just proficient!
LittleBead,
I see… I have to admit that I don’t know too much about these things, but I’ve been told that a personality disorder is something more “permanent” (for lack of a better word) than a depression. I’m not one hundred percent sure what my personality disorder is called in English, but I *think* it’s called avoidant personality disorder.
Oh, you are very mature for your age! I’m in my late 20s, and I’m from Norway, hehe. Thank you so much for your kind comment on my English! 🙂
Ha, well, I am pretty much into this stuff as well as mixing medications, when I ended up in emergency department I gave them the instructions how to detoxify me xD I know probably everything about any disorder, illness etc because I find it really fascinating! I’d like to be shrink but, unfortunately, to have a shrink card you need to be 100% mentally healthy =( And there is still a chunk of chance that I am just fucked up and will never lead normal life.
I am sorry to hear that you suffer from this one…it’s perhaps one of the worst, but still better than bipolar disorder. Imagine that you are happy…then sad…then happy…then sad…and when you’re happy you can’t sleep and feel unbelievable strong, and the happiness comes out of nowhere. Thus, the feeling is great but it’s far from the normality. It’s what I’ve been experiencing lately so I’ve stopped taking my med, I suspect it to cause me such reaction.
LittleBead,
Oh my gosh! I’m sorry that you can’t pursue your dream of becoming a psychologist — I think you’d make an excellent one. Perhaps in a few years, though?
Thank you for your compassion. Yes, living with bipolar disorder sounds very hard, so I’m sorry to hear that you suffer from this. I hope you’ll feel better after some time of not taking those meds — good luck!
I have whole life just before me, so perhaps I will finish a psychologist’s diploma, who knows? =) I really want to help all these cool people who suffer, I have discovered that majority of persons with depressions/personality disorders/schizophrenia/other mentally wrong stuff are really kind, emotional and sensitive individuals, somehow wounded by the world.
I just…you know…understand you. It may sound weird, but I feel like I were you.
Btw. there’s nothing worse than wanting to sleep and not being able to sleep! Just like now.
LittleBead,
Exactly! That’s so great. I really hope you will get your diploma eventually — there’s no doubt in my mind that you would help a lot of people if you did.
Thank you 🙂
Ugh, indeed… I’m so exhausted, but I can’t sleep, hehe.
Mmm…I am going to take my teddy bear (I have one as big as I am!) and head to bed. Maybe the sleep will come to me today. Thank you very much for talk, I feel even better now. I am always here to talk, and don’t hesitate to e-mail me whenever you feel like. I am always at your service. =)
Huuuuugs =)
Thank you so much, LittleBead 🙂
I don’t really know what to say, and i am sorry i am not half as useful as others here.
i don’t want you to be dead, but i am here if you want to talk…
Try new meds? surround yourself with good people here or somewhere. Maybe if there is something to look forward to, or a distraction, then you won’t want to die so much. Myself, i want to be dead all the time. Life isn’t for me. I cant say i am really coping, being the weakling i am.
i don’t enjoy doing anything really, though i do try to distract myself, and i am trying to find a way out of this, but i am having no success. I am just waiting to die i guess, unless something better pops up, well there is… But i cant do that either…
i wish people on SP could meet up in real life, hopefully no creeps of course, lol.
Hjerte, where are you from? Have you tried everything already? I thought the same way, life isn’t for me, I should be dead etc but there really ARE better times to wait for. It isn’t perfect for me now, but it is, and still, better to be alive than to be dead, being dead won’t change much, except…feeling nothing.
Australia. I cannot get out of my situation. I would probably end up dead. I am a weakling.
I wrote a comment about you, 4 comments above from this one
I saw your comment. Here’s the password to my posts, I blocked them because of Emanuele stalking me: nyan123
Well, Australia…had you been from UK, I’d have visited you even tomorrow. And Australia, perhaps…In the end of the year, as I am going to work and save money for traveling all around world. You can also email me whenever you want or add to Skype, maybe I am not a best p-rtner for talk but I am always up to anyone who’s in need. I’d give you my kik…but I don’t have kik, and I don’t even know what it is, huh! I’d like to know more about your situation, what is so bad in it…
Thanks for giving me the password, although its prob better to send that in private (email?) i wouldn’t want the stalker to find out.
my situation, i wouldn’t necessarily call it ‘bad’. I just can’t see any point. Sleep, eat, go to work, same stuff everyday for 40+. No i don’t have a job, i know i will eventually need one. I am not leaving the ‘safety’ of a warm bed, food, shelter, just so i can get a job, because i am a complete weakling. My dad wont even let me go anywhere, i mean if i ask … But he will just say no anyway. I applied for a job at McDonalds a year back i think, and he said the job is stupid and its for younger people only. Ok i guess all jobs are stupid…
thanks for the offer, and i don’t have kik either lol
Thank you for your comment, Hjerteblomst 🙂 Please believe me when I say that hearing from you is always useful <3
Thank you, again — I would really like to talk. Everything you mention is good advice, of course — it's just so hard to actually keep myself distracted from these dark thoughts. Which, sadly, you know all about, of course…
Once again, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. It saddens me that there's nothing I can do to help you 🙁 But as always, if there's anything you need that you think I can help with, please let me know.
… I'm sorry, this comment is all over the place… I hope it's not completely unintelligible.
You talking to me helps 🙂 thanks. Your comment is not unintelligible. I understand it. Don’t worry about me, i guess i will just accept my fate… Sorry for short reply emotionally exhausted
Thank you, Hjerteblomst. I just wish I could do more! I hate seeing you like this. Of course I worry about you — I consider you my friend <3 That's perfectly all right 🙂 I hope you feel better now, though. *Hugs*
Thanks for your comment on my own post. And I’m sorry you’re feeling like this as well.
Perhaps my reason for staying alive, and not going through with my suicide attempt tonight, will be so I can talk to you and listen to you. If I can’t help myself, maybe I can help someone else.
So let’s stick this out together! I’m here with you <3
moonlitrose34,
Thank you so much for your kind comment! That sounds like a good plan 🙂 How do you feel now?
You’re welcome ^^
I’m feeling better. I don’t know how things will go. I have a project due tomorrow at 10 am, because I was depressed and sick for the last few weeks of school I had to take an incomplete. Except the problem here is I basically didn’t get anything done over break because the depression hasn’t been getting better. I’m an architecture major so I have to build a model, and that’s what I’m going to be doing for the night (and trying to get as much done as possible). I don’t think I will succeed, but I’m determined to do as much as I can. At least something is better than nothing.
How about you?
So yeah I will probably be up all night working on this. So I’ll be here the whole time.
moonlitrose34,
I’m glad to hear that! But gosh, that project sounds hard… I’m sorry that your depression has prevented you from completing it — I know what that’s like. I would offer my assistance, but I think I’d better not, for the sake of your project, heh… Good luck! And well done for not giving up. I’ll be here rooting for you 😉
… Oh, and I feel better now, thank you — thanks to you and the others who have taken the time to talk with me tonight!
But at least I’m glad you’re feeling better 🙂
Ugh, my determination is so short lived. I can’t do this. I only have 14 hours (I asked my professor and he changed it to 12 rather than 10 because I have a court date in the morning). It’s basically IMPOSSIBLE to even complete this. Why? Because I’ve never completed a model in that short of a time, AND have everything else finished with it. I mean even if I attempted to commit suicide tonight, and I failed, I’d probably just end up in the hospital. Which at this point I’d prefer over anything else. At least I can be somewhat safe in that place no matter how much I hate it. Gah I’m tearing my hear out right now just thinking about it. *sigh* I hate this so much.
moonlitrose34,
I’m sorry… How did it go with your project? :-/
I…didn’t get it done. I fell asleep. Yay me. I’m screwed.